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How to Wriggle Out of Boring Chores

Last Updated: February 18, 2022

This article was co-authored by wikiHow Staff . Our trained team of editors and researchers validate articles for accuracy and comprehensiveness. wikiHow's Content Management Team carefully monitors the work from our editorial staff to ensure that each article is backed by trusted research and meets our high quality standards. This article has been viewed 45,228 times.

Some chores you just hate so much that they ruin your entire day. Unfortunately, these chores can be some of the toughest to get out of. Although parents can be strict and some things just simply need to get done around the house, there’s a lot you can do to wriggle out of boring chores.

Making Yourself Unavailable

Step 1 Get in the shower.

  • Can’t think of any good ways to get your hands messy? Take off your old nail polish and repaint your fingernails. Decide it’s a good time to really give your bike a deep cleaning. Paint something like a birdhouse or your cell phone case with a lot of different colors. These will all make your hands too dirty for chores for a while.

Step 3 Act like you’re sick.

  • Your parents know you better than anyone, so it may be tough to fool them. Make sure not to make classic mistakes like having a coughing fit one second then talking with your friend on the phone for half an hour. Keep your story straight and don’t change the symptoms you supposedly have. Whatever you do, make sure it doesn’t seem like you’re having fun. [1] X Research source

Step 4 Pretend your friend needs you.

  • Don’t worry if neither of you can come up with something that your friend might need your help with. Pretend they got in a fight with one of their good friends or are having relationship problems. These are all common issues that everyone faces, and your parents will leave you alone to deal with it.

Step 5 Make up an important homework assignment.

  • Don’t volunteer information unless your parents ask for it. You probably don’t ramble on about the assignments you actually have to do. Make it seem like just another thing you have to get through to pass the class.
  • Don’t say you’re going to work on an essay and start playing video games. You’re going to at least make it look like you’re working. Open up a text document and a few web pages for research. Type a little bit, or just copy and paste some sections if you’re really feeling lazy. You don’t have to stare at this the whole time, but make sure it looks like you’re working when your parents are nearby.

Doing it Poorly

Step 1 Make it clear you are having a bad time.

  • Aren’t sure what chores are good for this? If you have to wash the dishes, splash water all over the place and don’t bother wiping it up. Leave food scraps in the sink. Knock over the recycling bin when you take it out and “forget” to put all the bottles and cans back inside.

Step 3 Don’t finish the job.

  • This won’t work for every chore. Raking the leaves is a good one to try this with. “Forget” to put them in the bag and eventually the wind will blow them back all over the yard. Your parents will probably just sigh and go fix it themselves. Clearing the table is another chore this might work for.

Making your Chores Fun

Step 1 Listen to music while you do the chore.

  • If you aren’t a huge music fan, try listening to a podcast. There are all kinds of podcasts out there that cater to pretty much any interest you could possibly have, whether you want to learn about history, design, science, or just need to laugh a little. You can search for them on the iTunes store or just find them online through a search engine.

Step 2 Reward yourself when the chore is over.

  • If you don’t already receive one, consider asking your parents for an allowance in exchange for doing chores. Knowing that you’ll receive money once you complete them will make you dread chores much less. Chose a modest amount and agree that you’ll only receive it if you do all your chores.

Step 3 Take short breaks.

  • Not all chores are created equal. Taking the dog to the park is nice, but it’s not really the same as taking out the trash. Cleaning the living room instead of the kitchen is a little more equal. Make sure whatever you do instead of the chore you hate actually helps out the household and isn’t just something fun and vaguely useful.

Expert Q&A

  • Mix it up. If one method works the first time, try something else the next. Your parents will catch on if you do the same thing every time. Thanks Helpful 3 Not Helpful 0
  • Be careful not to do too poorly at a job because your parents might make you go back and do it again. Thanks Helpful 2 Not Helpful 0
  • Compromise with your parents, and tell them you'll do other chores but you don't want to do that"one chore". Thanks Helpful 2 Not Helpful 0
  • If you try this too often it will backfire and your parents will make you do even more chores. Save these techniques for when you really need them. Thanks Helpful 42 Not Helpful 8
  • Don't make up false excuses. Always be honest. Thanks Helpful 12 Not Helpful 3

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  • ↑ http://www.webmd.com/cold-and-flu/features/is-your-kid-sick-just-faking-it?page=2
  • ↑ http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/7-benefits-smiling-and-laughing.html
  • ↑ http://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/12/jobs/how-music-can-improve-worker-productivity-workstation.html

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Stuck doing all the household chores? This practical guide can help

Andee Tagle

Andee Tagle

Michelle Aslam

Illustration of a woman holding a baby and cooking in a skillet on the stove. Anger lines form above her head. Behind her is a messy kitchen with dishes in the sink, a school-aged child sitting at the kitchen island doing homework, and groceries that need to be put away. Her husband stands in the room and asks "How can I help?"

A text message about blueberries a few years ago nearly ended Eve Rodsky's marriage. It came from her husband. He was upset she hadn't picked up any blueberries from the grocery store. And she burst into angry tears.

This was supposed to be her afternoon off, recalled Rodsky in her 2019 book, Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) . Instead, she was in her car, running errands. The idea that she now had to pick up blueberries, she said, sent her over the edge.

What Rodsky was experiencing was an unfair division of household labor, which she says made her feel a sense of "seething resentment" toward her husband.

And she's not alone. In many households, one person shoulders the brunt of the chores and childcare – and that's often the woman. In fact, a 2020 Gallup Poll of more than 3,000 American heterosexual couples found that women handle the majority of the domestic workload , including doing the laundry, cleaning and cooking. And for many women, the workload has only worsened in the pandemic.

But it doesn't have to be this way. Rodsky, an attorney and author, says it's possible to divide domestic tasks fairly, which can help reduce stress at home and give back precious time to each member of the household. And it starts with candid conversations about our domestic contributions and a reevaluation of what matters in your home.

She and Jacqueline Misla , a lifestyle coach and co-host of Curious Fox , a love and relationship podcast, share a practical guide on how to divvy up, prioritize and assign chores.

1. List every chore and errand

The first thing you want to do, says Rodsky, is list out each and every task required to manage the home. It will help each member of the household understand the full extent of responsibilities – and hopefully encourage them to take measures to balance the workload.

Illustration panel reads: "Make a list of every household task: Include essential chores, errands and miscellaneous duties." and shows a person walking a dog, someone running an errand in a car and a hand writing a thank you note.

Set aside an hour or two to draw up the list. Do it in a place that's easy for everyone to see and access: a shared notes app, a spreadsheet or a whiteboard, for example. Include essential tasks like washing dishes or taking the kids to school and errands like grocery shopping or picking up the dry cleaning. Don't forget to add tasks that might be less visible, such as coordinating carpools or writing thank you cards. (Rodsky actually developed a resource called Fair Play , a set of 100 cards printed with various household tasks, to help people with this exercise.)

2. Narrow down the list

Once you have those tasks in front of you, discuss each item with your partner or your housemate.

Illustration panel reads: "Cut the non-essential chores." A couple looks at their unmade bed and one of the women says, "Honestly I don't care about making the bed." Her partner agrees, "Me neither! Let's not do it!"

  • Go through the list and note who's been typically responsible for each task. You might be surprised. Your partner, for example, may be doing more chores than you expected. Or they might find you've been doing the lion's share of the labor. Seeing the breakdown of the domestic workload can provide you with a starting point for what's working and what might need to change.
  • Create a shortlist of essential duties. Prioritize the must-do chores – that includes everyday tasks like taking out the trash and washing the dishes — and activities that are important to your household, says Rodsky, such as date nights or a redecorating project you've been meaning to finish.
  • Cut unnecessary tasks. Lighten the workload by removing any chores from the list that don't make sense to your household. Maybe you and your partner have been taking the time to make the bed every day, when neither one of you really cares about that unless you have company. Or perhaps you and your roommates constantly bicker about whose turn it is to deep clean the bathroom. In that case, you might consider pooling your resources together to hire a cleaner every few months.
  • Set clear expectations of how and when a task should be done. Go through your pared-down list and come to a consensus with your partner or roommate about what each task means in your household. Take mopping the floor for example – should that be done on a weekly or a monthly basis? Would it be OK to use something like a Swiffer, or is a traditional mop and bucket strongly preferred by a member of the household? This exercise can help get everyone on the same page, says Misla, and avert conflict around how chores are executed down the line.

From here, stay flexible. Your list of essential chores are bound to change depending on the needs of your household – and that's OK, says Misla. "Give yourself some space to let the rules evolve. Check in with each other and say: Is this still working for us? If not, what do we need to change?"

3. Assign the tasks

When it comes to splitting up the housework, says Misla, "nothing is ever equal. How many dishes done equals laundry folded? How many trips with the kid to the dentist equals checkups to the car?"

While you may not be able to divide the chores 50-50, you can try to aim for a workload that feels fair to each member of the household. Here are some helpful tips on how to assign chores:

Illustration panel reads: "Own the tasks you enjoy doing." A couple stands at a kitchen island, the woman is stirring a bowl and says "So ... I really like cooking." Her partner says "And I really like eating your food." She replies, "I'm gonna keep doing it, OK?"

  • Own the tasks you love. If you have chores and workflows in place that are already working for you and your partner or roommate, don't worry about reassigning them, says Rodsky. Continue doing the tasks that bring you joy, whether it's cooking dinner or folding the laundry while watching Netflix. 

Illustration panel reads: "Share the load on burdensome tasks. (It's not fair for one person to like, be in charge of picking up the dog poop from the yard.)" A man uses a broom and dust pan to pick up dog poop as he says "Please, someone save me from this misery!!!"

  • Share the load on burdensome tasks. No one should have to be responsible for one task forever, especially if it's unpleasant. Find a way to divvy up the most time-consuming or least-favorite tasks like nighttime baby care or picking up dog poop in the backyard. That could mean taking turns on the task or agreeing to do that chore together.
  • Consider your housemate or partner's circumstances for the week. Are this week's conference calls completely at odds with your carpool schedule? Does your roommate need a bit of a break because they have friends in town? Does one of you need some extra time this week to crank out thank you notes for those housewarming gifts? Set regular check-in times to walk through your weekly schedule and reassign chores and duties where necessary, says Rodsky. 

4. Be fully responsible for your duties

Lastly – if you're in charge of a household chore, take full ownership of it, says Rodsky. Don't expect your partner or roommate to pick up the slack if you can't complete the task. It's your responsibility to account for what you need. Your partner and household are depending on you.

Illustration panel reads: "Be responsible for your own tasks. Don't pull your partner into it!" Two men stand at the kitchen counter. One unloads groceries as he says "Dang! I forgot the tomatoes at the store. Can you go get some?" His partner replies: "No dude. I'm supposed to be taking Katrina to the vet right now!"

If it's your turn to cook dinner, for example, account for the time you will need to buy the ingredients, prep and cook. Avoid stealing your partner's time with one-off or last-minute duties they haven't accounted for, like running to the store for a forgotten ingredient or chopping vegetables.

And if it's your partner's turn to cook dinner – let them do it! Resist the urge to micromanage the way they season meat or the time they take to make it. Use your extra time and energy to focus on something else — whether it's another task or just relaxing.

When everyone does their part to keep the household running smoothly, you can free up more time to be "consistently interested in your own life," says Rodsky — which is exactly the goal of a balanced domestic workload.

Print out this zine on how to divvy up domestic chores

You can print out a mini-book — or zine — to help you Fold it using these directions (courtesy of The Oregonian ). Use it as a tool as you discuss the division of household responsibilities with your household.

Image of the cover of a zine that reads "How to split domestic chores more fairly." Zine by Malaka Gharib, Reporting by Andee Tagle. The image shows a to do list that is very uneven with a man next to the short list and a woman next to the long list. The woman is fuming.

The audio portion of this episode was produced by Michelle Aslam. The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. We'd love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 , or email us at [email protected] .

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How to Do All Your Chores Within 30 Minutes

Last Updated: October 12, 2023 Approved

This article was co-authored by Guy Peters . Guy Peters is the Owner of MOP STARS Cleaning Service, a complete house cleaning service for residential and commercial clients, based in Denver, Colorado. Founded in 2014, MOP STARS provides regular, move in/out, deep, and commercial cleaning services. Guy has a BA in Finance from the California State University - Sacramento and an MBA from Cornell University. There are 11 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. In this case, several readers have written to tell us that this article was helpful to them, earning it our reader-approved status. This article has been viewed 123,333 times.

Chores may not be fun, but they are a necessary evil. Chores keep your house from looking like a sty, and doing them regularly will ultimately cut down on the time you spend deep cleaning your home. Thirty minutes a day is the perfect amount of time to cross a few chores off your list, without feeling like you’re spending your whole day cleaning.

Cleaning Everything in 30 Minutes

Step 1 Clean your bathroom.

  • Scrubbing Bubbles is a great all-purpose product for bathroom cleaning.
  • Allocate ten minutes to clean your bathroom.
  • If you have time, wipe down the bathroom mirrors as well.

Step 2 Clean your bedroom.

  • Allocate five minutes to clean your bedroom.
  • Save time off your bed making by leaving the flat sheet untucked - hospital corners take a long time to construct and your comforter will cover them anyway, [4] X Research source
  • Open windows as you go to eliminate odors and get a nice cross-breeze going.

Step 3 Straighten out your living room.

  • Tuck a trash bag into your pants so you don’t have to keep running between the room you’re cleaning and the garbage.
  • Allocate five minutes to clean the living room.

Step 4 Do your dishes.

  • Allocate ten minutes to clean your kitchen.
  • Empty the trash you’ve been carrying around from the living room into your kitchen trash can.
  • If your pots and pans are scorched through, fill the pans with water and a cup of vinegar, then allow them to simmer on the stove. Remove the pan from the stove, add two tablespoons of baking soda, then scrub the pans till they’re clean. [6] X Research source
  • If your backsplash is covered in oil from cooking, use a damp paper towel with some soap to cut through the grease.

Managing and Motivating Yourself During Chores

Step 1 Set time limits.

  • Make sure you’ve completed each task to the best of your ability before moving onto the next one.
  • If you have fewer chores, choose longer songs or set a timer for the amount of time it takes to do each chore.
  • Use fun as motivation. If your favorite TV show comes on at a certain time, start your chores thirty minutes before that time. That way, you’ll be motivated to finish your chores within those thirty minutes in order to catch your show.

Step 2 Swap chores with a sibling.

  • If you’re going to trade chores, make sure you both hold up your end of the bargain. The work still needs to get done.
  • If you’re spending time cleaning their room, be respectful of their property. If you betray their trust, they may not want to trade chores again.

Step 3 Turn chores into a game.

  • You can’t win the game if your work is done sloppily, so make sure to be thorough.
  • Ask your parents to help you find a phone app that tracks and rewards chore performance. Check out Chore Wars, which gives you experience points for completing household tasks. [10] X Research source

Creating a 30 Minute a Day Cleaning Schedule

Step 1 Do your toughest chores on Monday.

  • As you start to vacuum each week, the length of time it will take to complete this chore will decrease. Soon, you’ll be deep cleaning less and maintaining your clean more.

Step 2 Clean your bathrooms on Tuesday.

  • To save even more time, leave cleaning product and a rag in your shower and clean your shower as you use it.
  • For bonus points, spray your shower down after every use. This will make your weekly bathroom cleaning sessions go by much faster.
  • Cut a grapefruit in half, sprinkle salt on it, and use it to help get soap scum out of your bathtub. [14] X Research source

Step 3 Use Wednesday to clean all surfaces.

  • If you’re mopping, mix a floor cleaning product (like Pine Sol) in with your mop water for the ultimate shine on your floors.
  • Use an already used dryer sheet to dust. The anti-static will help repel dust. [18] X Research source

Step 4 Tidy up on Thursdays.

  • Don’t be afraid to get rid of stuff you don’t use. Donate it to charity or throw it out, but if you’re not using it, it’s got to go.
  • Strategically place bins or baskets in each room to corral random items. This will make each room look cleaner and more polished, and will also help you cut down on the time you spend cleaning up.

Cleaning Tips and Tricks

Step 1 Clean as you go.

  • Never leave a room empty-handed. If you see something that doesn’t belong, take it with you.
  • If your house has two floors, make a rule that you never go upstairs empty-handed; always bring something with you that needs to be put away upstairs.
  • Institute the one-minute rule: if something takes less a minute to do, do it right now.

Step 2 Clean your microwave in five minutes.

  • Allow the water to boil while you wipe down your counters and appliances for a five-minute kitchen clean.
  • Keep an eye on the water in the bowl to make sure it doesn’t boil over. Otherwise, it will take you twice as long to clean up.

Step 3 Set a timer.

  • Reward yourself with a treat or fun activity for completing your work.
  • Invite friends over to help (but keep in mind, you may end up having to help with their chores as well.)

