Homework Help for Reluctant Children

  • Posted October 15, 2018
  • By Heather Miller

mother and two daughters doing homework at kitchen table

It’s hard to fault the child who resists doing homework. After all, she has already put in a long day at school, probably been involved in afterschool activities, and, as the late afternoon spills into evening, now faces a pile of assignments. Parents feel it, too — it’s no one’s favorite time of day.

But despite its bad rap, homework plays an important role in ensuring that students can execute tasks independently. When it’s thoughtfully assigned, homework provides deeper engagement with material introduced in class. And even when it’s “just” worksheets, homework can build the automatic habits and the basic skills required to tackle more interesting endeavors. Finally, homework is a nightly test of grit. Adult life brings its share of tasks that are both compulsory and unenjoyable. Developing the discipline to fulfill our responsibilities, regardless of whether they thrill us, begins in middle childhood.

So how to help the avoidant child embrace the challenge, rather than resist it?

The first step, especially with kids 13 and under, is to have them do their homework at a communal space, like a dining room or kitchen table. If other children are in the home, they can all do their homework at the same table, and the parent can sit nearby to support the work effort. This alleviates some of the loneliness a reluctant child might associate with assignments. The alternative — doing homework at a bedroom desk — can result in the child guiltily avoiding the work for as long as possible. Like all forms of procrastination, this has the effect of making the entire process take much longer than it needs to.  

When parents turn the homework ritual into a series of conversations about what needs to be done, how, and for how long, children feel less “alone” with their nightly work, they relish the company and support of their parent, and they work better and more efficiently.

Many parents are under the impression that they shouldn’t have anything to do with their children's homework. This comes from schools emphasizing that homework is a child's responsibility, not the parents'. While it is absolutely true that parents should not do their children's homework, there is a role for parents — one that's perhaps best described as “homework project manager.” Parents can be monitoring, organizing, motivating, and praising the homework effort as it gets done. And yes, that means sitting with your child to help them stay focused and on task. Your presence sends the message that homework is important business, not to be taken lightly.

Once you’re sitting down with your child, ask him to unload his school bag and talk you through his various assignments. Maybe he has a school planner with all his homework listed, or a printout from school, or perhaps his work is listed on the classroom website. Many children attend an afterschool program where, in theory, they are doing homework. They’ll often claim that they’ve done all their homework, even though they’ve only done some. Together, make a quick and easy “Done/To Do” list. Writing down what she has finished will give her a sense of satisfaction. Identifying what she still needs to do will help her to focus on the remaining assignments. Over time, this practice will help your child build an understanding that large tasks are completed incrementally.

Next, ask your child to put the assignments in the order he’d like to do them. Encourage him to explain his thinking. Doing this helps a child feel in control of the evening’s tasks and prompts him to reflect on his work style. Discuss the first task of the night together. Ask your child to think about the supplies he is likely to need, and ensure they’re at the ready. This “pre-work” work helps a child think through a task, understand it, and prepare to execute it with gusto.

Last but not least, introduce a timer to the evening’s proceedings. Challenge your child to estimate how long the first assignment will take. Then ask, “Do you want me to set the timer for the full amount of time you think you’ll need, or a smaller amount?” Then, set the timer with the understanding that the child must work without interruption until the timer goes off. Even questions are verboten while the timer runs. The goal here is to enable the child to solve problems independently, through concentration. This not only builds concentration powers, it builds creativity, critical thinking, resilience, and resourcefulness. In my experience, the theatricality of being timed helps relax children who would otherwise feel daunted by a mountain of homework.

As each piece of work gets done, parents can add meaningful positive reinforcement. Exclaiming, “Another assignment done! And done well!” helps your child feel like what they are doing matters.

By turning the homework ritual into a series of conversations about what needs to be done, how, and for how long, children feel less “alone” with their nightly work, they relish the company and support of their parent, and they complete the work much more efficiently and at a higher standard than they might otherwise.

Helping the Homework Resisters

  • Have children do their work at a communal table. Stay nearby, to alleviate the loneliness that some kids feel — and to prevent procrastination.
  • Ask your child to unload her backpack and talk through assignments.
  • Help your child make a "Done/To Do" list.
  • Ask your child to put the assignments in the order he’d like to do them. Encourage him to explain his thinking — fostering a sense of control.
  • Use a timer. Challenge your child to estimate how long an assignment will take, and ask if she wants to set the timer for that full amount of time, or less. 
  • Your role: To monitor, organize, motivate, and praise the homework effort as each piece is done. 

Additional Resource

  • More about Heather Miller's work to help parents create healthy routines on weeknights

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Am I Supposed to Be More Involved in My Child’s Education?

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. In addition to our traditional advice, every Thursday we feature an assortment of teachers from across the country answering your education questions. Have a question for our teachers? Email [email protected] or post it in the  Slate Parenting Facebook group .

I have been wondering this since the early days of Zoom kindergarten (when our oldest started school). How much involvement do teachers want from parents at home? We’re not delinquent parents, but we are pretty hands-off when it comes to school. We engage our kid in activities, he excels in math, we read to all the kids daily (and have since infancy), but we don’t make sure he’s doing assignments or sit down by his side to walk him through a homework sheet. (Obviously if has a question we help him!)

I just remember my parents being very hands-off throughout my entire education, like they looked at my report card and that was the extent of it (granted I usually brought home A’s and didn’t give them trouble) but they never asked me what my homework was and sat me down to do it. I guess my question is, how hands-off is too hands-off?

Obviously no one likes a helicopter parent, but there’s probably a big gray area and I don’t know where I should fall in there. I don’t want to neglect their schooling but also isn’t the point of school to learn to do things yourself? When I see how friends help their kids with schoolwork and organization it makes me feel like I’m neglecting my kids. One time this year the teacher sent a message saying our son wasn’t completing phonics worksheets in school and she was sending them home with him, and we made sure he completed them, but that’s been about it. Thanks!!

—Too Hands-Off?

I don’t think there is any right or wrong answer here. I believe if your involvement is working for your child and your family then I wouldn’t change a thing. To say parental involvement is a grey area is an understatement. As a second-grade teacher, I’ve had parents request to basically serve as a teaching assistant, and parents with whom I interact 2-3 times a year. Every family’s philosophy here is different and most teachers are usually happy to meet you where you are.

If your child is happy, performing well academically, and has no behavioral issues, I see no point in fixing what isn’t broken. That is, unless the teacher requests some additional help with special projects like classroom parties or events. The truth is that managing parental expectations can become almost as difficult as managing student needs. Personally, I have always appreciated parents who are supportive but distant. Meaning, they’re available to help when needed, but also give their children the space needed to develop a strong sense of academic independence.

—Mr. Hersey (elementary school teacher, Washington)

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Our son is 15 and a high school freshman. He is very quiet (always has been), a good but reluctant student, and a nice kid with a good sense of humor. He also sees a therapist and is on medication for anxiety. Sometimes I think one of his goals is to get through each day with no attention being drawn to him.

He had a tough time schooling from home for the end of seventh grade and about half of eighth grade. He went back into school in March 2021 as soon as in-person was an option. I think he missed some key elements of middle school—learning to juggle different classes and teachers, for example. His transition to high school has been a bit bumpy but for the most part he is handling things well. However, he is very reluctant to speak up for himself. Every week or so, I sit down with him to look at the electronic gradebook which shows all of the tests, quizzes, assignments, etc. that have been graded for each of his classes. We started doing this with him in middle school because he had difficulty handing things in electronically and had many assignments marked as missing that he thought he had completed and handed in.

This year missing assignments have been less of an issue but haven’t completely disappeared. Last night, we discovered a missing biology assignment that he said he handed in. (Unlike most of his work, this was an assignment that was actually done on paper so there was no way for us to resubmit it electronically). He didn’t want to talk to his teacher about it—he hates having to assert himself in this way. So we suggested that he write the teacher an email, which he also was reluctant to do. He can’t articulate why he dreads this. Eventually, we helped him come up with the language for the email and he sent it.