Expert Q&A

Guy Peters

  • It takes two weeks to establish a routine. Do your chores every day for two-weeks and you’ll be surprised how much you start to enjoy doing them (or at least the feeling you get when they’re done.) Thanks Helpful 1 Not Helpful 0
  • Play music while you clean! It makes it seem shorter and fun! Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0

how do i get out of doing chores

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how do i get out of doing chores

  • ↑ http://www.gq.com/story/apartment-fast-clean
  • ↑ Guy Peters. House Cleaning Professional. Expert Interview. 27 September 2021.
  • ↑ http://cleanmyspace.com/how-to-make-a-bed-in-two-minutes/
  • ↑ http://distractify.com/geek/2015/05/04/creative-cleaning-hacks-1197924424
  • ↑ http://www.parents.com/kids/development/social/motivate-kids-to-do-chores/?slideId=40371
  • ↑ https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/ill-do-it-later6-ways-to-get-kids-to-do-chores-now/
  • ↑ http://www.artofmanliness.com/2012/09/19/the-art-of-dadliness-how-to-get-your-kids-to-do-their-chores-and-why-its-so-important-they-do-them/
  • ↑ https://funcheaporfree.com/deep-clean-your-house-with-one-task-per-day-printable-cleaning-schedule-included/
  • ↑ https://www.sparkpeople.com/blog/blog.asp?post=clean_up_in_minutes
  • ↑ https://www.thekitchn.com/kitchen-cleaning-hacks-264886

About This Article

Guy Peters

If you want to finish your chores within 30 minutes, you can quickly make your room seem cleaner by simply making your bed! Next, pick up any stray clothes and shoes and put them back where they belong, making sure to put dirty items into a hamper and clean items back into the closet. If you have dirty dishes lying around, don’t forget to return them to the kitchen. Additionally, you can try opening a window to get rid of any odors and to freshen up the room. For tips on how to stay motivated while cleaning, read on! Did this summary help you? Yes No

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Splitting chores can be unfair. Here’s how to do it equitably.

Chores are everyone’s responsibility. Here’s how to get roommates, kids, or partners involved.

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A cartoon drawing of two people in a household performing cleaning chores. One is vacuuming while the other is dusting.

Living with someone (or someones) can require a fair amount of sharing: space, noise levels, appliances, bathroom time, you name it. Perhaps most crucially, though, is the sharing of chores. It can also be one of the most contentious parts of cohabitation.

Most of the time, the division of household labor isn’t equal, leading to loads of pent-up resentment. Research among heterosexual couples showed women tend to shoulder the brunt of housework. Even when wives make more money than their husbands, they still spend more hours a week on housework, per a recent study . Another study found that a common belief among roommates is that the housemate who’s most bothered by stacks of dirty dishes and piles of stinky laundry should be the one to handle the messes.

“When we’re conditioned to have assumptions take the place of structured decision-making, everything goes wrong,” says Eve Rodsky , author of Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) , also adapted into a soon-to-be-released documentary .

While an even chores split (you take trash duty, I’ll take dishes) can seem like the easiest way to household bliss, sometimes such a breakdown isn’t the most equitable or realistic. Schedules change, people get sick, and the least-glamorous tasks can slip minds entirely.

Instead of stewing in silence while passive-aggressively scrubbing the toilet for the millionth consecutive week or blowing up at your partner for never sweeping, take a measured approach to splitting household duties, whether you live with kids and family members or roommates and romantic partners.

Time for a deep conversation

Everyone differs in what they consider “clean.” A study found that those with lower tolerance for messes will often complete housework quicker out of sheer discomfort. The more that same person tackles those chores — say, washes the dishes — the more likely they will forever be considered the designated dishwasher.

If you feel your fate being sealed as the forever tidier, you have to discuss boundaries and expectations with your housemates. First, begin the conversation as neutrally as possible by saying something along the lines of, “I really want to be a great housemate to you and one of the things I think would be helpful for our relationship is if we could come to an agreement on the expectations around the cleanliness and organization of the apartment. Are you open to a conversation like that?” suggests Tiffany Dufu , founder and CEO of The Cru , a platform connecting peer mentors, and author of Drop the Ball: Achieving More by Doing Less . “The conversation is not about the recycling,” she says. “The conversation is about the value of the relationship that you have with someone and aligning on expectations around household duties, responsibilities.”

As honestly as possible, share what’s important to you in terms of house upkeep, says professional organizer Elise Hay, founder of Organized Sanctuaries . Is having a clear sink absent any dirty dishes at the end of the day one of your priorities? A made bed every morning? No hair in the shower drain? Make your preferences known.

Then, after each party has outlined their priorities, leave space to talk through any challenges in meeting those goals, Hay says. Maybe your partner has hectic mornings getting the kids ready for school and doesn’t have time to make the bed and you’d be better suited for that chore. (More on delegating tasks later.) Or your roommate doesn’t know you prefer an empty kitchen countertop when you’re doing your meal prep. Expressing these goals and preferences can help those we live with understand why certain chores are so important to us.

Because division of labor is never just about to-do list items, Rodsky advises discussing your respective histories with chores. Ask your housemates what they remember about cleaning growing up. Maybe they weren’t responsible for much around the house, but your parents assigned you weekly jobs. Both of these experiences impact how you approach household tasks as an adult. “That’s what I recommend,” Rodsky says, “frequent high-cognition, low-emotion conversations where you tell each other stories. ... These chores that we’re fighting about are actually our stories. They’re our humanity. I think when you can elevate it to that level, you can understand where someone’s coming from from such a better place.” These soul-searching conversations can help uncover why you hate washing windows or your partner prefers to be the one who folds the laundry.

Chores and mess can dredge up so many emotions, so you’ll need to actively avoid letting them influence how you discuss division of labor. Seeing jackets and shoes strewn about the common area can feel like a personal affront when the closet is right there . Regardless of what boundaries and expectations you’ve already set about chores, remember that a personal attack isn’t likely to get you far. “When it comes down to it, belongings deserve respect, and our homes deserve respect,” Hay says. “It’s definitely not a reason to attack someone. Explain, ‘It makes me feel so much better when our house is clean and [we’re] treating our space with respect. … Is that something that you can help me on?’”

When all housemates agree to specific conditions — like the kitchen is considered clean when the sink is empty, countertops are clear, and the microwave’s been scrubbed — it becomes much easier to gauge a deviation from baseline. Still, it’s important to remain flexible and have compassion for those we live with, Hay says. “Being able to be flexible enables us all to have a little bit more understanding of each other,” she says. “There could be reasons why one person’s chore is going to slip, and there’s [got] to be compassion from the roommate.”

Start small

Before totally overhauling the house-cleaning schedule and issuing job assignments, look at the household’s already established habits to see where small changes can be implemented, Hay says. Common areas like the kitchen and living room tend to see the most clutter and foot traffic but can be easily managed through minor tweaks. If your roommate is frustrated that you leave your dishes in the sink in the morning, you both need to come to a happy medium of when the dishes can reasonably be expected to be washed. This may mean you clean them during your lunch break (if you work from home) in order to have the sink cleared by the time your housemate gets home from work so they can prepare their dinner.

Instead of framing the conversation as “This is what needs to be done,” Hay suggests phrasing the discussion as “If this could be done in this timeframe, it would make my life so much less stressful.” “It might be that the other person doesn’t realize that the other partner needs to have a clear sink to drain hot pasta or needs a clear sink to be able to do their dinner prep,” Hay says.

Assign tasks based on ownership, not assumptions

When it comes to divvying up chores, do not make assumptions that a housemate or a partner will do certain tasks based on their income, job, or gender; women often end up responsible for most of the household chores simply based on biases. “My job is more flexible. My partner makes more money than me,” Rodsky says. “That’s a terrible assumption because even if women make more money than their partners, they still do more housework.”

The way to encourage everyone in the house to contribute to chores involves getting all parties to “own” their tasks, Rodsky says. Rodsky uses the example of buying mustard. Ownership of mustard purchase begins in the conceptualizing phase — understanding what’s necessary to complete a task — which is as simple as knowing your kid really loves yellow mustard. The next step of owning a task is the planning: realizing your supply of mustard is getting low and putting the condiment on your shopping list. Finally, executing the chore means picking up the mustard when you go to the grocery store — rinse, repeat. “When you can have someone else in your system — whether it’s a roommate, a sister, a child — hold the full planning, conception, and execution of a task, 50/50 goes out the window,” Rodsky says, “and that was the biggest, most beautiful breakthrough.” Rodsky developed a system for assigning tasks, also called Fair Play , in which everyone discusses their feelings around each chore before figuring out who’s going to take ownership over the task.

Dufu finds it helpful to create a spreadsheet of all of the household chores and to assign each person a task based on their talents and schedules. Dufu calls her spreadsheet MEL — Management Excel List — and each chore, from taking out the trash to washing the car, is listed. Every family member gets their own column where they claim their tasks. Sometimes, certain chores aren’t claimed, like washing the car, and that’s fine. “Our kids now have columns,” Dufu says, “and we would put an X in someone’s column next to the thing that they would do, not because they’ve always done it before but because that was the task that fit better with their schedule, or that was the task that did better with their personality.” For example, Dufu says she’s more introverted than her husband, so it made more sense for him to manage the kids’ social calendars since he gets much more enjoyment out of chatting with other parents.

Of course, a massive spreadsheet may introduce more stress into an already stressful situation. Rodsky’s Fair Play method involves each task being written down on a card and each member holding a deck of cards outlining their individual chores; instead of a list, each person has their cards to refer to. Roommate chore apps help divide household labor with the help of notifications, schedules, and progress trackers. A colorful chore chart on a dry-erase board with visible rewards like smiley face magnets can help keep kids engaged.

Even if you believe you may do certain chores “better” than your housemates, you need to value the time and effort the people you live with put into cleaning and tidying, and how that effort helps you. “That person committed to our family or committed to our relationship in a way that makes our home feel more valued,” Hay says.

Don’t forget the kids — or the beauty of renegotiation

For households with kids or older family members, there are age-appropriate tasks to get everyone involved in chores. Kids are usually able to contribute to chores much earlier than most parents think, Hay says, and assigning them easy chores — like cleaning up the crayons or helping rinse vegetables for salads — helps instill a sense of responsibility. The same can be said for older relatives, Hay continues. By centering the conversation on responsibility and respect for the home, house members of all ages can understand the importance of a chores system.

However, not every kid is going to be jazzed about helping out around the house. Parents can support kids who may not feel confident (or excited) about the chores they’re assigned by letting them know they can get themselves ready for school, for example, and you need them to take on that task to help you out.

The assignment of tasks shouldn’t be permanent, either. Dufu suggests revisiting chores every six months or so, especially if you have children who may be able to take on more responsibilities. Ultimately, the division of labor in the home should feel like an ever-evolving process meant to keep everyone as satisfied as possible.

“At the end of the day, my goal when I work with clients and share advice online is to make people’s homes easier to live in,” Hay says. “So what can we all do, individually and collectively, to make this a more enjoyable place to live?”

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how do i get out of doing chores

What bullets do to kids

Dona Matthews Ph.D.

Self-Control

Chores can help with coping and resilience, for parents and kids, quarantine is a chance to strengthen self-regulation..

Posted May 13, 2020

  • What Is Self-Control?
  • Find a therapist to help with self-control

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For most parents, this is a time of chaos, challenge, and unpredictability. Every family is feeling this in their own way, with fears invading every area of their lives—health, financial security, psychological well-being, and relationships.

For most parents I know, just managing daily life has become a struggle. For kids, there are unspoken worries that are resulting in tantrums, demands, and other regression behaviors that sometimes surprise their parents.

Liliana Lengua is a professor of psychology at the University of Washington known for her research on adversity, resilience , and self-regulation . She and her colleagues recently published a study that examined the effects of adversity on young children’s development . They demonstrated the ways that early adversity disrupts children’s attention , stress hormones , and adjustment. It is not surprising that children experiencing adversity—as so many children are now—can have a harder time with self-regulation and social-emotional well-being.

Self-regulation is the ability to manage one’s responses to circumstances and situations. Good self-regulators remain calm when challenged. They retain their capacity to respond intelligently, wisely, and well, to whatever situation presents itself. COVID-19 is giving us all a chance to monitor and strengthen our self-regulation habits, as we support the young people in our lives in acquiring those skills.

Michael Ungar is a professor of social work at Dalhousie University in Halifax known for his international research studies on resilience, and he has written several good-humored and good-natured articles about surviving COVID-19 with kids. He recommends that parents look for ways to use household chores to help kids learn academic skills at the same time as they acquire the self-regulation skills they need to survive these stressful times. He argues quite persuasively that having responsibility for chores can support kids’ cognitive, emotional, physical, and social development at the same time as they help their parents cope with COVID-19. A solid win-win.

Here are some ideas for supporting your child’s ability to regulate their emotional and behavioral responses to the inevitable stressors of this time of uncertainty and fear :

  • It starts with you. Take a deep breath. Take another. Get enough sleep and exercise. Eat nutritious meals. Do your best to regulate your own emotions and behaviors.
  • Be patient . More than ever, your child needs you to be kind, supportive, nurturing, and understanding.
  • Give your child special chores. At times of vulnerability, children can feel particularly powerless. Look for ways your child can make a real contribution to the household. You can tell them you need help with laundry or cooking right now because you’re extra worried. By helping out in a real way, your child will feel less powerless.
  • Give your child active chores. Physical activity can help with stress reduction and self-regulation. Think about ways your child can help with physically active chores, including helping with the garbage, making beds, vacuuming, sweeping the kitchen, scrubbing floors, gardening tasks, washing the car.
  • Chores can provide the comfort of the ordinary. All children benefit from routines they can trust, but reliable routines are particularly important at a time like this. Regular family routines—meals, chores, schedules—provide a sense of control and trust in a world that often feels chaotic and unpredictable.
  • Turn daily chores into opportunities for play. Play and playfulness have more to do with attitude than with specific kinds of activity. With a dash of good humor , making a meal, cleaning up the house, or taking out the garbage can be fun. If you’re just too tired or flat-feeling to make that happen, ask your child for help.

In addition to helping children cope with stress and acquire self-regulation skills, chores can help kids develop competence, a sense of responsibility, self-esteem , confidence , happiness , empathy, psychological adjustment, family connection, kindness, gratitude , and mindfulness . Now more than ever, it’s time to strengthen your self-regulation skills and support your child in developing theirs.

More on Chores and Self-Regulation

  • More Chores, Less Play: Teaching Children Self-Regulation , by Michael Ungar
  • Adversity Can Affect Child Self-Regulation and Resilience , by Liliana Lengua
  • Children, Chores, and Happy Productivity, by Dona Matthews

Dona Matthews Ph.D.

Dona Matthews, Ph.D. , is a developmental psychologist and the author of four books about children, adolescents and education.

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Home / Expert Articles / Parenting Strategies & Techniques / Accountability & Responsibility

“I’ll Do It Later!” 6 Ways to Get Kids to Do Chores Now

By james lehman, msw.

boy doing his chores - washing the dishes

The idea that kids should learn to do chores for some abstract reason—like duty or responsibility—sounds good on paper, but has very little practical application in a child’s life. It just doesn’t work as a strategy.

But there are practical steps you can take to get your kids to do their chores.

Getting kids to do chores is one of the most common arguments families have. We yell at our child, “Why haven’t you cleaned your room yet?” while our child is on the couch watching YouTube, shouting back, “I’ll do it later!” Or they say nothing and just ignore us.

The choice shouldn’t be excitement or chore. The choice should be boredom or chore.

But the reason kids don’t like doing chores is the same reason adults don’t like doing chores: household tasks are generally boring. And most kids are not mature enough to understand that if they work quickly and finish their chores, they will be rewarded by getting back to their fun.

Instead, they pout, procrastinate, and drag their feet all to avoid 20 or 30 minutes of what is relatively easy work.

If you feel like you’re constantly nagging your kids to do their household chores, here are six practical steps you can take.

1. End the Distractions for Your Child

If your child is not doing his chores, you simply end whatever is distracting him. More than likely, this means the electronics get turned off. And they don’t come back on until the chores are done.

Then talk to him about it. But keep it brief. Ask him what he thinks is going on and what’s getting in the way of doing his assigned tasks.

Find out what his plans are after he’s finished. Motivate him to get the work done so that he can move on to what he wants to do.

Appealing to a child’s self-interests—rather than explaining the abstract concept of responsibility or duty—is generally much more effective for kids.

2. Set a Time Limit for Chores

Time limits are a good way to get your child to comply with doing chores. You can say:

“All right, the dishes have to be done in 20 minutes.”

If she hasn’t done them in 20 minutes, then your child’s bedtime is set earlier. Or she loses some electronics time. This creates a cost associated with her foot-dragging.

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The beauty of this system is that you’re not constantly nagging anymore. Instead, you’re just keeping time. You can even use a cooking timer with an alarm. The next night, you can say:

“Let’s not repeat what happened last night—remember, you didn’t enjoy going to bed earlier.” ‌ Another timing strategy parents can use is to motivate your child to compete with herself. You can say:

“Let’s see if you can get it done in 15 minutes tonight. But remember, you have to do it right. I’m going to check.”

You can even give her an incentive:

“If you get it done within 15 minutes, you can stay up 15 minutes later. Or you can stay online 15 minutes more.”

Then it becomes more exciting and stimulating for the child. While your child won’t lose anything if she doesn’t get the task done, she will gain something if she does.

This kind of reward system is always preferable to one in which the kid loses something because it’s more motivational and less punitive—you’re giving your child an incentive to do better.‌

3. Use an Allowance as Leverage

I think if parents are financially able to give kids an allowance, they should do it. And parents should make the allowance tied to their kids’ chores.

For example, if your child has to be told more than once to do his chores, he would lose a part of his allowance. Perhaps a dollar. And each time you remind him, he loses another dollar.

It is also appropriate to give that part of his allowance to a sibling who does the chore instead. This way, you’re not working on the chore, you’re working on the communications process, as well as your child’s motivation.

4. Create a Structure for Chores

Structure is essential when it comes to completing household tasks. I believe there should be a set time when chores are to be done.

Evenings are usually the best time for chores during the school year because doing chores in the morning just adds to the stress and intensity of getting to school on time. In the summer, though, I recommend doing chores in the morning to get them out of the way before the day starts.

In general, before the video games or any electronics go on, make it a rule that your child’s bed has to be made, his clothes should be in the hamper, and his room is tidy. This way, he’s starting to learn that his responsibilities have to be met before he can have free time.

Again, you never want to be pulling your child back from something exciting in order to do something mundane and boring. Rather, you want to get them to work through the mundane and boring things to get to something exciting. ‌ Sometimes as a parent, you have to ask yourself, “if my child isn’t doing his chores, what is he doing?” You really have to be aware of how your child is using his time. If he’s not doing his chores because he’s playing on the computer or reading a comic book, you’ve got to stop that pattern.

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In the end, the choice shouldn’t be excitement or chore . The choice should be boredom or chore . Kids have to understand that until chores are finished, they don’t get to have fun. No electronics until chores are done and no going out with friends until chores are done. The alternative to doing their chores needs to be boredom.

With this kind of structure in place, most kids will eventually choose to do their chores and then get on with the things that they want to do.

Finally, set aside time when all the kids in your family are doing their chores at once. So your 15-year-old might be unloading the dishwasher while your 11-year-old is taking out the garbage. That way, no one feels as if they’re missing out or being punished by having to complete their tasks. It’s just chore time.‌

5. Don’t Use Chores as a Punishment

Don’t use chores as a punishment or as a consequence. If somebody misbehaves and does something wrong, don’t give them a consequence of doing the dishes, for example. You want your child to learn that a chore is an expected responsibility to be done no matter what.

Only use chores as a consequence when your child does something wrong to another sibling. In order to make amends—to right the wrong—they do that person’s chore for them. That’s a physical way of saying, “I was wrong to do that, and I’m doing your chore to show you that I’m sincere.”

Related content: How to Give Kids Consequences That Work

6. Use a Reward System

If you want kids to take responsibility for their chores, integrate their tasks with a reward system. Put a chart on the refrigerator with each child’s name on it, with their chores listed next to their names. If they make their bed promptly and do it right, they get a checkmark. When they get five checkmarks, they get a reward. Maybe it’s staying up an hour later. Maybe it’s having more screen time one night.

In my opinion, electronics don’t have to be on every waking hour. Just because they have a phone or tablet doesn’t mean the child has to be using it all the time. Each child should get their allotted screen time, and then screen time is over. If they want more, they should have to earn it. This allows you to use electronics time as a reward.

Related content: Free Downloadable Chore Chart for Children

Kids might understand that doing the dishes is part of their role in the family, but they’re not going to feel it in some significant way. Chores are work, and in that sense, very few of us like to work unless we’re getting rewarded for it. And the reward has to be something we like.

If my boss had paid me in carrots, I wouldn’t have worked much at all—because one or two carrots and I’m all set. Kids have the same motivating principle. They want a reward in a currency that’s meaningful.

Getting your child to do chores becomes a battle when you allow it to grow into one. If you’re standing over your kids telling them over and over again to “empty the dishwasher, mow the lawn, clean the kitchen,” and they’re digging their heels in and still not complying, then you are in a battle. And as the parent, you need to end the battle.

If you don’t end the battle, you get caught in a nagging cycle. And the problem with nagging, of course, is that it doesn’t work. So, replace your nagging with the tips above and put an end to the chore battle once and for all.

Related content: Power Struggles: Are You at War with a Defiant Child? How to Create a Culture of Accountability in Your Home “My Kid Won’t Get Out of Bed” Stop the Morning Madness Now

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About James Lehman, MSW

James Lehman, who dedicated his life to behaviorally troubled youth, created The Total Transformation® , The Complete Guide to Consequences™ , Getting Through To Your Child™ , and Two Parents One Plan™ , from a place of professional and personal experience. Having had severe behavioral problems himself as a child, he was inspired to focus on behavioral management professionally. Together with his wife, Janet Lehman, he developed an approach to managing children and teens that challenges them to solve their own problems without hiding behind disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive behavior. Empowering Parents now brings this insightful and impactful program directly to homes around the globe.

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Indunil Your article was very helpful to me. Keep blogging.

how do i get out of doing chores

I can understand your frustration. It can be difficult when your adult children are capable of helping out and choose not to. We have several articles that focus specifically on adult children living at home. You can find those here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/ages-and-stages/adult-children/

We appreciate you sharing your story. Take care.

Hi, Carmine. Thank you for reaching out. We have several articles that offer useful tools and techniques for parenting a child with ODD. You can find those here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/conditions-diagnoses/oppositional-defiant-disorder/.

We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going.

Hi, Grace. There really isn't a right or wrong answer to that question. Each family is different and expectations around chores may not be the same from one family to the next. We do advise having kids do chores as this can help your child learn necessary skills of daily living and also helps to develop responsibility. Whether this is done every day, a few times a week, or only on the weekend depends on what will work best for your family.

I hope this helps to answer your question. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going. Take care.

I deisagree with you on kids and chores a 100%!

No kids should NOT have regular chores. Kids are kids NOT mini adults and need childhoods! Play is the MOST IMPORTANT thing in childhood. Kids have school, homework, etc already. EVERYTHING they can learn with chores they can learn in other ways. Yes, we should teach kids skills, etc and its OK if they help once in a while but making them have chores on a regular basis is WRONG! I did not have chores as a kid and have NO problems as an adult, I thank my parents for giving me a CHILDHOOD. I do the same with my kids!

i disagree with you T.P. Kids can do chores AND play! even in my classroom, my students have classroom jobs (chores). we work together to keep OUR classroom neat and tidy. read below about the benefits of regular chores.

https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/the_benefits_of_chores_for_your_child

https://redtri.com/life-skills-learned-from-doing-chores/slide/1

KD am-----can you give me some insight on how you u use this in the classroom? Our school system is really struggling with helping me effectively with my son behavior at school

Familyof8 I have 5 tweens and teens living at home still and they were so good at getting their chores done, now it’s a struggle every day. Help!

ParentsOf6 Thank you for taking the time to share these tips...I found your article to be very helpful and eye-opening and will definitely be putting to use these suggestions. Thanks!

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

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I spend $725 a month on chores I could do myself, and it's one of the best money decisions I've ever made

Our experts choose the best products and services to help make smart decisions with your money ( here's how ). In some cases, we receive a commission from our partners ; however, our opinions are our own. Terms apply to offers listed on this page.

  • I used to be so frugal I DIYed everything — and ended up totally burnt out.
  • Now, I spend $725 a month on lawn care, housecleaning, and meal kits, and I wish I'd done it sooner.
  • Money is not our only resource — our time and energy are, too, and I love having more of both.

Insider Today

My parents taught me some basic lessons on personal finance that served me very well in my first years as an independent adult.

They taught me that you don't spend money you don't have, a rule I took so seriously that I never had a single cent of consumer debt to my name (not even student loans ).

They helped me understand that I had to live well below my means and prioritize saving above all else, an idea that helped me start investing at 21 and encouraged me to save almost half my income through my early 20s. And they told me that the only way to make it in life was to be independent, get a practical, stable job, and work as hard as I possibly could for as long as I could. 

These ideas did give me a huge leg up on my peers through my early 20s. I worked hard, I saved a lot , and I developed a strong financial foundation that allowed me to build up a lot of assets in a short amount of time.

But by 25, I was also feeling burned out and afraid that no matter how hard I worked, I'd never have enough money to feel truly comfortable and secure. I felt guilty whenever I spent money and developed a warped sense of what was truly valuable in life.

I'd spend ridiculous amounts of time and effort looking for savings hacks and DIYing everything to avoid spending money because I saw my finances as a finite and precious resource. The truth is, time is much more valuable — a lesson I wish I'd learned far sooner.

Money isn't the only precious resource we have

As I moved through my late 20s, I slowly learned that money wasn't an end in itself. Money was more like a tool I could use to build what I wanted.

I stopped seeing it as a scarce resource and started considering things like how to better leverage not just my cash flow but my energy and time as well. I started thinking about my personal finances in a broader context: It wasn't just about dollar amounts on a spreadsheet. Using money well required me to think about my priorities and the value I got from the dollars I had, too.

When I made this mindset shift, I saw that my obsession with spending less often cost me more in terms of time, energy, experiences, and the ability to be present with my family. 

My refusal to spend more money — even when I had the discretionary income to spend without actually jeopardizing my financial future — might have meant a little more cash in the bank, but the tradeoff was far less of what made a bigger impact in my life.

What I wish I'd spent money on sooner

I was further convinced to change my spending habits by actual research that suggests people are happier when they use their money to buy back time or to enjoy experiences . When I looked at my own life, I could easily identify places where I was spending a lot of time.

1. Lawn care service

When it came to purposely increasing our spending — a really weird feeling for someone who'd avoided lifestyle creep like the plague for the last decade! — the first thing my husband and I did was hire a lawn care service to help maintain the land around our house. 

For about $175 a month, a crew cuts our grass and does some weed-whacking around our property. They do this in a fraction of the time it takes us to complete the same work, and what was a big weekend chore suddenly becomes something we don't even have to think about (let alone spend time on).

2. House cleaner

We also hired a house cleaner to help maintain the inside of our home, which runs about $300 a month. Just like the lawn crew, our housecleaner is much more efficient than I am. She takes three hours to do the same work that takes me around seven.

3. Meal kit-service

Finally, we tried out a meal-kit service for about $250 per month. I felt extremely skeptical about this; for one, I enjoy cooking. Not to mention, it still takes time to cook the meal that arrives at your doorstep! But I've been shocked at the difference it makes.

What I didn't think about before trying the service was how much time, mental effort, and energy goes into thinking about, planning, shopping for, and preparing every single breakfast, lunch, and dinner for seven days. Now, three days a week, there's no thinking or prep work at all and we save our delivered meals for our busiest workdays. 

Spending more has made me happier — and even improved my finances

Yes, it is a luxury to be able to hire help or somehow outsource some of our cooking, cleaning, and lawn care. Spending $725 per month on these services that, technically, we could do ourselves is a privilege. 

I recognize that, and for me, it is money well spent in terms of net gain.

Before we got this help and support, I completely underestimated how much time and effort went into each of these areas. Spending money this way has given me back a lot of mental space, energy, and hours in the day. It gives me more choice, too: I can choose to spend my freed-up time enjoying more experiences, being with people I care about — or, sometimes, on work that earns me more money than I spent to hire help.

Stubbornly refusing to let anyone help me clean the house or cook a meal takes hours and energy away from solving a business problem or developing new opportunities that increase revenues.

This is where spending money looks more like an investment than a waste of funds. Leveraging money wisely benefits my finances if it allows me to devote more high-quality effort to my work and the business I help run. 

While I'm still a cautious spender, I don't look at my finances in such black-and-white terms as to think all spending is bad and the only good thing to do with money is save it. Personal finance is much more complex than that — and so is life! 

I've found it's much more productive to remember that money isn't the only resource we have. Your time and energy are highly valuable too (and often more valuable than dollars alone). I've found it's more helpful to think of money as a tool that should be (strategically!) used rather than a scarce commodity that must be hoarded at all costs.

This article was originally published in September 2021.

how do i get out of doing chores

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8 ways to add some joy to your most dreaded chores

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how do i get out of doing chores

This post is part of TED’s “How to Be a Better Human” series, each of which contains a piece of helpful advice from people in the TED community;  browse through  all the posts here .

These days, one common complaint that I’ve noticed from friends and on my social media feeds is how much more time we all seem to be spending doing chores. Many meals that were once eaten out or on the go are eaten at home, necessitating more cooking. Being home all day every day, dishes pile up in the sink and everything seems to get dirtier that much quicker.

Like seemingly everyone else right now, I find myself grappling with having to spend more time doing things I dislike. But when the going gets tough, the tough get joyful (that’s the saying, right???) — and so I thought I’d gather some inspiration for ways to make some life’s dullest chores more delightful.

For ideas, I turned to the Joyspotters Society , a free online community I founded that is devoted to finding and creating more joy in daily life. I was overwhelmed by their response. I’ve gathered their tips into themes to make it easier for you to find the strategies that will work for you and added some of my own, as well as ones I’ve come across in my research.

1. Set a timer

Joyspotter Genevieve writes: “I hated emptying the dishwasher (I know, privilege) until I timed myself doing it. It took 4 minutes. Knowing that, it’s no longer a big deal.”

I love this strategy because it creates awareness. What seems like a big, looming task actually turns out to be inconsequential when we look at it.

The other thing about setting a timer is that it can make a task feel like a race, which turns it into a game. Vanessa says that she sets a 17-minute timer for cleaning the bathrooms on Monday mornings. “I always try to beat it! Loooove starting my week with that chore checked off.”

I used to do the same thing for my drawing exercises in grad school, allowing only 20 minutes per page. Being “on the clock” focused my attention, giving me an energy boost that helped me power through pages and pages of repetitive warm-up sketches.

2. Dance it out

Many joyspotters rely on a playlist of fun tunes to keep their energy up during unpleasant chores. The most popular genres seem to be top 40 hits from the 80s, 90s, and 00s, but anything with a fast beat and a joyful cadence will do the trick. (A few specific favorites include Spice Girls, B52s, and Hanson. Joyspotter Marike even has a “special vacuuming song” which she kindly shared.)

I’ll attest to the power of good music as a salve for chores; our weekly cleaning sessions became much more fun as soon as my partner Albert discovered this “Cleaning + Organizing” playlist on Spotify.

And if the urge to bust a move in the middle of chores strikes, most joyspotters agree that it’s worth indulging in a dance break. Shelly writes, “I have cordless headphones and a ‘Joy’ playlist with all songs that bring me joy. I hit shuffle and clean and dance away, makes it go so much faster.”

Even if the time spent dancing makes tasks take a little longer, it feels like less time goes by. And if you invest in a pair of washable mop slippers — as recommended by Twila — your dance moves can be as productive as they are joyful!

Music and dancing can also soothe nerves agitated by certain tasks. As our resident designer Linzi points out, “I hate vacuuming because the noise makes me anxious and it takes a long time. I put on my headphones, turn up my music loud, and make myself dance around the apartment while cleaning.”

Linzi’s approach reminded me that some chores are unpleasant not just because they’re tedious or dull, but because they trigger sensitivities (such as to loud noises or harsh smells) or negative emotions (such as disgust). Adding in pleasing sensations can be an important way to ease the negative impact of these triggers.

3. Layer in a guilty pleasure

Let me make one thing clear: I don’t like the term “guilty pleasure.” Unless a pleasure hurts you or someone else, the guilt we attach to it usually stems from external judgments around the value of that enjoyment. Why sabotage our joy by labeling it in a negative way?

That said, the association can be hard to break, and when it comes to pleasures we feel guilty about, TV is often at the top of the list. Decades of criticism have taught us to believe that TV is “chewing gum for the brain”, so even when we enjoy it, we often feel like it’s something we shouldn’t be doing.

But adding a so-called guilty pleasure to a dreaded task seems to redeem them both. Allowing ourselves to watch a favorite TV show while ironing or folding laundry puts boundaries around the indulgent quality of TV watching and makes the task more pleasurable.

As Eveline says, “I love folding laundry! It is one of the few chores you can do while watching television! Which make[s] me feel not so guilty about watching a quick vlog or tv show in the middle of the day.”

4. Harness the power of scent 

One of the things I’ve been finding joyful in cleaning the kitchen has been rediscovering Citrasolv , a potent natural cleaner made from the oil found in orange peel. It cuts grease like nobody’s business, and the citrus scent always perks me up.

Many joyspotters are also fans of incorporating pleasurable scents in household chores. Nandita sprinkles lavender oil on her sheets after she makes the bed, while Mandalynn adds essential oils to her cleaning products to give them a natural, fresh scent.

Others mentioned choosing cleaning products with joyful scents (one favorite brand is The Laundress) or lighting a candle before or after cleaning.

Doing this can turn cleaning into a form of aromatherapy. Lavender is a good choice because it’s been shown in research to reduce anxiety. Citrus scents might actually help you keep a space cleaner longer — one study found that people were less likely to litter or make a mess in spaces where a citrus scent is present.

5. Document your efforts  

This suggestion comes from joyspotter Nicole, who says, “Sometimes I’m not in the mood to cook… but recently I’ve started making time-lapses of my cooking process and that makes it super fun!”