My question: How do we help him feel more comfortable speaking up for himself? We are trying to let him handle more on his own but I’m wondering if there are any ways we can help him build up his confidence. When I went to parent-teacher conferences in the fall, most of his teachers seemed to have a good grasp of who he is and appreciated his quiet manner and attentiveness in class. Do most high school teachers try to track down missing assignments? Our son seems completely shocked whenever we find one listed.

—Soft Spoken

Dear Soft Spoken,

I think the only way for your son to become more comfortable asserting himself is to have more experience doing so. I’m glad that you had him send the email himself, with your support. I think that is a step in the right direction. You might also try role-playing with him, where he practices what he will say to his teacher. I suspect that his fear of speaking to his teacher is related to his anxiety, so it would be good for him to discuss this with his therapist as well.

I will also say that some of this trepidation may improve as he matures. Many students who lack the confidence to advocate for themselves in ninth grade are able to speak with a teacher independently by senior year.

In my experience, most teachers make a good faith effort to collect missing assignments from students. However, that depends on how busy and stressed out they are. Give how difficult things have been for the past two years, our stress levels are through the roof. And while I certainly hope that your son’s teachers will follow up with him when he’s missing something, advocating for himself is an important life skill that will serve him beyond high school.

I wish your son good luck!

—Ms. Holbrook (high school teacher, Texas)

I’m looking for book suggestions for my 13-year-old son—a VERY reluctant reader with some reading comprehension issues. The last book we read together (it works best for us if we take turns reading) was Ender’s Game , and before that Adventures of Zorro . He can handle fairly adult subject matter and doesn’t like things “dumbed down.” The only caveat is that it cannot be an advanced reading level. Some things he likes are fantasy like Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit and military history—ancient Romans, Ottoman Empire, Samurai, etc., as well as Star Wars , but we are open to all suggestions!

—Raising a Reluctant Reader

If he liked Ender’s Game, Orson Scott Card has of course published a bunch of other books. I don’t buy them new because I like to vote with my feet , but I’ll occasionally pick them up in thrift stores.

How about Isaac Asimov’s books? They’re generally interesting to high school kids but written at a reasonable level for middle school. His whole Foundation series might catch your son’s attention. Same goes for many Ursula K. Le Guin novels, such as Wizard of Earthsea or the Annals of the Western Shore trilogy. He’d probably enjoy Starship Troopers by Robert A. Heinlein. It has a pro-military tone typical of the publication era, which could catalyze some interesting discussions. Or what about Shogun by James Clavell? Ken Liu has a series called the Dandelion Dynasty and a book of short stories titled The Paper Menagerie . Come to think of it, short stories are often less intimidating to reluctant readers.

The other thing you might consider is classics like The Count of Monte Cristo —wait, hear me out. That book is enormous and can be cumbersome for even enthusiastic readers, but what if you read the graphic novel or watched the movie first? I’ve found that when I give a synopsis or show a movie version to my students (which I do with Romeo and Juliet , for example), they are much more able to digest the text.

Lastly, I don’t know if you guys have abandoned any books, but I’m a big proponent of doing that. It’s good practice in general but especially for reluctant readers. Avoid slogging. Give a book 40-50 pages, and then if he’s not on board, ask him if he wants to ditch it and try something else.

Regardless, you’re doing a great thing for your son by being invested in his reading—keep it up.

—Ms. Scott (high school teacher, North Carolina)

I have a son who is 11 (so theoretically sixth grade), who is accelerated a minimum of two years in each subject and therefore is counted as an eighth grader. However, he has missed…a lot of school due to illness. A minimum of 7 days in quarters 1-3, and now four weeks into Q4 he’s not attended 13 days of school. These are clearly defined illnesses (active Omicron and associated quarantine counted for 9 days for instance, local stomach bug for two or three days, allergies so bad to need a day off), and the school has been great about sending work home and he’s generally been great about doing it. His grades have suffered a little, but on the level of an A to a B+ in most cases.

Given all of this, how much would you worry? The school is very flexible and has no concerns so far, and is assuming he will be in a ninth grade curriculum for most subjects next year, but 30 days is a lot of school to miss, even if about half of that has been made up with some form of virtual instruction.

A secondary question: He tends to fly through his makeup work and gets far lower marks (C+) compared to anything he’s in class for (A). Any advice on getting him to slow down on his makeup work? We don’t care about the grades. We do care about him learning the material and not missing instruction if possible.

—Slow Down?

Dear Slow Down,

I would not worry about the missed days if he is learning the content and mastering the skills required to advance. It’s not ideal to miss school, of course, but at your son’s age, a great deal of learning can be done independently. The real loss is likely in his opportunity to collaborate with peers, negotiate friendships, resolve conflict, and manage his relationships with teachers, coaches, etc. These are the skills that make in-person school so very important, even when a student is capable of mastering much of the content independently. But these skills can also be practiced in activities outside of school, through things like sports, drama, summer camp, arts classes, Scouting, and the like.

If your son’s teachers feel confident about his academic progress, you can, too.

As for the independent vs. in-person learning, it’s likely that not having peers to whom he can compare the quality and quantity of his work is impacting him negatively. When students work in isolation, their understanding of excellence is often entirely dependent upon their own opinion and judgment. In class, however, kids can eyeball the work of others, ask questions of their peers, and compare their efforts to those around them. Maybe your son could find a way on those at-home learning days to connect with a peer in school to compare work, or you could ask teachers to provide examples of excellence to which your son can compare. This may help.

—Mr. Dicks (fifth grade teacher, Connecticut)

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I feel like I am in crisis. I have three wonderful, adorable young children. For years, I have been unsatisfied in my marriage for very typical reasons. My husband and I have no physical and little emotional intimacy, though we do have a low-conflict household. I carry the bulk of the labor in our household concerning all domestic and child care responsibilities, despite the fact that I work full time at a stressful career. My husband is impatient with the kids and does not seem to like being around them. I can’t help but feel I’d be happier divorced.  What should I do?

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Help Your Child Get Organized

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Most kids generate a little chaos and disorganization. Yours might flit from one thing to the next — forgetting books at school, leaving towels on the floor, and failing to finish projects once started.

You'd like them to be more organized and to stay focused on tasks, such as homework . Is it possible?

Yes! A few kids seem naturally organized, but for the rest, organization is a skill learned over time. With help and some practice, kids can develop an effective approach to getting stuff done.

And you're the perfect person to teach your child, even if you don't feel all that organized yourself!

Easy as 1-2-3

For kids, all tasks can be broken down into a 1-2-3 process.

Getting organized means a kid gets where he or she needs to be and gathers the supplies needed to complete the task.

Staying focused means sticking with the task and learning to say "no" to distractions.

Getting it done means finishing up, checking your work, and putting on the finishing touches, like remembering to put a homework paper in the right folder and putting the folder inside the backpack so it's ready for the next day.

Once kids know these steps — and how to apply them — they can start tackling tasks more independently. That means homework, chores, and other tasks will get done with increasing consistency and efficiency. Of course, kids will still need parental help and guidance, but you probably won't have to nag as much.

Not only is it practical to teach these skills, but knowing how to get stuff done will help your child feel more competent and effective. Kids feel self-confident and proud when they're able to accomplish their tasks and responsibilities. They're also sure to be pleased when they find they have some extra free time to do what they'd like to do.

From Teeth Brushing to Book Reports

To get started, introduce the 1-2-3 method and help your child practice it in daily life. Even something as simple as brushing teeth requires this approach, so you might use this example when introducing the concept:

  • Getting organized: Go to the bathroom and get out your toothbrush and toothpaste. Turn on the water.
  • Staying focused: Dentists say to brush for 3 minutes, so that means keep brushing, even if you hear a really good song on the radio or you remember that you wanted to call your friend. Concentrate and remember what the dentist told you about brushing away from your gums.
  • Getting it done: If you do steps 1 and 2, step 3 almost takes care of itself. Hurray, your 3 minutes are up and your teeth are clean! Getting it done means finishing up and putting on the finishing touches. With teeth brushing, that would be stuff like turning off the water, putting away the toothbrush and paste, and making sure there's no toothpaste foam on your face!