For her, the fun occurs on two levels: During the process, she knows she has a fun video to look forward to (this stimulates our sense of anticipation, which can be a potent joy enhancer). And after, she gets the reward of watching the video.

Kerri has a friend who uses this same strategy for cleaning, and points out another benefit: The timelapse occupies your phone so that you don’t get distracted during your cleanup.

If a timelapse feels too challenging, you can use your phone to add joy in other ways. Valeska says, “The other week I made some videos using the Snapchat lenses of me pretending to sing along (lip sync) and being silly while cleaning and shared it with some friends.”

She says it gave her “a good laugh (spreading joy) and really raised my energy levels while doing it.” Another easy suggestion: Take before-and-after pics of your work and text them to a friend.

6. Create a ritual of celebration or gratitude

According to Casper ter Kuile, the author of The Power of Ritual , a ritual is defined by three things: Intention, attention and repetition. A routine might be something you repeat often, but add an intention and focus your attention on it, and you can create a ritual.

Joyspotter Lisa does a pre-cleaning ritual, which involves saying a little blessing for her home and lighting a candle. She says this helps her focus on how she’s creating positive energy by cleaning, making it less a chore than a joyful act of transformation.

Other joyspotters do something similar after cleaning. Jennifer, for example, lights a candle when she’s finished. As she says, “It’s like a finishing touch or celebration, it’s nice!”

Many joyspotters also incorporate elements of mindfulness or gratitude throughout their chores, reflecting on how thankful they are simply to have a home to take care of or clothes to fold. Doing this takes the focus off the task and brings it back onto the broader joys that such objects enable.

7. Surround yourself with things you love

Another way to make chores more joyful? Stop caring for items that you don’t really want or love. As joyspotter Claudie writes, “The other thing that has helped me is making sure I only have things I really like in my house/cupboards/wardrobe. I have bright colors and pretty things about and find them more rewarding to keep tidy. That way I’m not wasting time tidying stuff that irritates me anyway!”

When we buy things, we tend to think about them as simply physical objects. But each item we acquire is also a commitment to a future investment of time: The time spent washing, mending, maintaining or even just seeing that item.

When you have things you don’t like in your space, this time and effort can feel wasted. When you truly love what you’re surrounded by, as Claudie points out, it doesn’t erase the fact that you’re doing chores but your effort feels meaningful and worthwhile.

Having items you truly love can also give you something to focus on while doing unpleasant tasks. For example, Lindsey keeps plants near the sink so that she sees them while she’s washing dishes. Instead of having a blank wall to look at, she surrounds the spaces where work occurs with thethings that bring her joy.

8. Realize that OK is good enough

And lastly, several joyspotters say that sometimes it’s important to lower your standards. “OK is good enough,” writes Hinda, saying that this has become a bit of a mantra for her as someone with a perfectionist streak.

To those of us type-A folks, the idea of lowering standards can sometimes feel like we’re letting ourselves down. But instead, think about it as a form of prioritization.

You can have perfectly clean floors all the time, but is that something that’s going to matter to you when you’re 80? If so, by all means, scrub away.

But for most of us, sacrificing a bit of perfection in our chores can be a conduit to spending more time lingering over a delicious meal, enjoying a sunset or working on a rewarding project.

At the end of the day, chores keep us — and our homes — safe, clean and healthy so that we’re able to do the things that bring us joy. So if having more time for joy means sometimes doing the bare minimum, that seems a worthwhile trade-off to me.

This post was first published on The Aesthetics of Joy site — and go to the original post there to read 6 more tips.

Watch her TED Talk here: 

About the author

Ingrid Fetell Lee is the founder of the blog The Aesthetics of Joy and was formerly design director at the global innovation firm IDEO.

  • how to be a better human
  • Ingrid Fetell Lee
  • personal growth
  • society and culture

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Doing Household Chores Can Keep Your Brain Healthy as You Age—So, Stop Putting Them Off

how do i get out of doing chores

  • Nan Wise, PhD , licensed psychotherapist, cognitive neuroscientist, and certified sex therapist

For the study, which sought to draw links between doing chores and brain health and cognition, 66 cognitively healthy older adults underwent three medical assessments, including a health evaluation, structural brain imaging, and a cognitive assessment. They were also asked how often they spent tidying up their home, meal-prepping, doing housework, yard work, and other to-do list activities.

The conclusion? Those who were 'to-do'-ing more around the home displayed more brain volume in the hippocampus and frontal lobe, which are the brain areas that help with memory, learning, and cognition. So essentially, when you’re performing seemingly mindless chores like, say, scrubbing your table or doing a load of laundry , you actually may be sharpening your brain.

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Of course, the study was limited in terms of its narrow testing and focus on a specifc age group, but it does track that the benefits of doing chores would include brain health. First, the organizational and planning aspect of chores (see: making your to-do list, color-coding the books on in your bookcase, and so on) may promote the formation of new neural connections. Second, chores may also keep you active in a way that's similar to low-intensity aerobic exercise, which can bolster heart health and, subsequently, help brain health, too.

"Lots of movement is the most important brain exercise known to man. So, however we can make the chore into something active can enhance the quality of our brain health." —Nan Wise, PhD, neuroscientist

"If we can be physically active when doing chores, that’s really good for the brain," says neuroscientist  Nan Wise, PhD . "Lots of movement is the most important brain exercise known to man. So, however we can make the chore into something active can enhance the quality of our brain health."

Furthermore, the benefits of doing chores can also extend to relieving stress , since cleaning can promote a sense of control, and organization can help calm down the nervous system. And considering that stress can compromise all facets of wellness , including our cognitive brain health, that’s a major win as well.

Still grimacing at the idea of cleaning your room? I get it—me, too. To help motivate yourself to grow to reap the benefits of doing chores, Dr. Wise suggests adding some creative movement into your routine. For instance, dance while vacuuming or dusting! Listen to music to make it as fun as possible. You can further gamify it however you'd like, too.

"Train your brain while doing chores in the house by changing things up," Dr. Wise suggests as a way to introduce novelty. "Think about how you can be most effective in going about your chores, and then implement some new routines. Do a bit of research about the best methods that you can use for cleaning or doing laundry or balancing your checkbook."

So while it may seem easier to let your water glasses linger in your room or go  just  one more week without Swiffering, it’s equally easy to get down and dirty with your chores...and help your mind stay sparkling for years to come.

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The Way Couples Split Chores Can Improve Relationships, According to a New Study

Young hipster couple doing their laundry

I s washing dishes harder than buying groceries? Does one load of laundry equal two takings-out of the garbage? Should people who clean bathrooms get a free pass from ever having to keep track of what bills need to be paid? These and other questions about the division of labor in the home have been marital fight-starters for years. A new study, however, finds that couples have been thinking about this all wrong. Dividing up tasks is good for factories. Sharing tasks is better for families.

In an analysis of nationally representative surveys from the 1990s and early 2000s that gathered information on family life and time use, University of Utah associate professor Daniel Carlson noticed some interesting trends. Couples who each took on specific chores and didn’t share any of them were not as satisfied with their relationship as couples who shared at least three chores. “The number of equally shared tasks matters a great deal for both men’s and women’s relationship quality,” writes Carlson in a Council for Contemporary Families research brief for the paper, which will later be published in the journal Sex Roles . “Indeed, among recent cohorts there is evidence to suggest that it matters as much if not more than each partner’s overall proportion of housework.”

This does not mean partners need to be doing a given chore at the same time; they can switch off. It’s the fact that both are doing the same sort of work that’s key. “One of the biggest predictors of satisfaction is a feeling of fairness in relationships,” says Carlson. “It turns out that the more tasks couple share together, that they do jointly, the greater their feelings of equity, the more satisfied they are with their housework arrangements.” Looking more closely at recent cohorts he noticed, the effects were amplified. “Those who were equally sharing all the tasks, 99% reported that their relationship was fair,” he says. “Those who had 50/50 housework, but they didn’t share any tasks together? Only half of them thought their relationship was fair.”

One of the reasons for this, he speculates, is that not all household tasks are created equal. “Some are more enjoyable than others. Some are more isolating than others,” says Carlson. “If I get to go through the grocery shopping, I get to go out of the house, I get to interact with people, potentially, as opposed to sitting on my knees, cleaning the toilet.” So even if the amount of time spent on housework is the same, or the number of tasks is the same, the labor involved might not be remotely similar. “I might get the three easy ones, the more fun ones, and you might get the three harder ones,” says Carlson. “So even though we’re kind of splitting it up on the surface, when it comes down to it, those tasks are not equivalent.”

Another reason why sharing tasks works better may be that doing things together fosters collaboration and a sense of togetherness, even if people are not actually doing the chores at the same time. “I could do the laundry on Tuesdays and Thursdays, you could do the laundry on Mondays and Wednesdays, but that requires coordination. That requires communication,” says Carlson. “Good high quality relationships are built on good communication between partners, a sense of togetherness and mutual decision making.” In some supplementary analyses which aren’t in the paper, Carlson found that couples who shared chores tended to have better communication skills. It’s unclear, however, which came first. Do happy couples share chores because they already know how to work together already or did their ability to collaborate become enhanced by figuring out together how best to stack the dishwasher?

Family scholars have long known that a perception of fairness is a big contributor to partners’ happiness. This partially explains why people in traditional marriages—in which there is one breadwinner and one home-maker—often report levels of satisfaction equal or greater to those in so-called egalitarian marriages where both partners pursue paid employment. In many traditional marriages, the partner (pretty much always the woman) who stays home and does the bulk of the housework and childcare understood or even welcomed the deal going into the marriage.

Meanwhile, in most egalitarian heterosexual marriages, the burden of housework and childcare still fall unequally on the female partner, a situation which hasn’t shifted very much in three decades. In families where both parents work outside the home , mothers do 13.5 hours of housework, while fathers do 9.5 hours. This asymmetry was amplified during the pandemic, when many women made the decision exit paid employment because of the increased demands on the home front. Many of the reasons for this were structural; women are usually the lower-earner partners, so it makes more sense for them to stay home. But as many researchers have pointed out, it’s a positive feedback loop: If women have to take on more of the domestic burden they are less able to compete for higher-paying jobs and promotions. And if they earn less, it only makes sense that they’re the ones who leave the workforce when things at home get hectic.

How strong is the effect of doing chores together? “If you’re a woman in an egalitarian relationship where you’re not sharing any tasks, then your level of satisfaction is as low as it is for women who are doing all of the housework,” says Carlson. “And if you’re a man who is sharing the majority of tasks with your partner then you’re just as happy in your relationship as a guy who doesn’t have any housework responsibilities.”

This last finding surprised Joanna Pepin, an assistant sociology professor at the University of Buffalo, New York, who was not involved in the study. “That was a little counterintuitive from what we’ve been assuming,” she says, which is that less housework for either party in an egalitarian partnership always means more happiness. But she says the result may well have to do with partners getting a clearer picture of what each other is doing and how much work it is. “If they’re sharing tasks rather than splitting them up, I can envision that it’s making visible all the invisible things that they may take for granted,” she says.

Pepin’s research examines why gender inequality within families is still robust despite gains in women’s earning power. “Women’s roles have changed so much and we are kind of trying to figure out what the incentive is for men to take up more of the labor at home,” she says. “This is a really smart approach to thinking about why we might be stuck in getting to more equality in relationships.”

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Getting Teenagers to Do Chores Without Nagging

  • Assign Chores Early
  • Offer Flexibility

Pay a Commission

  • Establish Consequences

Avoid Buying Everything

  • Give One Reminder

Chores can be a major source of contention in many families—especially when teenagers are involved. Whether your teenager always promises, "I'll do it later," or they flat out say, "I'm not doing that," getting young people motivated to get to work can be a challenge.

And while it can be tempting to nag your teen when they're not making an effort, nagging isn't a good idea. Constant reminders are likely to make your teen less motivated and less responsible.

Your teen isn't likely to remember to take the trash out on Tuesdays if they know you'll remind him a dozen times. And they aren't likely to leap into action the fifth time you've told them to do something if the first four times weren't effective.

It's important for kids to have chores . And chores are a great way to teach teens to be more responsible. Try these strategies to get your teen to do chores without nagging.

Assign Chores Ahead of Time

Asking your teen to do a spontaneous chore can lead to an argument. If you see your teen watching television on Saturday morning and you suddenly ask, "Can you please clean the garage now?" you're likely to be met with resistance.

When possible, make your expectation clear ahead of time. Assign regular chores that you expect to be completed routinely, such as emptying the dishwasher and cleaning the bathroom. Make spontaneous requests to complete extra chores as infrequent as possible.

Offer Some Flexibility

The teenage years are the perfect time to learn valuable life skills , such as self-discipline. Offering a little flexibility and freedom around chores gives your teen an opportunity to practice these skills.

Tell your teen they can use electronics or enjoy other privileges once their chores are done. Then leave it up to them to decide when to get to work. They'll learn to manage their time better when they are able to make small choices on their own.

While some parents pay an allowance for all chores, others think kids need to chip in and help out without the expectation of being paid. Sometimes, a middle of the road approach is a good way to instill valuable life lessons while still teaching responsibility.

Consider making some chores expected (and uncompensated), but paying your teen for extra chores that you might otherwise hire someone to do. Babysitting younger siblings, mowing the grass, or raking the lawn might be paid a commission. Cleaning his room, doing the dishes, and helping with meals are just part of being a family member.

Establish Clear Consequences

Make it known what will happen if your teenager doesn’t do chores. Whether you simply don’t allow them to earn any money or you take away privileges , make sure your teen knows it's up to them to decide their fate. If they choose not to do their chores, follow through with the consequences without giving them reminders.

If you purchase everything your teen wants, or you give them unlimited privileges regardless of how much work they put in, they won't be motivated to do chores. Cover the basic necessities, but don’t hand over spending money or extra privileges just because your teen asks.

Offer One Reminder Only

The goal is for your teen to eventually be able to complete all of their chores without requiring any reminders. After all, you won't be there to nag them to clean their room when they're 30 (hopefully not, anyway). But if your teen needs one reminder in the beginning, go ahead and give it to them—but stop at one.

You can offer an “If…then” statement to remind them of the consequences. Try saying, “If you don’t get the bathroom cleaned before bed, then you won't be allowed to use your electronics tomorrow.” Then leave it up to them if they are going to do it.

If they choose not to do their chores, follow through with that consequence. Avoid lecturing or shaming them, but instead make it clear that they can choose to do their chores in the future if they want to retain their privileges.

Exchange Family Center. Parenting tips: Supporting your teen in “adulting”: Tips for parenting your teen and teaching them how to be independent .

By Amy Morin, LCSW Amy Morin, LCSW, is the Editor-in-Chief of Verywell Mind. She's also a psychotherapist, an international bestselling author of books on mental strength and host of The Verywell Mind Podcast. She delivered one of the most popular TEDx talks of all time.

14 ways to make chores more joyful

ways to make chores more joyful

Author’s note: This post was originally published on November 14, 2020. It has been updated and reposted.

Sometimes it feels like all I do is chores. This is — of course — an exaggeration, but as the parent of a toddler all I know is that dishes pile up in the sink faster than anyone can wash them and that the end of day toy reset often feels futile by 8 AM. And it’s not just kid chores that get on top of me.

Historically, my approach to my least favorite chores could be called “creative avoidance.” When I realized that I hated ironing, I started buying fewer clothes that needed to be ironed, or just hung clothes in the bathroom while I was taking a shower to get the wrinkles out. (I’ve since graduated to a steamer, which I break out on special occasions!) I stock up on socks and underwear to be able to stretch out the time between doing loads of laundry. I’ve gone out to eat simply to avoid dirtying the kitchen.

But parenthood and pandemic living have broken some of my well-honed systems, and like many others, I find myself grappling with having to spend more time doing things I dislike. But when the going gets tough, the tough get joyful (that’s the saying, right?) — and so I thought I’d gather some inspiration for ways to make some life’s dullest chores more delightful.

Ways to Make Chores More Joyful

For ideas, I turned to the Joyspotters Society , our private community of more than 6000 joyspotters, and I was overwhelmed by the response: more than a hundred tips and tricks were shared by this generous, thoughtful group. I’ve gathered them into themes to make it easier for you to find the strategies that will work for you, and added some of my own tips, as well as ones that I’ve come across in my research. All in all, I hope what you find here helps make chores more fun and less stressful. If creating more joy at home is on your to-do list, make sure you’re on the waitlist for my free live workshop The 5 Secrets to Designing a Feelgood Home.  Sign up for the waitlist here.

smiling scrubber

1. Set a timer

Joyspotter Genevieve writes, “I hated emptying the dishwasher (I know, privilege) until I timed myself doing it. It took 4 minutes. Knowing that, it’s no longer a big deal.” I love this strategy because it creates awareness. A looming task can feel like it requires a huge amount of time and effort when in reality, it will be over much sooner than you expect.

The other thing about setting a timer is that it can make a task feel like a race, which turns it into a game . Vanessa says that she sets a 17 minute timer for cleaning the bathrooms on Monday mornings. “I always try to beat it! Loooove starting my week with that chore checked off.” I used to do the same thing for my drawing exercises in grad school, allowing only 20 minutes per page. Being “on the clock” focused my attention, giving me an energy boost that helped me power through pages and pages of repetitive warm up sketches.

2. Dance it out

Many joyspotters rely on a playlist of fun tunes to keep their energy up during unpleasant chores. The most popular genres seem to be top 40 hits from the 80s, 90s, and 00s, but anything with a fast beat and a joyful cadence will do the trick. (A few specific favorites include Spice Girls, B52s, and Hanson. Marike even has a “special vacuuming song” which she kindly shared with the group.) I’ll attest to the power of good music as a salve for chores; our weekly cleaning sessions became much more fun as soon as Albert discovered this “Cleaning + Organizing” playlist on Spotify.

And if the urge to bust a move strikes, most joyspotters agree that it’s worth indulging in a dance break. Shelly writes, “I have cordless headphones and a ‘Joy’ playlist with all songs that bring me joy. I hit shuffle and clean and dance away, makes it go so much faster.” Even if the time spent dancing makes things take a little longer, it feels like less time goes by. And if you invest in a pair of washable microfiber mop slippers , as recommended by Twila, your dance moves can be as productive as they are joyful!

Music and dancing can also soothe nerves agitated by certain tasks. As Linzi points out, “I hate vacuuming because the noise makes me anxious and it takes a long time. I put on my headphones, turn up my music loud, and make myself dance around the apartment while cleaning.” Linzi’s approach reminded me that some chores are unpleasant not just because they’re tedious or dull, but because they trigger sensitivities (such as to loud noises or harsh smells) or negative emotions (such as disgust) and that adding in pleasing sensations can be an important way to ease the negative impact of these triggers.

3. Escape into another world

Another popular strategy among joyspotters is to listen to podcasts or audiobooks while doing unpleasant chores. “About a year and a half ago I started listening to podcasts,” says Daniella. “This has changed my life. Boring tasks have become the trigger for quality time.”

Monotonous tasks often occupy our hands, but not our minds. Adding in narrative or learning completely flips the purpose of that time: it becomes joy-time, and the work is just incidental. As Daniella says, “If I put the kids to bed, and then discover there isn’t much laundry or there aren’t many dishes — I’m actually a little disappointed!”

Audiobooks, with their serial nature, can even make you look forward to your list of chores. I’ve always hated spending time in the car, especially stuck in traffic, but when Albert and I made a rule that we could only listen to our current book in the car, I began to look forward to our long drives back to the city on Sunday night. I’ll confess I even sometimes wished for traffic so that we would get to listen a little bit longer.

4. Layer in a “guilty pleasure”

If you’ve been reading this blog for awhile, you probably know that I don’t like the term “guilty pleasure.” Unless a pleasure hurts you or someone else, the guilt we attach to it usually stems from external judgments around the value of that enjoyment, and why sabotage our joy by labeling it in a negative way?

That said, the association can be hard to break, and when it comes to pleasures we feel guilty about, TV is often at the top of the list. Decades of criticism have taught us to believe that TV is “chewing gum for the brain” or “empty calories,” so even when we enjoy it, we often feel like it’s something we shouldn’t be doing.

But adding a so-called guilty pleasure to a dreaded task seems to redeem them both. Allowing ourselves to watch a favorite TV show while ironing or folding laundry puts boundaries around the indulgent quality of TV watching, and makes the task more pleasurable. As Eveline says, “ I love folding laundry! It is one of the few chores you can do while watching television! Which make[s] me feel not so guilty about watching a quick vlog or tv show in the middle of the day.”

Music can also be a guilty pleasure, particularly the cheesy stuff that the cool kids turn up their noses at. And here again, pairing this music with chores creates a kind of balance that makes each it feel more palatable.

5. Find a way to play

While one approach to chores is to simply get through them as quickly as possible, another is to create opportunities for play and whimsy within the tasks. When one joyspotter mentioned she hates changing the sheets, Laurie responded, “Ah the cure for this one is a mischievous cat…putting clean sheets on the bed becomes an adventure of hide & seek.”

Laurie’s comment reminded me how my nanny Lola used to play with me while she was making the bed, letting me lie still in the sheets as she tightly made the bed around me. (This task was best done at night so I didn’t ruin her hard work by immediately messing the bed back up.) I still have joyful memories of this that I think about whenever I make a bed now.

Other ways to turn chores into play? “I’ve learned if I turn mopping into a dance party and play in the dish soap bubbles, both become more bearable!” writes Larissa. It’s hard not to find the joy in bubbles. It also helps if you can get others involved. With a little creativity (and little children!) toy clean up can turn into a scavenger hunt. I also found a suggestion online to turn a basket of clean socks into a game of “Go Fish.” Everyone grabs a few socks, and takes turns holding up a sock asking if someone else has the mate. If they come up empty, the player has to take a sock from the draw pile (or laundry basket). The first player to match all their socks wins!

6. Choose joyful tools

I swear by the power of joyful tools to make dull tasks feel more enjoyable, and was not surprised to see so many joyspotters do too.

What makes a joyful tool? Color helps, and several people mentioned having recently replaced cleaning items such as microfiber cloths or rubber gloves with versions in a favorite color or in a rainbow palette. I personally love this fluffy multicolor duster, which looks like a funny cartoon character helping to get the job done.

multicolor duster | ways to make chores more joyful

And if you can’t find a colorful version, you can make your own! Wrap washi tape or colorful twine around the handles to add a pop of joy to tools you already own. In the Joyspotters Society, Natalie mentioned she spray painted her vacuum pink, while Petra crochets her own cleaning cloths from bright orange yarn.

Another way to make a tool joyful is to give it a little personality. My smiley face dustpan takes the edge off whenever I have to pick up something I’ve spilled. Adding googly eyes to a tool also helps to make it come alive. Karina writes, “Before he passed (RIP) we named our Roomba Gary. It was always more fun to pick up so Gary could have a spin around the living room. He even had googly eyes and a bow tie hot glued on!”

Some tools are so effective, they actually feel magical. Jenny says, “I never liked mopping until I finally got a steam mop. Now I feel like I’m unleashing dragon power, and it goes so much faster! 🐉🤣” Cleaning robots and dragons? If your cleaning regimen is a little bit Jetsons, a little bit Lord of the Rings, it’s a pretty good recipe for joy!

7. Harness the power of scent

One of the things I’ve been finding joyful in cleaning the kitchen has been rediscovering Citrasolv, a potent natural cleaner made from the oil found in orange peel. It cuts grease like nobody’s business, and the citrus scent always perks me up.

And it turns out that many joyspotters are also fans of incorporating pleasurable scents in household chores. Nandita sprinkles lavender oil on her sheets after she makes the bed, while Mandalynn adds essential oils directly to her cleaning products to give them a natural, fresh scent. Others mentioned choosing cleaning products with joyful scents (one favorite brand is The Laundress) or lighting a candle before or after cleaning.

Doing this can turn cleaning into a form of aromatherapy. Choosing lavender is ideal because it’s been shown in research to reduce anxiety, while citrus scents might actually help you keep a space cleaner longer. That’s because a study has shown that people are less likely to litter or make a mess in spaces where a citrus scent is present. It’s possible that we associate citrus with cleanliness, and this influences our behavior on an unconscious level.

8. Make a timelapse

This whimsical suggestion comes from joyspotter Nicole, who says, “Sometimes I’m not in the mood to cook… but recently I’ve started making time lapses of my cooking process and that makes it super fun!” For her, the fun occurs on two levels: during the process, she knows she has a fun video to look forward to (this stimulates our sense of anticipation, which can be a potent joy enhancer). And after, she gets the reward of watching the video. Kerri has a friend who uses this same strategy for cleaning, and points out another benefit: the timelapse occupies your phone so that you don’t get distracted during your cleanup.

If a timelapse feels too challenging, you can use your phone to add joy in other ways. Valeska says, “The other week I made some videos using the Snapchat lenses of me pretending to sing along (lip sync) and being silly while cleaning and shared it with some friends.” She says it gave her “a good laugh (spreading joy) and really raised my energy levels while doing it.”

14 ways to make chores more joyful

Research shows that we find more joy in an activity when we do it with someone else, and this has certainly been my experience during quarantine. Though we divide up the tasks, Albert and I have a designated weekly clean time, and doing it together not only lightens the load, but also lightens our spirits.

Several joyspotters mentioned getting kids involved. For example, Frances discovered one day that her four year-old loves to vacuum. Others give kids old socks and let them run around dusting. Reading this reminded me of child psychologist Alison Gopnik’s advice to involve kids in a full range of household tasks. Young kids haven’t yet learned to see these tasks as tedious , and often find it fun to shell beans, peel carrots, or weed the garden, especially if these tasks become a form of bonding.

And if you live alone? Consider scheduling time to do tasks together virtually. FaceTime a friend while you’re both cooking dinner. Or host a closet cleanout with a small group of friends on Zoom, taking turns trying things on for each other for advice on what to keep and what to toss.

10. Create a ritual or celebration

According to the author of The Power of Ritual , Casper ter Kuile, a ritual is defined by three things: intention, attention, and repetition . A routine might be something you repeat often, but add an intention and focus your attention on it, and you can create a ritual. Joyspotter Lisa does a pre-cleaning ritual, which involves saying a little blessing for her home and lighting a candle. She says this helps her focus on how she’s creating positive energy by cleaning. It’s less a chore than a joyful act of transformation. Other joyspotters do something similar after cleaning. Jennifer, for example, lights a candle when she’s finished. As she says, “It’s like a finishing touch or celebration, it’s nice!”

Many joyspotters also incorporate elements of mindfulness or gratitude throughout their chores, reflecting on how thankful they are simply to have a home to take care of, or clothes to fold. Doing this takes the focus off the task and brings it back onto the broader joys that such objects enable.

11. Treat yourself

Joyspotter Jenny writes, “I think having a treat to look forward to after the work is finished, something like a TV show, reading time, or a snack, also helps.” Happiness expert Gretchen Rubin says that treats may seem frivolous to some people, but they’re helpful because forming good habits is draining, and treats help restore our energy.

“When we give ourselves treats,” she writes , “we feel energized, cared for, and contented, which boosts our self-command—and self-command helps us maintain our healthy habits.” She notes that research has shown when people are given a small treat, it increases their self-control.

I like to treat myself by cooking (carefully!) something indulgent, like a cake or granola, in my newly cleaned kitchen. (Gone are the days when I worried so much about dirtying it!) This year, after planting our garden, we celebrated with lunch outside on the patio, where we could look at our hard work and enjoy it. Treats don’t have to be particularly indulgent to be successful. Even a workout could be a treat if it’s something you don’t often get to do!

Sometimes, as with our garden, the treat is simply to enjoy the result of your hard work at the end of the day. Several joyspotters mentioned envisioning this result at the beginning helped them stay motivated through their chores. As Alicia writes, “I try and remind myself how nice the bed feels after putting new sheets on.” Having this mental picture of the joy of the result clarifies the reward of doing the chores, reminding you why you’re bothering to do these chores in the first place.

12. Have only things you love

Another way to make chores more joyful? Stop caring for items that you don’t really want or love. As joyspotter Claudie writes, “The other thing that has helped me is making sure I only have things I really like in my house / cupboards / wardrobe. I have bright colors and pretty things about and find them more rewarding to keep tidy. That way I’m not wasting time tidying stuff that irritates me anyway!”

When we buy things, we tend to think about them as simply physical objects. But each item we acquire is also a commitment to a future investment of time: time spent washing, mending, updating, or repairing that item. When you have things you don’t like in your space, all this time and effort feels wasted. But when you truly love what you’re surrounded by, as Claudie points out, it doesn’t erase the fact that you’re doing chores, but the effort feels meaningful and worthwhile.

Having items you truly love can also give you something to focus on while doing unpleasant tasks. For example, Lindsey keeps plants near the sink so that she sees them while she’s washing dishes. Instead of having a blank wall to look at, she surrounds the spaces where work occurs with things that bring her joy.

13. Add a sense of harmony

Joyspotter Seth points out that there’s a particular joy in packing the dishwasher neatly. Reading this, I immediately recognized the harmony aesthetic, which explains the joy we find in creating or restoring order. Some joyspotters find a form of this joy in arranging their closet or drawers. As Janet writes, “I love organizing. I don’t fold my laundry, I artfully arrange it.”

When we can create satisfying systems, neat folds, or orderly arrays of items, it not only makes our surroundings feel more harmonious, it also makes us feel like our chores are a kind of bulwark against chaos. Not just a mindless task, but something that has a broader impact on the flow of our daily lives.

14. “Okay is good enough.”

And lastly, several joyspotters say that sometimes it’s important to lower your standards. “Okay is good enough,” writes Hinda, saying that this has become a bit of a mantra for her as someone with a perfectionist streak. To those of us type-A folks, the idea of lowering standards can sometimes feel like we’re letting ourselves down. But instead, think about it as a form of prioritization.

You can have perfectly clean floors all the time, but is that something that’s going to matter to you when you’re 80? If so, by all means, scrub away. But for most of us, sacrificing a bit of perfection in our chores can be a conduit to spending more time lingering over a delicious meal, enjoying a sunset, or working on a craft project. At the end of the day, chores keep us safe, clean, and healthy, ideally so that we can do the things that bring us joy. And if having more time for joy means sometimes doing the bare minimum, that seems a worthwhile one to me.

What about you? Do you have any secrets or strategies for making chores more joyful? If so, I’d love to hear about them in the comments.

This post was inspired by contributions from the Joyspotters Society , our free online community devoted to finding and creating more joy in daily life. As one member says, “It’s becoming a vital part of my day to look through all the beauty and joy! It’s also the most inclusive, supportive and non-judgmental group I’ve ever been in on FB.” If you’re not yet a member, I hope you’ll come join us there!

And if you’re interested in creating more joy at home, you don’t want to miss my free workshop  The 5 Secrets to Designing a Feelgood Home .  You can sign up for the waitlist here .

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how do i get out of doing chores

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Discussion (6 Comments)

My family loves games, so, like some of your readers suggested, we made chores into games. We played “Beat the Clock” on doing a chore or elaborate “judging” after room clean-up. That is until one day… When I suggested Dog-Poop-Pick-up was like an Easter Egg hunt and I told my son that I’d compete with him on who could get the heavier bag, he said, “Knock yourself out, Mom.” The kids are all grown up now, but I still gamify any kind of task or chore to make it more fun! I’ve done this at work, as well, and it makes any kind of work more fun.

Some great ideas here! Thank you!!

I’m going to stick some flowery happy stickers on my vacuum cleaner right now. And find out where I can get a more colourful mop. And no, my floors are not squeaky clean; like you wrote so rightly: that’s not what’s going to matter when I’m 80.

I’m going to put stickers on my vacuum cleaner and washitape on the mop broom 😊 Maybe gold star stickers on the cleaning supply bottles too, or an adhesive gift ribbon on top of the cork.

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Ultimate Household Chore List: Keeping Every Room Fresh & Clean

clean bedroom

Household chores aren't necessarily anyone's idea of fun. Still, getting them done is paramount to keeping your home clean, healthy, functional and all-around pleasant. Whether you have kids, live with roommates or reside only with a partner, a chores list can help things run more   smoothly.

Your house chores list won't look exactly the same as the next person's, but this guide will go over some of the most common daily, weekly and monthly   chores.

Here's the full list of household chores we'll cover:

Washing dishes

Loading/unloading the dishwasher

Cooking or preparing meals

Packing lunches

Sweeping or vacuuming the kitchen and eating area

Feeding pets and getting them fresh water

Walking the dog

Taking out the trash

Clearing the counters and putting things away

Making the bed

Vacuuming all rugs and carpets

Sweeping or vacuuming and mopping all hard floors

Dusting shelves and window sills

Cleaning the bathrooms

Scrubbing all sinks, drains and faucets

Changing out hand and kitchen towels

Changing out bedding

Doing laundry

Planning weekly meals

Grocery shopping

Watering plants

Rolling out the garbage and recycling bins

Mowing the lawn

Cleaning all windows and mirrors

Cleaning out the refrigerator

Tossing out expired pantry food

Cleaning out the oven and microwave

Changing the HVAC filter

Dusting the blinds or shutters

Vacuuming or steaming the curtains

Vacuuming furniture

Cleaning the walls

Dusting the baseboards

Organizing the closets

Bathing the pets

Washing the car

Vacuuming out the car

Weeding the garden

Read on for details, insights and tips for creating your own chore chart.

Benefits of a Household Chores List

Why make a home chores chart? In a perfect world, all tasks would get done in a timely manner without you having to ask or remind your family or housemates. But realistically, pulling it off takes a bit more planning and organization.

Making a list of chores to do around the house can ensure everyone does their fair share of work. Plus, it can take some of the mental burden (or emotional labor , if you will) off the person who typically does the remembering and reminding. Listing everything out and assigning tasks will help put housework on autopilot.

A chore chart can also help you make sure things get done on time. And when things are done on time, tasks won't pile up and become insurmountable. For instance, not folding and putting away clothes one week means you'll have twice as much to do the following week. But if you get it done every weekend, it won't feel so overwhelming. And in the end, a clean, orderly home is simply more enjoyable to be in.