With a more complex task, like completing a book report, the steps would become more involved, but the basic elements remain the same.

Here's how you might walk your child through the steps:

1. Getting Organized

Explain that this step is all about getting ready . It's about figuring out what kids need to do and gathering any necessary items. For instance: "So you have a book report to write. What do you need to do to get started?" Help your child make a list of things like: Choose a book. Make sure the book is OK with the teacher. Write down the book and the author's name. Check the book out of the library. Mark the due date on a calendar.

Then help your child think of the supplies needed: The book, some note cards, a pen for taking notes, the teacher's list of questions to answer, and a report cover. Have your child gather the supplies where the work will take place.

As the project progresses, show your child how to use the list to check off what's already done and get ready for what's next. Demonstrate how to add to the list, too. Coach your child to think, "OK, I did these things. Now, what's next? Oh yeah, start reading the book" and to add things to the list like finish the book, read over my teacher's directions, start writing the report.

2. Staying Focused

Explain that this part is about doing it and sticking with the job. Tell kids this means doing what you're supposed to do, following what's on the list, and sticking with it.

It also means focusing when there's something else your child would rather be doing — the hardest part of all! Help kids learn how to handle and resist these inevitable temptations. While working on the report, a competing idea might pop into your child's head: "I feel like shooting some hoops now." Teach kids to challenge that impulse by asking themselves "Is that what I'm supposed to be doing?"

Explain that a tiny break to stretch a little and then get right back to the task at hand is OK. Then kids can make a plan to shoot hoops after the work is done. Let them know that staying focused is tough sometimes, but it gets easier with practice.

3. Getting it Done

Explain that this is the part when kids will be finishing up the job. Talk about things like copying work neatly and asking a parent to read it over to help find any mistakes.

Coach your child to take those important final steps: putting his or her name on the report, placing it in a report cover, putting the report in the correct school folder, and putting the folder in the backpack so it's ready to be turned in.

How to Start

Here are some tips on how to begin teaching the 1-2-3 process:

Introduce the Idea

Start the conversation by using the examples above and show your child the kids' article Organize, Focus, Get It Done . Read it together and ask for reactions. Will it be easy or hard? Is he or she already doing some of it? Is there something he or she would like to get better at?

Brainstorm about what might be easier or better if your child was more organized and focused. Maybe homework would get done faster, there would be more play time, and there would be less nagging about chores. Then there's the added bonus of your child feeling proud and you being proud, too.

Set Expectations

Be clear, in a kind way, that you expect your kids to work on these skills and that you'll be there to help along the way.

Make a Plan

Decide on one thing to focus on first. You can come up with three things and let your child choose one. Or if homework or a particular chore has been a problem, that's the natural place to begin.

Get Comfortable in Your Role

For the best results, you'll want to be a low-key coach. You can ask questions that will help kids get on track and stay there. But use these questions to prompt their thought process about what needs to be done. Praise progress, but don't go overboard. The self-satisfaction kids will feel will be a more powerful motivator. Also, be sure to ask your child's opinion of how things are going so far.

Start Thinking in Questions

Though you might not realize it, every time you take on a task, you ask yourself questions and then answer them with thoughts and actions. If you want to unload groceries from the car, you ask yourself:

  • Q: Did I get them all out of the trunk? A: No. I'll go get the rest.
  • Q: Did I close the trunk? A: Yes.
  • Q: Where's the milk and ice cream? I need to put them away first. A: Done. Now, what's next?

Encourage kids to start seeing tasks as a series of questions and answers. Suggest that they ask these questions out loud and then answer them. These questions are the ones you hope will eventually live inside a child's head. And with practice, they'll learn to ask them without being prompted.

Work together to come up with questions that need to be asked so the chosen task can be completed. You might even jot them down on index cards. Start by asking the questions and having your child answer. Later, transfer responsibility for the questions from you to your child.

Things to Remember

It will take time to teach kids how to break down tasks into steps. It also will take time for them to learn how to apply these skills to what needs to be done. Sometimes, it will seem simpler just to do it for them. It certainly would take less time.

But the trouble is that kids don't learn how to be independent and successful if their parents swoop in every time a situation is challenging or complex.

Here's why it's worth your time and effort:

  • Kids learn new skills that they'll need — how to pour a bowl of cereal, tie shoes, match clothes, complete a homework assignment.
  • They'll develop a sense of independence. Kids who dress themselves at age 4 feel like big kids. It's a good feeling that will deepen over time as they learn to do even more without help. From these good feelings, kids begin to form a belief about themselves — "I can do it."
  • Your firm but kind expectations that your kids should start tackling certain jobs on their own send a strong message. You reinforce their independence and encourage them to accept a certain level of responsibility. Kids learn that others will set expectations and that they can meet them.
  • This kind of teaching can be a very loving gesture. You're taking the time to show your kids how to do something — with interest, patience, love, kindness, and their best interests at heart. This will make kids feel cared for and loved. Think of it as filling up a child's toolbox with crucial life tools.

Mary C. Lamia Ph.D.

Homework Emotions in Children and Parents

Negative emotions can help get homework done..

Posted December 23, 2015

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Most kids and their parents hate homework, or at best don’t see the point of it. Teachers are not that fond of homework either, but they are expected to assign it. I will not be reviewing the merits and disadvantages of extended learning—what homework is supposed to be—since this has been done for decades. Let’s assume, for the time being, homework is here to stay regardless of the fact that many children and parents believe it makes their lives miserable. Since homework assignments can activate negative emotions, let’s take a look at how to effectively use those feelings to get it done.

A homework assignment can be a stimulus for any number of emotions. Erroneously, many children, parents, teachers, and even psychological researchers believe that children should be interested in doing their homework or enjoy doing it. However, in most cases, that’s just not going to happen. This belief is rooted in the notion that only positive emotions such as interest, excitement, or enjoyment are what motivate us. Granted, positive emotions are motivating because that’s their purpose, just as it is with negative emotions or neutral ones. In fact, at the core of our motivational system is emotion . Through their creation of bodily feelings, core emotions motivate us by directing our attention and giving us information about what’s going on. Thoughts and images (cognitions) that arise at the same time, make more specific the information provided by emotion.

Yet how many kids have a motivational system that will trigger the emotion of excitement in response to a stimulus consisting of 2 pages of math problems? I predict the numbers will be low. Perhaps there are some children who learn for love: they are interested in doing their homework because they desire approval from a teacher, or because they want to please them. And how many parents consider their role of helping their child with 2 pages of math problems to be an interesting job or anticipate with excitement reminding their child to do it? Few, if any. Nevertheless, some researchers suggest that a parent should maintain positive emotions in the homework context to counter the child’s negative response, since children are supposed to enjoy homework as well. Essentially, they are suggesting a parent should fib, as well as negate what the child feels, since it is likely most parents are not so positive about homework and how their kids are feeling about it. Why would anyone want to teach a child that it’s okay to lie or dismiss how a child feels? Let’s consider an alternative strategy that may be more in alignment with human motivation ; essentially, helping a child effectively use the motivation provided by his negative emotions to get his homework done.

Most often, what motivates a child to do his or her homework (or a parent to oversee it) are negative emotions. Negative emotions, like distress, fear , anger , disgust, and shame , will motivate a child to do something to avoid them, or urge a child to do something that will relieve their effects.[1] This does not imply that a child should ever be threatened by a parent or teacher with a behavior that activates negative emotion. It’s punishment enough for a child who experiences negative emotion in response to pages of math problems, be it anger, disgust, fear, or the anticipation of shame. Parents who recognize how to help the child make use of negative emotion can provide their child a lifelong gift: understanding human motivation.

So here is my point: Essentially, all humans are motivated by a desire to turn on emotions that are positive or to turn off the negative ones. A child may not be interested in or excited about doing homework, regardless of your efficacy as a cheerleader. And you don’t have to offer rewards as incentives, which can lead a child to expect that he or she should only do something for an external reward. And they don’t really understand the concept of intrinsic rewards in 3rd grade. But they do understand the notion of relief. The reason to get homework done, from the perspective of negative emotions, is to feel better. Relief from an emotion that is negative does feel better and it represents a primary reason why humans take care of many tasks in their lives. There is also another important component to this process. That is, the child should have a choice about timing and be helped to maintain that commitment. She may prefer to seek immediate relief by getting the work done as soon as possible so that it is off her mind and she can play. Or she may prefer to specify a later time when it will be done and engage in other activities until that deadline appears. Either way, the focus is on being effective and efficient, doing one’s best work, and relieving the negative emotion either now or later. Like adults and their tasks, children develop such preferences and you may even want to help them experiment with each way, without imposing your own style of getting things done.

Unfortunately, instead, researchers emphasize that negative emotions, especially on the part of a parent, will undermine a child’s motivation.[2] [3] Granted, I completely agree about the importance of a parent keeping their interactions with their children fun and loving around homework.[4] However, fun and loving does not involve lying and pretending to be positive about homework when you’re not, including feigning how exciting and interesting it is. Besides, some amusing moments with a child can occur when together you can laugh about something evoking a negative emotion, such as disgust. Yuck! Homework is disgusting! As well it can make you feel angry, distressed, and afraid that you'll experience shame if it isn't done well. Thus, a positive fun and loving relationship between parent and child can happen around seeking relief from homework emotions that are negative, and learning at the same time how to effectively use the emotions that evolved to motivate us.

[1] Tomkins, S. Affect imagery consciousness (1962/2008), New York, NY: Springer.

[2] Pomerantz, E.; Wang, Q.; & Fei-Yin Ng, F. (2005), cited above.

[3] Hokoda, A., & Fincham, F. D. (1995). Origins of children’s helpless and mastery achievement patterns in the family. Journal of Educational Psychology, 87, 375–385.

[4] Pomerantz, E.; Wang, Q.; & Fei-Yin Ng, F. (2005), cited above.

(For information about my books, please visit my website, www.marylamia.com )

Mary C. Lamia Ph.D.

Mary C. Lamia , Ph.D. , is a clinical psychologist in Marin County, California.

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my son needs help with his homework

For families of Children's Minnesota

Refuses to do homework, related behaviors, what to do:.

Self-Talk. Say to yourself, "I wish my child wanted to do his homework. But I can be calm when he fights doing it. It's his job to do it and mine to encourage his learning how."

Empathy. Tell yourself, "I need to know what my child is thinking and feeling to help him be motivated to do his homework. When I put myself in his shoes, I'll be able to help him better. Sometimes I don't want to do work around the house or on my job, and I always have to figure out why before I can be motivated to do it."

Teach. Tell yourself, "I can help my child learn the SOCS method of problem-solving to help him understand the (S)situation, the (O)options he has for solving the problem, the (C)consequences of choosing each of those options and the (S)best solution. This is a good problem-solving strategy for children to use when they can understand the meaning of these words-situation, options, consequences and solution-- that will be useful throughout their lives.

Make a Daily Routine. Routines are valuable tools that help us all stay organized, so we can get done all the things we need to do. Routines also help to motivate us to get our work done in a focused way. A homework routine, for example, could be: Right after dinner is now a quiet time. All homework will be done during that time. If a child believably claims not to have homework, he can read during quiet time because it is a time when all family members are reading or working on a project.

Make Rules. A simple rule could be: TV and all electronic devices will be off during homework. To enforce the rule, make sure all portable devices are off and are put in a place away from the homework site. A chore rule could be: All chores will be done and inspected before devices can be used or the child can have playtime.

Use SOCS to Support Your Child's Problem-Solving. When your child won't do his homework, talk with him about what he's feeling. Is he upset about something going on in the class? Does he not understand the assignment? Is he worried that his teacher and you expect him to never make a mistake? When you know what the situation is-what your child is thinking and feeling-you can help him understand the options he has for solving the problem, the consequences of choosing each of those options and the best solution. This SOCS method: Situation, Options, Consequences and Solution is a caring, supportive way to build a problem-solving partnership with your child that helps him learn how to be resilient and that he can cope with a problem by thinking it through logically to come up with a solution that works for him.

Check Homework Assignments. As a "family manager", your task is to know what your child's job is, and in this case it's homework. When you know the assignments, you will know whether they have been completed. In addition, you can judge the quality of the homework that has been done. If your child says he has no homework, it's possible to check the school website. Most schools now post homework for each class in each grade. You are not responsible for doing the homework or even knowing what the homework is. But it is important for your child to know that you care and want to know-just as you would share a work project of your own.

Involve Your Child in the Plan. If your child is doing poorly because of incomplete homework assignments, poorly done work, failure to turn in the assignments on time, or any of the other issues that you know are resulting in grades that are below your child's ability, ask him what he plans to do about the problems. If he says, "I'll try harder," don't accept that as an answer. Instead ask, "What's your plan?" and help him pull together a detailed plan to correct the problem: Do all homework immediately after school. Parent checks it. Put it in notebook which goes in the backpack. Turn it in immediately in class. I'll correct my mistakes as soon as I get them." Now, that's a plan. Again, make this your child's plan, not yours. He is responsible for the plan and the work. Here is an example. Ask your child for his ideas!

Check Chore Completion. Most assigned chores have visible proof of completion. Empty wastebaskets are evidence that the trash chore has been done. A made bed shows that making a bed each morning was done. Fun activities are allowed when all chores are done satisfactorily.

Make a Chore Calendar. In order to ensure that children know their chore assignments, a calendar with chores listed could be posted. Monday: Empty Dishwasher, Tuesday: Empty wastebaskets, Wednesday: Vacuum the family room floor, etc. Each child will then check off the chore on that date when completed.

Use Grandma's Rule. You may have noted that in each case we've cited, the child can have his privileges only after work is done, which is the essence of Grandma's Rule. The when-then contract simply states, "when you have done what you are required to do, then you may do what you want to do." You manage your child's access to all of his privileges, such as electronic devices or play activities.

What not to do:

Don't Nag, Beg, Threaten. These won't teach your child how to get work done when it needs to be done.

Don't Punish for Incomplete Homework or Chores. Grounding and other punishments when things aren't done won't teach your child how to get things done. Punishment encourages lying to avoid the punisher-not what you want to teach.

Don't Take on His Responsibility. If you take the responsibility of getting your child's work done, he will never learn to do it himself. Sitting with him to help him finish his homework won't teach him how to take that responsibility. Doing incomplete chores because it's easier than getting him to do them won't help him learn to be responsible.

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The authors and Raised with Love and Limits Foundation disclaim responsibility for any harmful consequences, loss, injury or damage associated with the use and application of information or advice contained in these prescriptions and on this website. These protocols are clinical guidelines that must be used in conjunction with critical thinking and critical judgment.

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7 Warning Signs Your Child Is Struggling in School

Zigy Kaluzny/Getty Images

Something isn't right; lately your child seems less than enthusiastic about school. They appear withdrawn and have started complaining about an upset stomach every Sunday evening. But are they struggling in school or could it be something else?

The key to getting to the root of the issue is open communication and knowing how to identify school struggles early. The longer it takes for a student to get the help they need, especially if it is school-related, the more lost they become. After all, school learning continues forward even if your child is lagging behind, which only makes the problem worse.

Unfortunately, children and teens aren't always forthcoming about their struggles or school performance, especially if they are embarrassed or they feel anxious . It is essential that you know how to recognize the signs that your child is struggling, so you can intervene. The earlier you do, the better it is for your child, especially if you can help them before their struggles become a pattern.

Why Kids Sometimes Struggle

There are a number of different issues that can cause a child to struggle in school, including social challenges, academic issues, or even unrecognized physical, learning, or mental health problems, says Hailey Shafir, LCMHCS, LCAS, CCS , a mental health and addiction specialist with Keep Counsel in Raleigh, North Carolina.