What to Put On Your Chores Checklist

So, what tasks should you include on your household chores checklist? It depends. As mentioned, a chore list for adults with roommates will probably look a little different from a family chore chart or a list of household chores for couples. And of course, you probably have personal to-dos on top of the communal tasks that need to be done.

You can get an idea of what to put on your daily, weekly and monthly chart by checking out the lists below.

What Household Chores Should Be Done Daily?

There are a handful of things that need to get done daily, but that doesn't mean they’ll take much time or effort. Like brushing your teeth, completing a task every day may eventually feel more like a habit than doing a chore.

Your daily chore list might include:

Setting thes table

Checking the mail

As noted, some tasks are more personal, like putting your belongings away and making your bed, though there might be some grey area with couples and families with younger kids. 

Want to make your personal chores list all the more satisfying? Learn How to Layer Your Bed Like a Stylist .

What Household Chores Should Be Done Weekly?

Weekly tasks are things that may not require daily attention but still need to be completed on a regular basis. While every home and household is different, the following list can help get your wheels turning when creating your own chart.

Your weekly chore list might include:

Scrubbing all sinks, drains, and faucets

Depending on your personal needs and preferences, you might do some of these tasks more than once a week, while others may be completed bi-weekly or even monthly.

What Household Chores Should Be Done Monthly?

Each month, you can tackle things that aren't as urgent or that may take a bit longer to complete, such as deep-cleaning and organizing. Still, getting them done is as important as your household's daily and weekly tasks.

Your monthly chores list might include:

Some tasks can be done every few months or even annually, such as cleaning out the garage or replenishing cleaning products, toilet paper and other household essentials. You might also have some seasonal outdoor projects, like cleaning the gutters, pressure-washing the driveway and washing the outside of the windows.

Read our article for the quintessential Bedroom Organizing Tips .

Laundry Chores

Laundry is among the more time-consuming and tedious household chores, but it still needs to get done on a regular basis. Depending on the size of your household and who lives with you, you might be able to break it up so that one person doesn't bear the entire burden. Here's what to consider.

Washing, Folding and Putting Away Clothes

Dirty clothes typically pile up the fastest, so it's vital they're not only washed but also folded and put away. If one person is in charge of washing and folding, you might have another person make sure everything's put back in the proper drawers or closets.

Read our blog to learn How to Wash, Dry and Care for Bathrobes , then check out our How to Wash Organic Cotton Clothing and Organic Clothing Guide for insight into finding and caring for the best high-quality garments for you and your family.

Washing Bedding

You should change out your bedding about once every seven to ten days, whether you do it by grabbing a fresh set from the linen closet or washing your sheets and duvet cover (See our guide on How to Wash Sheets the Right Way ). Putting this on your weekend chores list makes the most sense for many households. However, some people like to switch out their pillowcase multiple times a week to minimize the amount of oil buildup and bacteria that touches their face.

For a deeper dive into this topic, see our article How Often Should I Wash Cotton Sheets? And check out our guide on How to Wash and Properly Care for Bedding and for step-by-step instructions.

Washing Bath Linens

Bath towels , hand towels, washcloths and other bath linens should be washed about every three or four uses — or at least once a week, if that's what your schedule allows. Since towels are heavy and bulky, tossing in a few wool dryer balls can help prevent twisting, speed up the tumbling time and even make them fluffier (and if you’re wondering, yes, wool dryer balls really work and are better than dryer sheets!)

Some people like using a fresh makeup towel every night for skincare purposes, in which case it might be worth getting a set of seven. That way, you can wash them once a week and keep a folded stack in your bathroom.

Here’s some helpful resources for keeping your towels fresh and clean:

How to Wash and Properly Care for Towels  

Keeping Towels Fresh: How to Get a Smell Out of Your Towels

How to Fold & Style Towels Like a Hotel

Washing Other Household Linens

You probably have various other household linens that need weekly laundering. These may include tablecloths , cloth napkins, fabric placemats, dish towels, cloth rags and bath mats .

Items like rugs , shower curtains, throws and decorative pillow covers can be cleaned monthly or bi-monthly. Just make sure they're machine-washable before tossing them in your washing machine.

Check out our guides to learn How to Wash, Dry and Care for Bath Mats and Rugs .

Bedroom Chores

Household chores often include tasks that are more or less everyone's responsibility. So then, what should your bedroom chores list look like? On a daily basis, you can make your bed, tidy up your vanity, put dirty clothes in the laundry and bring any water glasses back to the kitchen.

Once a week, you can put your clean clothes away in drawers and on hangers, vacuum the floor, wash your bedding and dust all the hard surfaces. Bedroom tasks you can do less often include cleaning your comforter and bed pillows, organizing your drawers, doing closet inventory and donating unused items.

Wondering if it's time to replace your bed pillows? Read our article How Often to Replace Pillows for Health and Comfort .

Check out our other blogs to learn How to Care for Down Bedding and to discover Why Making Your Bed Matters .

Bathroom Chores

While cleaning the bathroom probably isn't the funnest thing on your chores list, it's definitely not something you want to skip. Whether it's a half bath, a powder room, a guest bathroom or an en-suite primary bath, cleaning this space regularly will ensure it smells fresh while keeping mold and mildew at bay.

In addition to washing the towels weekly, your list might include vacuuming and mopping the floors, cleaning the counters, scrubbing the tile, sanitizing the faucets, wiping down the tub, squeegeeing the shower walls and cleaning the mirror. You may want to launder your shower curtain and clean the liner once a month as well.

See our guide for a complete rundown of Bathroom Essentials and Functional Necessities every home needs.

Living Room Chores

Since the living room is a shared space and generally a high-traffic area, your living room chores list should cover both daily and weekly tasks. Your daily chart might include folding blankets, straightening throw pillows, putting toys away and placing the remotes back in their designated spot. 

Once a week, you can tackle vacuuming the floors, fluffing up the furniture cushions, dusting all hard surfaces, wiping down the coffee table and end tables and watering plants.

For specific decor tips, see our guide on How to Style Throw Pillows Like a Designer , and check out these 23 Basket Storage Ideas .

Kitchen Chores

What about the kitchen? As with the living room, this high-traffic space is shared by everyone in your home. Since it's used multiple times per day for cooking and eating food, regular cleaning is crucial for preventing stinky smells, mold and pest infestations.

Sweeping and mopping the floors, wiping down the counters and disinfecting all high-touch surfaces are important to-dos. Beyond that, your chores list should focus on doing dishes, taking out the trash, recycling and cleaning out the fridge, pantry and cabinets. Here's what to consider.

Setting the kitchen table is probably a daily chore as you’re preparing for dinner. Here’s a thorough guide on the Best Stylish and Functional Kitchen Table Top Decor Ideas .

Doing Dishes

If you live with roommates and typically prepare your own meals, it might make the most sense for each person to be in charge of their own dishes. But if your home has a dishwasher, you may want to take turns with emptying duties.

For couples and families with kids who eat shared meals, divvying up the kitchen chores list can make things more fair and manageable. For example, if one person cooks dinner, someone else might clean up the dinnerware afterward, and another person might be in charge of emptying or loading the dishwasher.

Taking Out the Trash

As mentioned, household chores are particularly critical in the kitchen to prevent odors. Doing the dishes and wiping down the counters is part of the equation, but taking out the trash daily (or at least every couple of days) will help keep the space smelling fresh.

If your kitchen has a garbage disposal in the sink, be sure to run it after doing dishes. And if your family composts, make sure the bin is regularly emptied.

Recycling is key to keeping your home not only clean but also green . In addition to trash and potentially compost, your kitchen should have designated bins for paper products, plastic containers, aluminum cans and glass. (The rules on combining materials vary by region, so check with your local waste-management provider if you're not sure how to separate your recycling).

If you're like the growing number of modern households that receive a package daily, you'll want to have a system in place for cardboard boxes. To minimize clutter and stay on top of your recycling, be sure to break boxes down promptly and put them in the appropriate bin.

Parachute is committed to sustainability and green business practices. Ongoing efforts include a circular program for recycled down pillows , a pledge to be carbon-neutral , strategies to reduce packaging waste, Oeko-Tex and GOTSⓇ certification for our core products, and a goal to replace all virgin polyester with recycled polyester.

Some things are easier to get rid of than others. Here's How to Donate, Recycle and Reuse Old Bed Sheets and Towels .

Cleaning Out the Fridge

Cleaning out your fridge is an essential household chore for maintaining a fresh-smelling kitchen. Each time you buy groceries, do a quick scan of produce, meats, cheeses and other foods that are no longer good.

Once every month or so, check the dates on condiments and other less-perishable items and toss anything that's expired. To prevent your fridge from smelling like a lunch box, you're also wise to take everything out each month and wipe down all the shelves and drawers. Put fridge cleaning on your monthly or bi-monthly chores list.

Cleaning the Pantry and Cupboards

Spices, canned food, baking essentials, snacks and other dry goods typically don't go bad as quickly as refrigerated items. However, anything that's been opened — even if it's resealed or secured with a chip clip — will go stale a little quicker.

As with your fridge, it's a good idea to toss out expired pantry food each time you bring groceries home. Then on a monthly basis, you can do a more thorough inventory and wipe down the shelves while you're at it.

Keeping Your Closets and Cabinets Organized

On a similar note, keeping your closets and cabinets organized can actually help you keep your entire home clean. How so? When each item has a designated spot, it's easier to tidy up, and (bonus!) you're less likely to misplace things.

But it's not quite as simple as throwing stuff into a closet or cabinet. Ideally, the interior should be organized into zones with assigned shelves, bins or sections. This is where a label maker can really come in handy.

Also, you'll want to avoid overstuffing your storage areas. There are definitely some exceptions, but a good rule of thumb is to take something out of your home every time you bring a new item in. For instance, if you buy a new sweater, you might donate an old cardigan you no longer wear.

How Should You Organize Your Linen Closet ? Read on to find out.

When and Where to Deep-Clean

Deep cleaning is kind of like organizing in that it needs to be done but not necessarily very often. So, where does it fit into your chore schedule? This depends on how many people live in your home, whether you have kids or pets and the space in question. Generally speaking, you should prioritize high-traffic areas.

For example, kitchens and bathrooms can often use a thorough scrub-down every couple of weeks. Garages and attics, on the other hand, may only need to be deep-cleaned once a year. A home office might fall somewhere in between and require dusting every month or two.

Keeping a House Clean With Kids and/or Pets

Maintaining a clean and orderly home is easier said than done when you have kids, pets or both. However, creating a household chores list can make things feel less chaotic while preventing an accumulation of sticky residues, crumbs and fur.

Encouraging each child to do a chore can help them develop a sense of responsibility and feel good about contributing. That said, a family task list won't look the same as a chore chart for adults.

Consider the age of each child, and assign duties accordingly. Younger children can do simpler tasks, such as putting away their folded clothes, feeding the pets and cleaning up their toys. Older kids can do tasks like emptying the dishwasher, running a load of laundry, checking the mail, walking the dog or taking out the garbage.

Here’s some helpful resources for Washing & Caring for Baby Bedding and Towels to keep your little ones safe with non-toxic washing techniques. 

Eco-Friendly Housewares for a Clean, Green Home

Cleaning can be enjoyable, but it's safe to say not everyone likes doing chores and housework. That's why making a list of what needs to be done, creating a schedule and assigning tasks to each member of the household can make things a bit more doable.

If you're looking for ways to make your lifestyle and home more eco-friendly , Parachute has you covered. From sustainably made bedding and organic linens to natural laundry essentials and artisan-made decor , you'll find something that speaks to you.

Browse the environmentally conscious collections today!

Simple Ways to Freshen Your Home for Spring

Spring Organization: An Expert Guide

How to Keep White Bed Sheets White

Best Sustainable Fabrics for an Eco-Friendly Home

What is a Good Thread Count for Sheets?

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How to Make Household Chores More Fun and Mentally Stimulating

Here's how to ensure you get your tasks done with some joy along the way.

how do i get out of doing chores

Clutter is natural in any home. It is important, however, to tackle messy hotspots in the spaces you use the most. "I recommend 'resetting' a room when you're done using it so that it looks like it did when you walked in the door," says Jessica Haizman , an organizational expert and lifestyle influencer. "This can be anything from tossing out garbage, stacking up dirty plates to take to the kitchen, gathering your little ones' toys up off the floor, or washing the dishes after every meal."

By tackling these chores each and every day, you can avoid performing that dreaded overhaul a few times a year. Even though daily tasks may seem daunting, there are ways to make the process more enjoyable. No matter what you do, try to make a schedule and don't try to do everything all at once.

"For example, you could have a day where you do laundry, another day where you deep clean the bathroom, and another day where you reorganize the pantry," says Melissa Metrano , a cleaning expert and lifestyle and home influencer. "This will help you get into a routine and take up less of your time each day."

It's also possible to have some fun along the way when doing your chores. This can give you an extra push to get your place looking as good as new. "Whenever I'm working up the motivation to clean a space in my home, I always try to focus on how much better I will feel after getting it done," says Haizman. Here, our experts share four ways to cross these tasks off your to-do list—and introduce some fun and mental stimulation along the way.

Stream a TV Show or Podcast

You can take your favorite mobile device from room to room as you clean—so consider streaming a TV show or podcast while you work. "Some of my favorite things to do is prop up my iPad and watch my favorite YouTuber or Netflix show while I fold laundry ," Haizman shares. "[I also] put my [headphones] in and play my 'Mom's on Stage' Spotify playlist while I vacuum the house (and sing really loud—hello endorphins!). Thanks to modern technology, we have lots of options to keep our minds entertained while our bodies do the work."

Dance to Some Music

There's nothing quite like a built-in dance party to add some fun to your household activities —especially if you get the kids involved. Haizman recommends turning up the music and taking a twirl around the rooms as you sweep, dust, or vacuum. You can even make it a game: Once the song changes, you need move on to the next chore at hand (so you'll have to finish up quick!).

Metrano agrees, as listening to music is her go-to. "This makes time go by so fast without being too distracting," she says. "Recently I have been putting on the Q-tips Spotify playlist , there are 100 songs and it is so good! I don't think I would be as motivated to clean without having something fun to listen to."

Give a Friend a Ring

Chatting on the phone with friends or family can make the cleaning and organizing experience that much more enjoyable while you're in progress and once you're done. "It really does feel incredible to relax in a nice clean home, free of the clutter, garbage, and dirty dishes, " Haizman says—and that feeling is even sweeter if you catch up with a friend in the process.

Have Your Favorite Products on Hand

Haizman recommends having your favorite products and appliances on hand to make chores easier and more fun. If you know you need to clean your floors, invest in a high-quality vacuum that can tackle any necessary messes—doing so might make you excited to use it, especially since you know it's up to the job and easy to maneuver.

The same goes for other tasks, like washing dishes. Haizman suggests stocking up on fragrant, pretty dish soaps (consider J.R. Watkins Foaming Dish Soap ($6.99, jrwatkins.com ) ) that can tackle stuck-on food and grime and make simple work of the pots and pans that may have piled up in your sink. The aromatic experience is just another added benefit.

CNN

How your seasonal chores count toward your fitness goals

Editor’s note: Dana Santas, known as the “ Mobility Maker ,” is a certified strength and conditioning specialist and mind-body coach in professional sports, and is the author of the book “Practical Solutions for Back Pain Relief.”

As the seasons change so do some of your inside and outside chores, especially if you live in a four-season climate. For those in the northern United States, heading into autumn usually means raking leaves, packing up summer clothes, and pulling coats and other warmer clothes out of storage.

Regardless of climate, many people decorate their homes and landscapes for fall and the upcoming holidays, so lugging boxed decorations out of storage and spending time decorating are on many folks’ seasonal agendas.

What a lot of people don’t realize is that those seasonal chores are functional exercises that can burn more calories than some traditional fitness activities. In fact, raking leaves can burn more calories in an hour than a brisk walk or weight training session.

What’s more, because seasonal chores, like raking, are considered moderate-intensity cardiovascular exercise , time spent preparing for the fall season counts toward the recommended 150 minutes of moderate exercise per week .

Calculate and track calorie burn of your seasonal chores

According to the physical activity calorie calculator on the American Council on Exercise’s website , a person with a body weight of 170 pounds (77 kilograms) would burn 308 calories doing an hour of yard work, such as raking. Comparatively, walking briskly at a pace of 3.5 miles per hour burns only 293 calories for that same 170-pound person. For those focused on indoor seasonal chores, using the same body-weight metric, an hour of housework at 231 calories is the equivalent of an hour of basic weight training .

The calculator gives you an idea of potential caloric burn, but keep in mind that these numbers are only estimations since your individual metabolism in any exercise session is influenced by many factors, including age, biological sex, body composition, fitness level and intensity of effort. Using a wearable fitness tracker that includes this personal information in its calculation will give a more accurate, individualized number.

Avoid injury and maximize benefits by treating chores like exercise

When you go to the gym to work out, you carefully consider the weights you use and the time you spend exercising. You also gauge the overall demands on your body versus your fitness level and what you believe you are actually capable of doing. For instance, if you have only ever used 10-pound dumbbells for overhead pressing, you would know better than to switch suddenly to 50 pounds because you would likely hurt yourself.