" Bullying and peer relationships are a more common source of school problems in tweens and teens, but learning disorders , mental, or physical health issues can affect kids of all ages," Shafir says. "If the behavioral or academic problems are new, the cause may be related to a change in circumstances, including problems at home, a traumatic event, or something upsetting that happened with a teacher or another student."

Common Causes for Academic Struggles

Shafir says that many issues, both in school and out, can result in difficulty at school. These might include learning or developmental disorders or mental health conditions like anxiety, social anxiety, or depression. Kids who are ill, who have difficulty sleeping, or who are experiencing stress or trauma at home may all struggle academically.

At school, kids who feel targeted by a teacher or have a poor relationship with a teacher, or who are experiencing bullying or problems with peer relationships, may have difficulty keeping up with lessons or understanding the material.

Signs Your Child May Be Struggling

When kids struggle in school, the stress and anxiety of the situation typically follows them home. You may notice changes in behavior as well as physical complaints. They may even refuse to go to school. Or, they may spend hours on homework only to give up in frustration and neglect to turn in assignments or do the required reading.

It is also not uncommon for kids to become withdrawn, less talkative, or not as vivacious as they used to be, says Lydia A. Antonatos , LMHC, a licensed mental health counselor in Florida. You may also notice that they are not seeking out activities they used to enjoy or they are spending too much time on the phone or playing video games, she says. While every child is different, there are some red flags that can indicate that a kid needs help.

Refuses to Discuss School

When your child suddenly doesn't want to tell you about what they are learning in school or how their school day went, it can be a signal that something is not right at school. This is especially true if they were usually open and chatty in the past.

While it is important to respect your child's personal boundaries and not force them to talk about things before they are ready, you also do not want to ignore this warning sign. Try to get involved in your child's day-to-day school life in ways that do not require them to answer specific questions. For instance, Antonatos encourages parents to set time aside on a daily basis to check in.

"Look over their school assignments or any forms that need to be signed, help with homework and so on," she says. "This keeps you in the loop and allows you to get some idea as to how your child is performing or interacting in school and can help you detect any issues that may arise so you can intervene early on."

Experiences a Change in Attitude About School

If your child previously had a positive attitude about school, but has become distant or angry about school, you can bet they do not like how things are going. Either they are struggling with their studies, having relational issues, or both. 

Another big attitude shift to watch for is boredom . Often kids will complain they are bored when they don't understand what is going on at school.

When your child says they are bored, it is important to look a little deeper to find the cause. It may be that they already know the material being taught in a particular unit—but they also may not know how to articulate that they are confused or lost.

"Children who internalize also might shut down, withdraw, and isolate themselves," Shafir says. "Parents may notice they’re spending less time with friends, have less interest in doing activities they enjoy, or suddenly want to drop out of a sport or other activity they’ve done for years."

Displays Physical Symptoms

Whether your child is having issues sleeping, experiencing changes in eating patterns, or is complaining of pain, they could be struggling in school. For instance, problems sleeping or eating often result from worry, especially if they know they aren't keeping up with the class on their school work.

"It’s more common for younger children to report physical symptoms when they are experiencing stress or anxiety," says Shafir. "They may complain of headaches or stomachaches, or describe that they feel sick. Little kids often don’t have the language or understanding of emotions or how to describe them, which is why they often describe symptoms in their body."

Young children also want to please the adults in their lives and may worry that, if they aren't doing well in school, these adults will be upset with them. Older children and teens may be well aware of the overall importance of school to their futures and concerned about their future success if they start to fall behind. Both scenarios can lead to physical complaints.

Spends Excessive Time on Homework

If your child is falling into a pattern of having little to no free time outside of school because they are spending all their time on homework, this could be a sign of an issue. A child should be spending roughly 10 minutes per grade level on homework each school night (so 20 minutes in second grade , 30 minutes in third grade , and so on).

But homework policies vary tremendously among teachers and schools. It is important to realize that some teachers give out more homework and some give out far less. So be familiar with the teachers' homework policies.

If your fifth grader has a teacher who believes in giving no more than 15 minutes worth of homework each night, and your child is spending 50 minutes, then they are struggling to get the work done, even though they are technically aligned with the 10-minutes-per-grade-level rule.

Likewise, if your high school student spends an hour each night working on homework for a dual credit math course, they may be in line with the teachers' policies. If you are familiar with the teacher's homework policy, you can take steps to help your child if they start to struggle.

Receives Poor Reports From Teacher

Sometimes it is easy to dismiss what a teacher says about your child, especially if what they are telling you is different than what you believe to be true about your child. But remember, your child's teacher is teaching a classroom full of students the same material.

If your child's teacher believes that your child is struggling more than other students, pay attention. Letting you know about a change in your child's academic progress is the teacher's way of giving you the chance to address any problems.

Teachers usually have some suggestions in mind about what they think might help, too.

If the teacher doesn't volunteer suggestions, they may be waiting for you to ask what help is available. Of course, this is a dialogue, so you have some input on how to address your child's struggles.

The teacher's thoughts and ideas combined with everything else you know about your child will give you some direction. Develop a plan of action that incorporates the teacher's suggestions along with things that you know have worked in the past with your child.

"Whatever a child is struggling with, there are usually resources that can help," Antonatos says. "The school may be able to coordinate having your child tested via different types of assessments and evaluations that can help detect or rule out academic or psychological deficiencies. In addition, schools often have tutoring programs and guidance counselors that can help your child."

Misbehaves at School

Sometimes misbehavior at school is really your child's way of trying to take attention off the fact they are struggling with their work. Children (and teens, too) often lack many of the skills needed to speak up and specifically say what it is they are having trouble with.

After all, they are still growing and developing, and working on learning important social skills. Until then, they may act out if they feel frustrated or upset rather than asking for help.

"Children who are between the ages of 8 and 11 often exhibit behavioral problems when they’re struggling at school, which can manifest as aggression, outbursts, or defiant behavior," Shafir says. "Warning signs in teens can include [the same things] as well as more serious behavioral problems like getting into fights, using substances, skipping classes, or getting suspended from school."

If your child is usually well behaved and suddenly begins to have behavior problems at school, take a look not only at what is happening in their social world but also their academic world as well.

Receives Low Grades

Dropping grades is a common indicator that your child is struggling. Yet, sometimes parents feel that bad grades simply mean that their child just isn't applying themselves and that they will outgrow it. While an occasional poor grade may not be cause for serious concern, a pattern of low grades—or worse, a report card full of poor grades —is a sign of a problem.

Do not fall into the pattern of denial that low grades are not a problem for your child. Make sure you understand all of the information on the report card, and come up with a plan to help your child. Something is keeping them from succeeding and it's your job as their parent to help them discover what that is.

How You Can Help

When your child is struggling—whether it is with schoolwork, a peer problem, or something else—it is important for you to be compassionate, empathetic, and understanding. Your child needs you to advocate for them, to help them solve their problem, and to rebuild their self-esteem.

Be a Good Listener

Take the time to talk to your child about what they are experiencing and truly listen to what they have to say. "Building and maintaining an emotionally safe and validating environment can make communication a little smoother," says Antonatos.

"Your child will likely reach out to you when [they] feel at ease and know [they] will be heard and not judged or scolded. This opens the lines of communication for your child to talk about [their] struggles either at school or otherwise and gives you the opportunity to gather information that can in turn help you help your child."

Look for Practical Solutions

Knowing you are there to support them and that you love them unconditionally goes a long way in easing some of the stress and anxiety your child may be experiencing. It's also important to provide practical support and work with the teacher to create a plan. These tools help set them up for success and can keep them on track.

"Close communication between parents and teachers is one of the best ways to know how your child is doing in school, and can help parents identify potential problems early on," Shafir says. "Sometimes, these can be easily addressed by creating more structure or routine, like limiting screen time or making a rule to do homework before other things."

Seek Professional Help

If you suspect your child is struggling because of a learning or developmental disorder, it is important to get a psychological evaluation done, Shafir says. She recommends requesting this evaluation directly from your child's school.

"It's the best way to get an IEP in place, [which] is a plan that can help provide certain accommodations to help your child succeed, like more time for assignments and a separate room for test-taking," she says.

When to Call a Healthcare Provider

Whether your child is complaining about stomachaches and headaches, or displays signs of depression and anxiety , it is important to talk to their pediatrician about their symptoms. Having this conversation early on is especially important if your child's symptoms or their struggles in school are interfering with their day-to-day life. A medical professional can help get to the root of the issue or make a referral if one is needed.

A Word From Verywell 

The support, encouragement, and advocacy you provide when your child struggles in school can make a huge difference in getting them back on track. While it is understandable to worry when they struggle, remember that learning how to overcome difficulties is a valuable life lesson.

The sooner you intervene and get your child they help that they need, the sooner the stress and anxiety they are experiencing will subside. Make use of the school's resources and reach out to your child's pediatrician or a mental health professional for assistance. By being both patient and diligent—as well as getting the right types of intervention—you can steer your child back on to the path to learning.

Nett UE, Daschmann EC, Goetz T, Stupnisky RH. How accurately can parents judge their children's boredom in school? .  Front Psychol . 2016;7:770. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2016.00770

Weiner CL, Meredith Elkins R, Pincus D, Comer J. Anxiety sensitivity and sleep-related problems in anxious youth .  J Anxiety Disord . 2015;32:66‐72. doi:10.1016/j.janxdis.2015.03.009

National Education Association. Research spotlight on homework: NEA reviews of the research on best practices in education .

Absoud M, Wake H, Ziriat M, Hassiotis A. Managing challenging behaviour in children with possible learning disability .  BMJ . 2019;365:l1663. doi:10.1136/bmj.l1663

Byrd RS. School failure: Assessment, intervention, and prevention in primary pediatric care .  Pediatr Rev . 2005;26(7):233‐243. doi:10.1542/pir.26-7-233

By Lisa Linnell-Olsen Lisa Linnell-Olsen has worked as a support staff educator, and is well-versed in issues of education policy and parenting issues.

Helping your child with learning difficulties deal with homework

by: The GreatSchools Editorial Team | Updated: September 20, 2023

Print article

Helping your child with homework

How much help with homework should parents of kids with learning disabilities provide? Teachers generally encourage parents to adopt a “hands-off” policy, wanting students to complete schoolwork independently. On the other hand, when assignments are incomplete or missing, teachers often call parents, giving them the responsibility of overseeing their child’s work. In this article, Betty Osman, Ph.D., describes the extent to which parents should become involved with their children’s school assignments.

Homework has been part of U.S. education system since the beginning of this century, but in recent years the amount of homework expected of young people has increased exponentially. It is not unusual for today’s first graders to have homework that is both challenging and time-consuming. Although many young people need (or want) a parent’s help with homework from time to time, children with learning disabilities (LD), particularly those in “inclusive classrooms,” are likely to require extra time and more assistance to complete assignments. They tend to resist homework, procrastinate on starting assignments, and perceive themselves as less competent than their peers.

Parents frequently express their concern and confusion about how much homework-help they should provide for their children. I think the answer becomes clearer when we think about the purpose of homework.

According to an article in The American School Board Journal (October, 1996), there are three reasons for homework:

  • To provide practice and reinforce previous instruction.
  • To develop student responsibility.
  • To involve parents directly in supporting their children’s learning. (There is evidence that children are more successful in school when parents are involved in their education.)

With regard to the first purpose, that of reinforcing skills taught in school, a parent might ask, “Has my child learned the requisite skill and is he capable of completing the work independently?” (I have seen children with reading and writing disabilities who receive daily remediation in school and then are given lengthy book reports for homework.)

It may also be unrealistic to expect a child to do homework alone as the requirements of the classroom become more challenging. Like it or not, a parent (or surrogate) may have to share the burden of homework if the child is to succeed academically.

Most parents of children with learning disabilities would agree that, although the will to help is strong, the emotional involvement with one’s own child can make helping with homework difficult. As one parent said, “Homework is an activity that involves reading, math, and parent testing.”

If a child is a competent student, it is relatively easy for a parent to edit a composition or quiz her for a test. But when learning is a struggle and material learned one minute is forgotten the next, it is frustrating for the parent, as well as the child. This frustration is exacerbated when an exhausted parent is summoned at nine o’clock at night to help a child with homework he has forgotten or put off until the last minute. A parent’s natural instinct at that point may be a fight-or-flight response.

The most obvious indication of trouble with a subject is when the books don’t come home at all. “I don’t have any homework” or “I must have left it on the bus (or in school)” are two of the common ways children express their dislike of homework or their fear that they can’t do it. As a second grader said through his tears one day, “It’s just not fair! We work hard in school all day and then have homework, and my teacher isn’t even there!”

Then there are some children who actually do their homework but “forget” to hand it in. Translated, this usually means they feel inadequate relative to their classmates, are ashamed of their work, or want to punish themselves, their teachers, or their parents. That’s what psychologists call being “passive-aggressive.” It’s not what the children do that is troubling; it’s what they don’t do that makes us angry.

Here are strategies  parents can use to effectively help with homework, with a minimum of frustration for both parent and child:

  • Make sure assignments come home. A daily planner or sheet signed by the teacher may remind a reluctant student of an assignment. As one child said, “It helps me remember when my mind wants to forget.”
  • Establish where homework should be done. This does not necessarily mean in a child’s room seated at his desk. Some children really dislike being alone in a quiet room, particularly when they have a task to perform that they don’t like — and homework usually fits that description. Help your child find a corner of his own, whether on the kitchen floor or on his bed with a lap desk to lean on.
  • Establish when homework should be done. Right after a long day at school may not be the best time. Most children need “a break,” in the form of a snack, a bicycle ride, or social time with friends. It is important to be clear, though, about the time to return home (an alarm watch or phone call might ensure compliance). For many children, the hours just before or after dinner are best for homework. That way, there are no midnight surprises. Some children can rise early in the morning to complete an unfinished assignment, while others work better with the privilege of staying up a little later at night.
  • Contrary to common belief, listening to music on the radio may actually help the young person focus on a task. As one woman said, “When I have to concentrate, I turn on the radio to screen out my internal noises.” (TV, however, is not included!) In some instances, merely having a parent present in the room may be sufficient, providing the comfort and company the child needs, even if dad is reading his newspaper.
  • Remember that every child eventually reaches his saturation point. There’s an old saying, “The brain can only absorb as much knowledge as the seat can endure.” Parents have to recognize when a child is tired and has reached the point of diminishing returns. That is the time to stop homework, and let the teacher know the child did as much as he could. It is also a good idea to ask your child’s teacher how much time he should be expected to spend on homework and be guided accordingly. For some children with learning disabilities, the challenge is the length of the homework rather than the difficulty of the assignment.
  • Rather than have children attempt an assignment and then ask parents for help when it is not understood or isn’t done, I recommend that a parent start a child on the homework, to ascertain that she understands it. One or two math problems solved together or a composition started is reassuring for a child and should preclude the need to relearn the material and redo the assignment. Once children feel secure, they usually can finish a task independently and gain confidence in the process.
  • Provide assistive tools when possible , such as a calculator or even a parent scribing for a young child for whom written work is challenging. With the teacher’s sanction, you can act as your child’s “secretary” until he becomes more facile with handwriting and/or the computer.
  • And finally, respect your own feelings and ability to work with your child . If working together is contraindicated, with either you or your child angry or in tears, it is better to be your child’s good and supportive parent than a frustrated, ineffective teacher.

In sum, parents can expect that children with learning disabilities will require more guidance, more assistance, and probably more support than their classmates for whom learning is easier. But we should try to keep homework from becoming the focus of family life and the most dreaded word of the day.