Unfortunately, too many people forget to use that mindset when doing seasonal chores. Some look at the task at hand as simply needing to be done and just do it — or attempt to — without considering their own potential limitations, prepping their bodies for the demands of the task, and keeping in mind proper form and other factors while executing the chore. This lack of awareness can easily lead to injury.

To maximize your fitness benefits and lower your risk of injury, follow the tips below:

With any form of exercise, it’s important to prepare for the associated movements and effort. Take a few moments to move your body in all directions and planes of motion while raising your heart rate. Begin with some gentle stretching and progress to movements such as arm circles, walking lunges, lateral lunges, jumping jacks, jogging in place and other similar warm-up exercises.

Use proper form

Just as you would execute an exercise at the gym, you want to perform your seasonal chores with the same attention to proper form. Lifting should be done by bending your knees and using your legs as your main source of power. Stay aware of your balance and maintain stability with a hip-distance or a slightly wider, even stance during most tasks. Whenever you’re twisting, as you would when raking or shoveling, focus on rotating from the middle of your back — never your lower back — to avoid strains.

Switch sides

Because most humans have a dominant side, we tend to favor that side while doing chores. But doing an hour of sided work, especially seasonal work that you don’t commonly do, could lead to significant muscle soreness and overuse injury. That’s why it’s best to switch sides every few minutes. It may feel awkward and slow you down a bit to use your nondominant side, but hurting later will feel much worse and slow you down even more.

Make chores manageable

Be realistic about the tasks you are trying to accomplish. As with the earlier example of not using weights that you know you couldn’t lift, don’t risk injury by trying to do the impossible. Get someone to help with any heavy lifting beyond your capability, break up larger tasks into smaller ones and take breaks as needed.

Stay hydrated

Remember that an adult body is composed of up to 60% water . Even in cooler temperatures outside, we lose fluid through our sweat. That’s why it’s critical to take water breaks during your chores and keep hydrated after you’re done with your work.

Cool down and recover

Because your seasonal work may be less familiar to your body, there is a good chance you will feel sore afterward, having worked muscles in different ways than your normal routine. To lessen the chance of significant soreness, take a few minutes to stretch and breathe after you complete your chores. And then give your body some much-needed recovery by taking time to rest and put your feet up, eat a healthy, satiating meal and get enough sleep.

By following the guidelines above, you can safely maximize the benefits of fall seasonal tasks, getting your house, yard and body in shape for the upcoming holidays.

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Household chores can be functional exercises that can help you keep your home and body in great shape. - Maskot/Maskot/Getty Images

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How can i get my kids to do chores.

Pitching in benefits children, as well as the whole family

Writer: Christina Frank

Clinical Experts: Caroline Mendel, PsyD , Stephanie A. Lee, PsyD

What You'll Learn

  • What do kids learn by doing chores?
  • How early should kids start doing chores?
  • What are some ways to make doing chores easier?

Doing chores is important for a child’s development. They help kids learn life skills and responsibility. Doing chores also teaches kids how important community is, whether it’s their family or their school or their neighborhood. They can boost confidence, too.

The earlier you start having kids do chores, the better. You can have them start doing little things around the house when they’re 3 or 4.

Making chores part of a routine can help. Giving kids a choice of which chores they do and keeping a chore chart can also be helpful.

Making the chore specific, like asking them to put their books away and then put their toys away, is better than saying, “Clean your room.” Being specific lets kids know what is expected. Breaking chores down into steps is especially important for kids with ADHD or learning disorders.

Rewarding kids with praise or an allowance for completing chores gives kids a sense of accomplishment. You can build toward doing more or harder chores. For example, start by having your kid make their bed once a week and slowly build until they do it every day.

If a kid knows what chores are expected of them but doesn’t do them, you can tell them you’re taking away their allowance or screen time. This way, kids start to understand that their choices have consequences. Then you can encourage them: “Next week is another chance to do your chores and earn your allowance. I know you can do it!”

Chores can be a pain, whether you’re a kid who has to do them, or a parent who has to tell your kid it’s time to do them.

But the potential for some familial friction is worth it, say experts in child development. Pitching in teaches children empathy, responsibility, and the importance of belonging to a community. “Chores teach children how to do tasks that they will need throughout their lives — like doing laundry and the dishes. And they teach skills that will benefit them in the classroom and on the sports field, such as how to work together and be a part of a team,” says Caroline Mendel , PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute.

And the sooner you start the better. Researchers have linked doing household chores at an early age with feelings of competence, self-confidence, and a sense of responsibility to other people. In a University of Minnesota study of 84 adults in their mid-twenties, the best predictor of their success (in terms of career, relationships, and not using drugs) was that they participated in household tasks when they were three or four; those who did not begin doing chores until they were 15 or 16 were less successful. The implication is that the sense of responsibility learned by doing household task is best learned when children are young.

Here are some tips for making chores manageable for your child and beneficial for the whole family.

Make chores part of the routine

Routines and structure are really grounding for kids, says Dr. Mendel. She suggests that children be told what the expectations are upfront and have some choice (when possible) about the chores they want to do — set the table or clear the table, for example — to help them feel invested. A chore chart that provides a visual schedule for what exactly each child will do on each day of the week is helpful; family meetings or “check-ins” are also good for reviewing expectations.

Break it down

Kids are likely to be more successful, and therefore feel more of a sense of accomplishment, if they are given a job that is not only developmentally appropriate, but very specific. Instead of telling your child something vague and potentially overwhelming like “clean your room,” for example, first tell them to put the Legos back in the bin and then tell them to put the books back on the shelves.

For children with executive functioning challenges, including those with ADHD, this approach is especially important.

When introducing a new responsibility or behavioral goal, Dr. Mendel employs a technique known as “shaping.” So, you might tell your child to make their bed, but you change the definition of what that means gradually, over time. Initially, “making the bed” could mean simply spreading the sheet on the bed. Next time, it would mean spreading the sheet and placing the bedspread over it, and so on. Or, you might first expect your child to make the bed once a week and increase the frequency from there. “You’re progressively building on to what the definition of making your bed is in order to receive the same reward, whether that means earning allowance or praise for doing a great job.”

Focus on skill building

The best chores are related to things you know your child is going to need to be able to do down the line, says Stephanie Lee , PsyD, head of the ADHD and Behavior Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute. “An elementary or middle schooler could be involved in laundry, clearing the table, washing dishes, helping with meal preparation,” she notes. “In taking on those chores, your child will learn more about how to do those things for themselves in the future.” Even preschoolers can pitch in on household tasks, beginning with putting away toys.

For older kids, Dr. Lee recommends linking chores, when you talk about them, to future independence. If you want to be able to make a cool dinner for your girlfriend or boyfriend one day , or If you want to make your favorite food when you go to college. “I think the more you can link chores to real life circumstances and experiences, not only are they more functional,” she adds, “but they’re a little bit easier and more palatable for kids and teens to take on and understand.”

Rewards for chores

Ideally, children would be eager to help out just because it’s the right thing to do. But that’s not always how it works in reality. The issue of whether kids should be rewarded for doing chores, either with money or privileges, is controversial. “Giving some sort of extrinsic motivator is  often what’s needed to get the job done,” says Dr. Mendel.

Dr. Lee notes that paying kids for work around the house — whether in earned activities, parental attention, point towards a coveted object, or actual coin —is not that different from parents getting paid to do a job. “It’s an agreement you make with your child proactively,” she explains. “You’re saying, ‘I know this is hard for you. Here is the paycheck for putting out that hard work.”

What about the argument that rewarding kids for chores is bribery?  “Bribery is reactive. It’s waiting for your child to misbehave and then suddenly offering them all these bells and whistles,” says Dr. Lee. “That is very different than deciding beforehand on a contract. We want to try to be as proactive as we possibly can about behavioral contracts from the start.”

Provide consequences

When kids resist doing chores—and they will—Dr. Mendel stresses that it’s important not to make them feel bad or allow the situation to escalate. “You say it as neutrally as possible, just sort of matter of fact: ‘You did not do your chores, so you did not earn your allowance.’”

If you’re using a different reward system, you could point out that they didn’t do the laundry, therefore their soccer uniform isn’t clean, or they didn’t wash the car, so they won’t have the earned privilege of using the car this weekend (in the case of a teenager). In this way, kids begin to understand accountability and that their decisions affect them.

“And then you predict success next time,” suggests Dr. Mendel, by saying, ‘next week is another chance to do your chores and earn your allowance. I know you can do it!’”

Frequently Asked Questions

You can get your kids to do chores by making a regular chore routine. It also helps if they get to choose which tasks they do. Make sure you are specific about what’s expected of them. For example, rather than telling them to clean their room, you might ask them to put their toys away and make the bed.

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John Legendary was terminated from his high-paying engineering job after starting a sex work side hustle.

He’s porn again.

An aerospace engineer says he was terminated from his high-paying job after starting a sex work side hustle — but now plans to pursue porn full-time.

John Legendary, 39, was told last week that his position at a prestigious defense contracting company had been axed due to “cost-cutting” measures, but the Los Angeles-based Lothario believes a female supervisor discovered his erotic online activities.

“We got a new senior supervisor a few weeks ago, and she kept hinting,” Legendary claimed to The Post. “She was like ‘You look familiar, have we met before?'”

“I work remote, so she would only see me on Zoom,” the adult entertainer added. “[But] she kept mentioning it.”

Legendary — who has an MBA and a master’s in information management — took the aerospace engineering job three years ago. He started shooting amateur porn about a year later out of curiosity.

John Legendary, 39, was told that his position at a prestigious defense contracting company had been axed due to "cost-cutting" measures, but the Los Angeles-based Lothario believes a female supervisor discovered his erotic online activities.

“I was in the hotwife lifestyle,” the kinky content creator explained. “I would f–k wives while the husbands would film me, so I was doing that and I was comfortable with husbands filming.”

That’s when Legendary started to think about how he could make money having sex.

“I was f–king these wives for free. I was just doing that as my Saturday night hobby, my kink I did on the weekend. What would it be like to f–k pornstars and get paid for it?” he recalled thinking.

Legendary was making around $150,000 a year at the defense contracting company, working remotely from his residence in LA.

He earned more money at previous jobs but chose to take a pay cut due to the flexibility that remote work was going to offer.

“I figured I could moonlight as a pornstar and get a couple of extra dollars,” the amorous engineer said, noting Los Angeles was an “expensive” city to live in.

Legendary was making around $150,000 a year at the defense contracting company, working remote from his residence in LA.

View this post on Instagram A post shared by John Legendary (@johnlegendary_)

Soon after, Legendary started an OnlyFans, shooting porn scenes on the weekend and during his lunch breaks.

The entertainer said he never tried to hide his saucy side gig and signed “conflict of interest” paperwork.

“You have to notify the company that you’re doing another job,” he explained. “I did mention that I had another job, and I noted that it was in an unrelated industry.”

Legendary amassed a large online fan base and the sexed-up star started to shoot with professional porn companies.

Late last year, he increased his visibility by appearing in the online reality show, “For The Love of Lena.” The show is hosted by podcaster Adam 22 and his porn star wife, Lena The Plug, and revolves around 10 men, including Legendary, competing to have a threesome with the couple.

Given Adam 22’s popularity, Legendary believes it was his role in this series that may have caught the attention of his bosses and co-workers.

Last year, Legendary also won an AVN Award — known as the “Oscars of porn” — for Best Foursome/ Orgy scene.

On Jan 27. of this year, he won a second AVN Award for Favorite Male Indie Creator. He was terminated by the defense contracting company on Feb. 5.

The entertainer estimates that he was making about $100,000 a year from his pornographic side gig. Now, he plans to devote himself to porn full-time and believes his earning potential is unlimited.

Prior to his termination at the defense contracting company, the entertainer claimed he was making about $100,000 a year from his pornographic side gig.

Money aside, it’s also a dream come true.

“I’m from Detroit, Michigan and I’m like ‘Hmm, I’d love to be a porn star one day,'” Legendary recalled. “You’d watch your dad’s VHS tapes and be like ‘Man, I want to do that one day,’ but you don’t really think you can actually do it.”

“But when you live LA, you’d be surprised by what you can actually make happen.”

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John Legendary, 39, was told that his position at a prestigious defense contracting company had been axed due to "cost-cutting" measures, but the Los Angeles-based Lothario believes a female supervisor discovered his erotic online activities.

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Un-Marry Me!

A best-selling author on relationships was totally unprepared when his wife told him she wanted to be “unmarried.” what did that even mean.

This transcript was created using speech recognition software. While it has been reviewed by human transcribers, it may contain errors. Please review the episode audio before quoting from this transcript and email [email protected] with any questions.

From “The New York Times,” I’m Anna Martin. This is “Modern Love.” Welcome to a new season. And Happy Valentine’s Day to all you lovers out there.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

If you listen to the show, you’re clearly into stories about relationships, so you may have heard of a guy named Dave Finch. There was a time when a lot of people wanted to hear his ideas about making relationships work because he seemed to have solved a big problem in his own marriage. As he tells it, the problem stemmed from his overpowering need for order and predictability. And it came out in all kinds of everyday situations with his wife, Kristen, and their two kids.

Take this, for example. I had it in my head that nap time was 10 o’clock and 2 o’clock. And if the 2 o’clock nap didn’t happen because somebody dropped over for a visit or because they were fussy and not going down for a nap, I would start to almost spiral in a way. It was this sense of panic. And I would lash out and try to seize control.

And she would say, why are you freaking out, Dave? I already have two babies who won’t go down for a nap, and now I have a husband who’s freaking out because babies won’t — they’re babies. They don’t always take a nap. And I remember saying to her, you told me nap time is 10:00 and 2:00, so if it’s not 10:00 and 2:00, you have to tell me that.

And she was thinking, why would I have to tell you that? Be an adult. Don’t be a third person in this house I have to take care of.

Tensions kept building between the two of them. But then they had a breakthrough. Dave went to a psychiatrist.

Five minutes into the conversation, it was like, you can stop. You have Asperger’s. This was in 2008, so they were still using the word Asperger’s. But it was so revelatory for me because for three years, the most important person in my life was saying things like, you just don’t get it, Dave. And in that moment, she saw me not as a husband who is a walking checklist of deficits but as a human being who is wired a certain way, who doesn’t mean to be making things difficult all the time. It’s not all his fault.

These days, the term Asperger’s isn’t used much, but it refers to an autism spectrum disorder. After that diagnosis, Dave began to understand all the ways his brain worked differently.

The autistic mind craves predictability. And when that prediction doesn’t match reality, it’s considered a personal violation. And that’s why the autistic brain starts to spiral and feel very anxious and dysregulated. I needed to understand what was expected of me, how I needed to show up in those situations. I really needed a sense of control, a sense of structure, a sense of predictability.

Dave couldn’t get predictability, but maybe he could figure out how to be a better partner. So he came up with an idea. Every time Kristen got frustrated with him about something he did or didn’t do, he wrote it down so maybe he could get it right the next time. One rule he had was be present in moments with the kids, which meant playing with them instead of getting annoyed when they didn’t follow exactly the rules of a game. Another rule was just listen.

When Kristen had a problem, she didn’t need a literal spreadsheet of solutions. All she wanted was for him to show a little empathy.

Dave’s list of rules got longer and longer.

Don’t change the radio station when she’s singing along. Don’t sneak up on her and surprise her when she’s pouring coffee. She hates that. Apologies do not count when you shout them. Don’t just take what you need from the dryer. Fold all the clothes and put them away.

He wrote all these rules down on Post-it notes and little scraps of paper and kept them in a drawer in his bedside table. Dave talked about all this in a Modern Love essay, which led to a best-selling book called “The Journal of Best Practices, A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man’s Quest to Be a Better Husband.” And he became a public speaker —

Thank you. I am Dave, and it’s really exciting for me to be able to come and talk to you this morning.

— sharing what he learned with other struggling couples.

The big game changer for people is adaptability, a willingness and an ability to change, to adapt, to unlearn old behaviors. And it’s hard, but it is possible.

Seems like a happy ending, right? But listen to this one interview Dave did at the time. Ira Glass, the host of “This American Life,” asked Dave how Kristen felt about one of his best practices. It was the rule about acting empathetic.

But wait, is that satisfying for her? I mean, if you say to her, god, that must be terrible for you, and you’re not really empathizing, and she knows you’re just saying it by rote because you’ve been trained to do it, is that actually satisfying to her?

That’s a really great point. I can now surmise using intellect that, yes, that must have been very trying for her.

Still, Dave stuck to his best practices for a few more years. Until one day —

I just got out of the shower, and Kristen marched into the bathroom and said, I have a revelation to share with you. We’re done being married. We’re just done.

And I said, wait. Wait, wait. What do you mean, we’re done? She’s like, this marriage, this thing we’re doing, the thing we’ve been doing and it’s exhausting for both of us, we’re not doing that anymore. We’re just — we’re done being married. And I said, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I’ve been doing the best practices. I’ve been working the method. I’m about to go give a lecture in Missouri about how to be a great partner in a marriage. I said, so wait, we’re separating? She said, no, more like we’re detaching. And I remember asking, detaching, what does that even mean? Because to me, it sounds like we’re not married anymore. And she said, you know what, Dave? We’ll call this unmarried.