  • The Truth about Homework: What the Research Says Might Surprise You. By Susan Black The American School Board Journal v183, n10, p 48-51 (October, 1996)

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my son needs help with his homework

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My son hates doing homework, and I struggle to help him. Education experts say I need to give him more freedom so he can excel.

My son doesn't like to do homework after a long day of school.

I also get worried about helping him because I learned to do the work a different way years ago.

Education experts told me to give him freedom; we found colorful pens helped.

We're more than three months into the school year, and even though we have our school-year routines established, there's still one contentious spot in my household: homework. My son is in fourth grade; he's been doing homework since he was in kindergarten and we still argue about it.

I guarantee that at least one or two nights a week, he'll give me a hard time about doing homework . He needs a break when he gets home from school, so he doesn't immediately get to work — but without fail, he will grumble about it at 7 p.m. even though he does his homework at the same time every school night.

To make homework time easier for both of us, I sought expert advice.

I've always had a complicated relationship with homework

When I was a kid, homework felt like such a chore, especially in subjects where I didn't feel as academically confident — such as math or science . I'd get home from a full day of learning, and then my parents expected me to sit at the kitchen table and work for two or more hours on the same work I'd been doing all day. If it was a subject I'd mastered, homework felt like a waste of time. But if it was a subject I struggled with, homework felt like torture.

Now that I'm a parent, I sometimes wonder why kids even need homework in the first place. After a long day of school and after-school activities, I think my kid needs a break.

But Janine Bempechat, a clinical professor at Boston University's Wheelock College of Education & Human Development, said homework is useful for a child's education.

"Homework can be a powerful tool to reinforce learning and to provide children with all-important opportunities to practice newly acquired or acquiring skills," Bempechat told Business Insider.

Still, I struggle with how to help my son during homework time

We recently had parent-teacher conferences, and my partner and I admitted to my son's teacher that we often feel out of our depth because sometimes we teach him the way we learned math as kids, but fear that's somehow messing his education up.

As much as I fundamentally understand my child's math worskheets, all that logic goes out the window the minute he calls me over to help. I must steel my nerves, mentally putting on armor before I walk over to the kitchen table to help.

Jennifer Alfaro, a mother and the assistant principal of instruction at Camino Nuevo Charter Academy in Los Angeles, said she understands that parents get stressed and confused when trying to help.

"With Common Core, math strategies are different and so parents feel like they cannot help students because they do not want to confuse the student," Alfaro told BI.

Her words felt validating as a parent. Standards have changed since we were in school, and it's easy for even the most present parent to feel left behind by the way schools now teach the same concepts.

But I learned homework doesn't have to be stressful — for me or my kid

Bempechat stressed the importance of creating healthy habits from the beginning to give kids a routine and listening to them about where and when they feel most comfortable doing their homework.

Giving my son the freedom to choose where he does his homework has greatly improved his desire to do it. He likes to sit at a table to write, but when he's reading, sitting on the couch or in his room helps him feel more comfortable.

His school doesn't have strict rules about writing utensils for homework, so he likes to use colored pens to make it more exciting. He has a pen with multiple color inks, and he'll rotate through them during the week. It's a small win, but I'll take it!

Snacks while doing homework also make it more appealing for him. Young minds need fuel, so letting him eat a bowl of pretzels or some Doritos makes homework time go more smoothly — if he doesn't get orange dust on his worksheets.

Alfaro also gave some direct feedback for parents who may feel stressed and overwhelmed with helping our kids with homework: "Just be present for students so that they feel supported."

For those of us who struggle to keep up with the changing landscape of homework, she shared that "telling students that they might not know exactly how the teacher taught something but that they can help them" is a way to alleviate some of that stress.

Unfortunately, homework isn't going anywhere, as much as some of us wish it would. We need to look at homework as more than a necessary evil and as a way for parents to be an active part of our kid's education.

Read the original article on Business Insider

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my son needs help with his homework

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Posted on October 8, 2019 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Frustrations over Homework? Practice this Coping Strategy…

my son needs help with his homework

Research confirms that short breaks help a person’s brain refresh and process. Staring at the page may not produce any new thinking in your child and in fact, staying there when irritated can burn valuable fuel and decrease motivation to put in the hard work necessary to get through the learning process.

But if he walks away, gets some fresh air, or moves a bit, he might feel differently. This small change of scenery can boost thinking skills in powerful ways. He can think more clearly and become a better problem-solver when he returns. He may even gain some new ideas or solutions to his problem removed from the work setting. This functions in the same way that we experience the “shower effect.” Do you get your best ideas in the shower too? Or perhaps your most creative thoughts come when you are driving in the car with no laptop or notepad at the ready? Or maybe when you’ve laid down to go to sleep for the night, your brain starts firing off brilliant thoughts. In order to access our top thinking skills, we require a mental rest. Consider that a short brain break for your child is working with their natural thinking processes to facilitate them, not fight against them.

So although our intention to promote grit and “stick-to-attive-ness” in our children comes from a genuine hope to help them be successful, teaching and promoting brain breaks can help children learn to manage their emotions more effectively while working. And in addition, they may be able to extend their focused attention when they return to work with added motivation from the fuel they’ve gained.

Here are some simple ways to teach, practice, and promote the essential brain break.

Talk about the Brain Break during a regular (non-frustrating) homework time.

Or if homework is consistently frustrating, then pick a non-homework time to talk about how to take brain breaks.

Brainstorm ideas.

See if you can come up with a few ideas together. What can your child do when taking a brain break? You might ask: “ What makes you feel better or gives you comfort when you’re feeling frustrated? ” You can share some restorative ideas like walking outside and breathing in the fresh air, doing some jumping jacks or a yoga pose, getting a drink of water, or visiting a favorite stuffed friend. For young children, imitate your favorite animal. Hop like a bunny or jump from limb to limb like a squirrel. For older children, listen to your favorite song or play on a musical instrument. Have your child write or draw their ideas. Keep that paper in your homework location so that when it’s needed, you can remind your child to take a look at what ideas she’s had and pick one. Daniel Goleman’s book entitled “ Focus; The Hidden Driver of Excellence ” recommends getting outside in nature as one of the most restorative (and just stepping outside your front door counts!). He also writes that checking email, surfing the web, or playing video games are not restorative so avoid those when you are generating brain break ideas.

Discuss school brain breaks.

Yes, brain breaks are key at school too. But does your child’s teacher offer them? Even if they do, they are likely structured breaks for all students and may not serve your own child’s needs at the moment she has them. Help her learn self-management skills by figuring out what she can do in the midst of frustrating moments when she is sitting at her desk completing a worksheet or taking a test. Because mindfulness simply means becoming aware of your body and your thoughts and feelings (and holding compassion for those feelings – not judgement), it can be done anywhere. Your child could count to ten slowly while breathing deeply. Your child could tap each finger on her page individually while breathing noticing the touching sensation. She could wiggle each toe in her shoes noticing how that feels. These pauses can help her bring her focus back to her work.

Set a timer.

Brain breaks should not be long. After all, your child has work to accomplish and especially on school nights, time is limited. So allow enough time to move away and change the perspective but not so much time that your child gets involved in another activity. One to three minutes could be enough to accomplish that goal. Also, put your child in charge of the timer. You don’t want to be the one managing this break. Give your child that responsibility.

Do a dry run.

Practice is important before using it. Include deep breathing in your practice. For young children, try out hot chocolate breathing or teddy bear breathing to practice this important part of the break. For older children, you can merely count to ten while breathing or exaggerate the sound of your deep breathing together. Call “ brain break. ” Move away from work, breathe deeply, and try out your child’s idea for one restorative practice. This practice will ensure that she is well-rehearsed and can call upon that memory when she’s feeling frustrated and taken over by her flight or fight survival brain.

Notice, remind, and reinforce through reflection.

After you’ve generated ideas and practiced, then notice when you see your child getting frustrated. You might say, “ I notice you have a frustrated look on your face. Would a brain break help ?” Then after she does a brain break and her homework is complete, reflect. “ Did that help you and how did it help you? ” in order to maximize her learning.