And then she just turned around and left the room.

We’ll be right back.

Kristen had just dropped this major bomb on Dave, right as he was getting out of the shower no less. So was this the end of their marriage or just another bump in the road? I asked Dave to sit down and talk with me about it. Dave, welcome to “Modern Love.” Thank you so much for coming on the show.

Thank you so much. I can’t wait to have this conversation together.

So let’s pick up where we left off. What did you do after Kristen told you she wanted to be unmarried? You were literally heading to give a talk about how to have a successful marriage.

I had to climb in the car and drive all the way down through Illinois to get to Missouri —

— and then drive through Missouri. And I had given so many talks at that point. I wasn’t worried. I knew I could get my way through the talk. The bigger picture was like, I’m about to go tell these people this, and my wife just said, I don’t want to be married anymore?

Well, yeah, what was going through your head on that drive?

I just replayed that moment over and over. What could she mean? I didn’t go to a place of positivity when she said that. The eight or nine hours I had in the car right after that moment were catastrophizing and trying to imagine new scenarios of what our life would look like. But really, it was just replaying, with deafening loudness, the conversation that we had had that morning.

Oh, Dave. I’m feeling really crushed.

It was a moment where I felt I had lost my partner. I was starting to feel what must have been grief.

What you thought it meant then was, we’re done.

Yes. It just sounded to me like, this is the first step in what is ultimately going to lead to divorce. And I thought, it’s not even that I need Kristen to be my wife. The scary thing for me was, everything I was doing, it’s still not good enough? Like, how is this person going to stay in my life if I can’t be good enough even after all this work? That was the scariest part for me.

In the days and weeks after that conversation in the bathroom, you started to see what Kristen meant by unmarrying. What did you see her doing as she put unmarrying into action in her own life?

So I was very confused. And since she wouldn’t give me a definitive “we are terminating the marriage,” I knew that we were still in a relationship. And I remember even asking her at one point — I was like, am I supposed to be dating other people? She was like, god, no. I was like, OK, so we’re still faithful to each other, right?

Which is good because I don’t want to go out there and start dating people. And I’d asked her, does that mean I don’t have to do household chores or — she was like, no, you still have to —

Still have to do the dishes. You still have to — I was like, oh, damn it. But as I started observing her, what she was doing was going out and having long coffee dates with friends. And she was treating herself to leisurely strolls in the midmorning. She was journaling. She was reading books by Brené Brown and Anne Lamott and all these great thinkers.

And she was like, Dave, go mountain biking. Take trips by yourself. Go whatever. And so I started aping her work.

OK, Dave, I got to know what that meant for you.

I started saying, well, I’ve noticed that she’s really gotten into essential oils and burning white sage and energy clearing the house. I could do that too. So check this out.

Here’s my white sage that I still —

Well, there you go. Oh, my god.

I went full woo for about three months, where I was like — I had my chakras tested. And that didn’t feel right. I was like, I’m not experiencing the joy that she seems to be experiencing in her new Kristen renaissance of just living her life outside of the marriage. So then I tried to get myself some friends. And I architected how to get friends.

And I went out there, and I experimented. And I was needing from them all the stuff I was needing from Kristen, which was this constant brotherhood, companionship awesomeness. And after a while, I was too much for them. And they were like, dude, no. I don’t want to be macho with you anymore. This sucks.

I mean, during this time, if you went somewhere together and you had to introduce her, what would you even say? How would you explain your situation to someone?

So at this time, I was meeting a lot of new people, a lot of philanthropists, a lot of business people. And I had to go to a bunch of different functions and stuff. And sometimes, Kristen came along. And when we went somewhere and I would introduce her, I would introduce her awkwardly as my not wife anymore.

Oh, my god. Dave.

I’d be like, hi, I’m Dave. This is my not-really-my-wife Kristen. We’re kind of married, but apparently, we’re not. And she would get —

she would get so angry.

What would she say?

She would roll her eyes and go, oh, my god. I’m his wife. I’m Kristen. She did not love that I had taken off and put away my wedding ring and put that in a drawer, and I replaced it with a skull ring that I had bought from an artist in Spain. [LAUGHS]

Oh, my god. You’re taking this — you are confused, but you’re taking it to a different level.

Yeah. I was very chippy about this. This was like, I didn’t sign up for unmarried. I didn’t work this hard for the last six years to be floundering like this.

But I wasn’t introducing Kristen as my not really my wife anymore to get under her skin. I truly thought that I couldn’t introduce her as my wife anymore and that I didn’t know what else to call her since we were both clearly married. [LAUGHS]

Hmm. And I mean, through all this, you’re watching Kristen seem comfortable with your new relationship dynamic. She’s having a life. She’s having fun outside your relationship. And when you try to do similar things, it’s not working. Was it confusing to you? Was it painful?

Yes. So what I was observing was Kristen doing the work that was helping her to thrive. And it was bringing her back online. It was bringing her joy back into the world. She was alive again. She was flourishing. And I was still struggling. And I felt very lonely in that.

There were periods where I even felt resentful, where I was like, so she has moved on from trying to be somebody who the marriage is all that makes her happy. She’s moved on from that. She’s running a different playbook now. And I felt sort of abandoned in my ridiculous best practices and, frankly, felt like I was floundering.

Mm. And how long did it take for being unmarried to start making sense to you?

One of the very first times that I understood what she meant by unmarried, probably four, maybe five years after she introduced the idea to me, was that she was done managing my energy.

Wait, four or five years?

So the next phrase that she coined after unmarried was energy manager. And she was done running 10 steps ahead of me, making sure that the environment that I was in was something safe feeling and predictable and within my control. Because if I got into a bad mood, then she would get into a bad mood. So to avoid me getting into a bad mood and her, ultimately, feeling that same way, she would prevent the things that she knew would trigger my bad moods.

And it was exhausting for her. And I didn’t even know that she was doing this. So she was this unwilling participant in my grand experiment to create the best possible husband. What she was saying was, I’m out of the experiment, and neither one of us needs to be working this hard all the time. You stop trying to be this perfect husband. I’m going to stop trying to manage your moods and your energy and being your partner in this big experiment.

I’m going to work on making myself happy. I suggest you do the same. If we’re going to stay together, I really need you to be happy for yourself, by yourself, and then we come together in the middle and share that happiness.

Wow. I mean, that feels like progress. I totally get what she’s saying, too, about energy manager. That’s so real. But I mean, now, you have to manage your own energy. How did you do that?

A fellow classroom dad — the parents of somebody that my kids went to school with — pulled me aside and was like, hey, you ever been mountain biking? You want to go mountain biking with us this weekend? Me and a group of guys are going. I was like, oh, yeah, OK. And I was immediately addicted.

First ride, I was like, I need to do this every day for the rest of my life.

And I am all in. And Kristen said, perfect, Dave. That’s the sort of heat that you need to follow. Follow that. Chase that feeling. What does that feel like? You don’t need me to be part of that. Go find a hobby that lights you up. And so I was like, all right. One of the first times where I thought, you know, maybe this unmarried isn’t so bad.

I was flying weightlessly down the side of a mountain in Park City, Utah, having the time of my life, laughing out loud, hooting, hollering, feeling every turn and every jump and every near-death experience with a tree or a rock and laughing the whole way down the mountain. And I got to the bottom, and I thought, you know what? I’m here by myself. This feels like my soul is alive and on fire, and I love it. And I texted Kristen. And I was like, I think I know what you mean. [LAUGHS]

The previously married you, not the unmarried you, would not have done that, would not have leaned into this hobby, would not have leaned into this freedom?

No, because my Asperger model for faithful, good husband was you do everything with your spouse. Everything that you do that you enjoy, every hobby, every undertaking, every lawn project, every whatever is with your partner. I had become someone who was determined to be Dave Finch relative to his marriage with Kristen. And if it’s a good marriage, then I’m a good guy to be around. And if it’s a bad marriage, then I suck.

But behind the scenes, Kristen had a different take. She was looking at it like, he’s going to all this trouble, all this effort, living and dying by rules. And Kristen was like, why don’t you be Dave Finch? I’ll be Kristen Finch. We’ll have our marriage. And, Dave, your hobby cannot be our relationship.

I started to see that what Kristen really meant — and this is semantics — she probably meant antimarried. The way that we are married is not working. We’re going to flip it. It was more of a divestment from all the things that were really holding us up in our relationship as opposed to a termination of a marriage.

I just want to be clear. Unmarried, antimarried looks a lot like just being married?

Yes. We are still totally subscribed to the traditional trappings of a marriage, meaning we still live together. We are intimate with each other. We are exclusively faithful. Neither one of us has any intention, design, desire to go outside of the marriage for anything other than friendships and hobbies. It’s more that we have parted ways with the other traditional trappings of marriage, which is expectations and me needing you to be this thing that will never materialize, me needing the relationship to feel a certain way.

We are antimarried because, by throwing those things aside, we actually have more room to enjoy watching each other flourish, supporting each other, cheering each other on, being there when things are hard for each other, the aspects of our marriage that we wanted in the first place, which is that joy of being together. The marriage that she was done having was the marriage where everything was a project. She was looking at it like, he’s going to all this effort, I just want to sit on the couch with him and watch TV.

I just want to take a road trip with him and the kids to an amusement park and just have fun together. I don’t want everything to be a homework assignment.

But now, thanks to Kristen’s wisdom, we are committed to our own happiness first so that we can bring our happy selves to this relationship. When Kristen said, hey, Dave, we’re detaching, we’re unmarried, she knew that I wasn’t going to organically feel my way through a very gray situation. She knows that I need parameters. I need language. And I think she needed the language too.

So, Dave, have you gotten better at navigating those gray areas? Like, can you give me an example of what it’s been like for you to ease up on your project of having rules for everything in your life with Kristen?

I have. And here’s an example. This past Thanksgiving, Kristen decided, hey, we’re going to do a Friendsgiving with her closest friend, basically her sister, her ride or die, down in Texas. And I said, sure, we’ll do a Friendsgiving. But behind it, what I’m thinking is, well, wait, Thanksgiving is a very specific set of events that happen, and now we’re changing that. Is this even going to be a Thanksgiving, or is it going to be just a complete nebulous, undefined, scary-fest for three or four days? It wasn’t even defined how long we would be there.

That’s tough for you.

It is tough for me. And the first impulse that comes into my mind is, all right, we need some parameters on this. I need to understand how do they prepare their turkey. Is it brined? Is it deep fried? This is Texas. It’s Dallas, so is it going to be barbecued somehow under the ground with some kind of seasoning on it? I don’t know how they do it.

So then I decide, all right, you see what you’re doing here, self. You could beat yourself up for the next three or four weeks and try to understand this and be miserable by the time you get in the car to go to Dallas, or you could set one rule. And that one rule is, there really are no rules. When we go down there, if you’re having fun, then things are going in the right direction.

Wow. Did your hack of the one rule is there’s no rules — did it work?

It did. And I knew it was working the next morning on the drive. Because normally, I insist on driving, always. And I actually let Kristen drive for a couple hours. And we all just had fun in the car. And I think if you’re on a family trip and you’re all having fun, by the time you reach your destination you’re still having fun and laughing, it’s going well.

That’s a miracle, yeah.

So after this 12, 13-hour drive, we pull into our friend’s driveway. And what I didn’t know is that things were just going to get even better. These are exceedingly decent people, which means that they do not tart up their Thanksgiving dinner. It was a turkey. It was perfect, everything you want in a turkey. Like, it was just a turkey.

The best thing was the moments when Kristen would come over with either a glass of wine or a cup of tea or whatever. Kristen would come over and just sit down next to me and lay into me like a blanket.

And I was like, all right, this is — I could do Friendsgiving, if that’s what this is. I could do this every year.

The whole thing, from start to finish, as much as I wasn’t sure about a Friendsgiving, I’m not sure I would do it any other way now.

Dave Finch, I truly feel like I took a master class in relationships and emotion and marriage. After all this, do you still stand by your list of best practices?

All of the best practices amounted to a surface clean to fix myself so that I would appear to be the world’s greatest partner. My bigger work, then, my deeper clean, is to be somebody who goes out and creates for himself a life that they can then share with that chosen partner. But I stand by it, and so does Kristen.

There were a couple of clunkers. Some of them were truly, admittedly —

We all got some clunkers.

Some of them were aspirational. The two that come to mind are the laundry thing, right? I still, to this day, root through the dryer for the one or two things I need and leave the rest —

Oh, I wish you hadn’t told me that. Oh, we’d come to such an understanding. [LAUGHS]

Oh, I’m so sorry, Anna.

You just hurt my heart, but OK.

I have my limitations, and that’s one of them. I’ll take it one step further. Since I am no longer somebody who pines for everyone to like him, I’ll admit this to you as well. Not only do I do that, I will root through the dirty clothes hamper to take out my dirty stuff and just wash that.

Because it makes it so much easier when it’s in the dryer for me to just take it out because I don’t have to sift through other people’s clothes. [LAUGHS]

All right, listeners, you can direct your hate mail to —

Kristen Finch.

“Modern Love” is produced by Julia Botero, Christina Djossa, Emily Lang, and Reva Goldberg. It’s edited by Mark Pagán, Jen Poyant, and Paula Szuchman. Our executive producer is Jen Poyant. This episode was mixed by Daniel Ramirez. Our show was recorded by Maddy Masiello. Fact-checking by Caitlin Love and Kelsey Kudak.

The “Modern Love” theme music is by Dan Powell. Original music by Dan Powell, Marion Lozano, Pat McCusker, and Diane Wong. Digital production by Mahima Chablani and Nell Gallogly. The Modern Love column is edited by Daniel Jones. Miya Lee is the editor of Modern Love projects. I’m Anna Martin. Thanks for listening.

If you like our show and want to stay updated with the latest episodes, subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. Also, you should definitely check out “The Run-Up.” It’s a weekly politics show here at “The New York Times.” And tomorrow, they’re releasing a special Valentine’s Day episode all about how political differences affect our dating lives. And guess what, I’m going to be a guest on that show, so you’ve got to tune in.

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  • February 14, 2024   •   28:39 Un-Marry Me!
  • December 6, 2023   •   29:18 I Married My Subway Crush
  • November 29, 2023   •   34:56 Our 34-Year Age Gap Didn’t Matter, Until It Did
  • November 22, 2023   •   25:22 Two Boys on Bikes, Falling in Love
  • November 15, 2023   •   30:43 He Cared About Me, So I Broke Up With Him
  • November 8, 2023   •   30:49 Did I Fail as a Parent?
  • November 1, 2023   •   20:53 My Sweaty Revenge
  • October 25, 2023   •   26:48 I Wrote This Essay, but Then Changed My Mind
  • October 18, 2023   •   27:04 What Does It Mean to Be a Kept Woman?
  • October 11, 2023   •   27:42 Don’t Hide in the Bathroom Stall
  • October 4, 2023   •   31:44 Have You Ever Kept a Secret From Your Wife?
  • August 2, 2023   •   25:03 I Needed David Schwimmer’s Help

Hosted by Anna Martin

Produced by Julia Botero ,  Christina Djossa ,  Reva Goldberg and Emily Lang

Edited by Mark Pagán ,  Paula Szuchman and Jen Poyant

Engineered by Daniel Ramirez

Original music by Dan Powell ,  Marion Lozano ,  Pat McCusker and Diane Wong

Listen and follow Modern Love Apple Podcasts | Spotify

I said, ‘we’re separating’ she said, ‘more like, detaching .’.

how do i get out of doing chores

We’re kicking off our new season this Valentine’s Day with a story from a Modern Love veteran.

David Finch has published three Modern Love essays about how hard he has worked to be a good husband to his beloved wife, Kristen. As a man with autism who married a neurotypical woman, he found it especially challenging to navigate being a partner and father. To make things easier, Dave kept a running list of “best practices” to cover every situation that might come up in daily life. His method worked so well that he became a best-selling author and speaker on the topic.

So when Kristen suddenly told him she wanted to be unmarried, he felt blindsided. He didn’t know what that meant, or if he could do it. But Dave wasn’t going to lose Kristen, so he had to give it a try.

Links to transcripts of episodes generally appear on these pages within a week.

Modern Love is hosted by Anna Martin and produced by Julia Botero, Christina Djossa, Reva Goldberg and Emily Lang. The show is edited by Paula Szuchman, Mark Pagán and Jen Poyant, our executive producer. The show is mixed by Daniel Ramirez and recorded by Maddy Masiello. It features original music by Dan Powell, Marion Lozano, Pat McCusker and Diane Wong. Our theme music is by Dan Powell. Fact-checking by Caitlin Love and Kelsey Kudak.

Special thanks to Daniel Jones, Miya Lee, Mahima Chablani, Nell Gallogly, Jeffrey Miranda, Renan Borelli, Nina Lassam and Julia Simon.

Thoughts? Email us at [email protected] . Want more from Modern Love ? Read past stories . Watch the TV series and sign up for the newsletter . We also have swag at the NYT Store and two books, “ Modern Love: True Stories of Love, Loss, and Redemption ” and “ Tiny Love Stories: True Tales of Love in 100 Words or Less .”

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