For parents, teaching and promoting brain breaks with your child can serve as a helpful reminder to us. Yes, we also require brain breaks as we deal with a myriad of responsibilities and attempt to use focused attention with our child, as well as our work, as well as our household and social responsibilities. If you notice you are feeling overloaded with it all, how can you incorporate brain breaks into your own day to help you become more effective? I think I’ll take one…right now.

For Educators, check out this great article on Edutopia on how to incorporate brain breaks and other focusing activities into your daily classroom routines.

Brain Breaks and Focused Attention Practices

References:

Goleman, D. (2013). Focus; The hidden driven of excellence . NY: Harper Collins.

Kim et al. (2018). Daily micro-breaks and job performance: General work engagement as a cross-level moderator. Journal of Applied Psychology. 103 (7) 772-786.

Originally published on February 17, 2019.

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Category: Building a Positive Family Environment Tags: brain breaks , Coping skills , Dealing with big feelings , frustrating homework , homework frustrations , learning challenges , Self-management , upset during homework

11 Comments on “Frustrations over Homework? Practice this Coping Strategy…”

Thanks for your share. There are as many ways to learn as there are people. Since college, I found methods for learning that reduced after school study time from 20 hours to nearly none. As a teacher, I shared some of these ideas, but encouraged the kids to find what works for them. They could use what I shared, try it, but find what works for them. Here’s what I shared: As the teacher lectures, read the book/text (splitting attention for high functioning students), or read the book soon after the lecture (which I gave time). I would take notes as the teacher talked, but also summarize paragraphs as I read (like one or two phrases each). I also got into the habit of drawing pictures to explain each page (main point). Now, this sounds complex, but it isn’t, all happening at the same time. She lectures, I’m reading and listening: listening for the main points. As I’m reading, I’m summarizing paragraphs and drawing pictures so I can visualize what is happening. At home, all I do is read the notes and look at the pictures, while it’s fresh, to review. Never had to study for tests except to review the notes and think about them. The students who understood this improved in grades. I taught them to learn through understanding, not memorization. Understand and all the pieces fit. Some kids used aspects of this, borrowing, but including their own ideas. The main thing is to understand as you go.

Wow! Thank you sincerely for sharing how you study and advise others! This is so excellent. I really appreciate how you incorporate multiple ways of grappling with the material as you are learning it – summarizing, drawing pictures. These are terrific study methods. I think this is a blog article of the future since very few schools actually take the time to teach study skills. Are you a parent too? My criteria for writing an guest article is that you are a parent (of an 0-18 year old in your household) and have experience/expertise in child development or social and emotional development. If you are interested and fit that criteria, I hope you’ll email me at [email protected] . Thanks for the excellent comment! Best, Jennifer

You’re not going to beleive me when I explain. I was married once, but no children. However, as a teacher, I gathered that if I didn’t have my own children, the work of teaching would be worth the time. But, I think, my friends and family would tell you they think I’m unusual. I’m not. I simply wanted to understand learning and how best to learn, since I hated school while growing up and looked for easier ways. I’ll share something, and people can read my site for other articles (Those articles aren’t the most popular, because writing seems to block the communication that happens in person.). This was when I trained a horse. I had learned some riding in college, then helped people learn beginning riding in summer camp. But I had never trained a horse. **One day, while at work, a friend told me of another friend who was looking for someone to train his 2/3 year old thoroughbred horse. It had never been trained, never been saddled: basically, it was a pet. So, I told him I could train the horse. He didn’t ask if I had ever trained a horse, just if I could. Of course I could. Had no idea what was going to happen. I read one book on the horse whisperer and one magazine about horse training tips. I thought about horses. I knew I liked them, been around them while learning riding, so I figured all would be good. Then, I thought about what training might look like, visualized lessons, wrote down ideas, then went one step at a time. Met the horse, with the owner. Got to know the horse. Two weeks later, we could walk, trot, cantor, gallop, walk backwards, and open gates while sitting on the horse. But we were a partnership. I just listened to what the horse was telling me. This isn’t hard. It’s just all too many of us have been educated out of our common sense. We’ve lost that innate knowing that children have. When I teach, I try to support what children already have, teaching them to trust themselves, but they must do the work. Hope this helps.

Oh my goodness! I love it! I love your example of training a horse and how you learned what you could be then and then deep dove into a partnership of learning with the horse. That’s beautiful! That is how we all learn, isn’t it? It’s just that we adults seem to run into many fears and barriers as we attempt to let go of some of the control while we allow for our learning partner to try and take chances and experiment. It’s a dance for sure. I also love that you hated school but loved figuring out how learning takes place and how you could do it in a way that your students actually derived joy from the experience. Just wonderful! Thank you for writing! You have a whole lot of wisdom to share! Glad you are blogging about it! Please keep in touch. Best, Jennifer

By the way, Jennifer, you’re one of the reasons I keep trying to encourage others to see how easy learning is.

Thank for that comment! I appreciate it. I too am a student of learning and think we can gain a whole lot from learning from our children!

Good ideas. L,M >

Hi Jennifer, Brain break tricks you shared are really helpful for parents , teachers and students as well. Not every time one can go for vacation or on a trip. Many parents feel helpless when they see kids struggling with their work. I am sure if they document such tips and tricks and go through it every if and then, then it would be more helpful for them. ‘Deep breath’ technique is really wonderful for elders as well, it calms and fresh you up with in minutes. School and tuition teachers also need to learn and use such tactics to involve kids in better way. Thanks for sharing.

Zayden, I agree! Breaks and teaching coping strategies can be such empowering tools for parents as they support learning at home. Appreciate your feedback! 🙂 Jennifer

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Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / School & Homework

10 Ways to Motivate Your Child to Do Better in School

By debbie pincus, ms lmhc.

Mom and dad at kitchen table with tween daughter

How do you motivate a child who doesn’t seem to want to do his school work?

As parents, we are invested in our child’s academic life because we know how important it is for their future. Unfortunately, our kids don’t always seem to share our concern about their future. We know this because they continue to prioritize watching YouTube, gaming, and hanging out with their friends over their school work.

Why aren’t our kids motivated to do well in school? After all, it’s in their self-interest to do well. Why don’t they want to succeed as much as we want them to succeed?

Here’s the problem. School is an aspect of life that requires discipline and work, and kids need to learn to buy into the value of doing well. Your child must own the importance of doing well himself. Motivation can’t be forced. And if you try to force your child to be motivated, it almost always makes things worse.

Nevertheless, there are positive steps that you can take to help your child motivate himself to do better in school. Most of these steps involve setting up a structure to enable him to have better discipline and follow-through. This structure improves your child’s chance of success, and the taste of success is often what drives motivation.

In my work with parents and kids over the years, I have found the following 10 tips to help put your child in the best position to succeed and be motivated in school.

1. Stay Positive

Keep a relationship with your child that is open, respectful, and positive. Remind yourself that you and your child are on the same team. This will allow you to be influential, which is your most important parenting tool.

Punishing, preaching, and threatening will get you nowhere and will be detrimental to your relationship and their motivation. Your feelings of anxiety, frustration, and fear are normal and understandable. But reacting to your kids out of these emotions is ineffective and makes things worse.

Remember, your child is not behaving this way on purpose to make your life miserable. When you feel yourself getting worked up, try saying to yourself, “My child is just not there yet.”

And remind yourself that your job is to help him learn how to be responsible. If you get negative and make this a moral issue, then your child might become defiant, reacting to you instead of thinking through things himself.

2. Incorporate the “When You” Rule

One of life’s lessons is that we get paid after we do the work. So start saying things like:

“When you finish studying, you are welcome to go to your friend’s house.”

“When your homework is completed, we can discuss watching that movie you wanted to see on Netflix.”

Enforce this rule and stick to it. If your child does not yet have the necessary discipline, this will help to create it.

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Indeed, by enforcing the “when you” rule, you are helping her learn how to do what her brain is not yet equipped to do, which is to be disciplined and to delay gratification.

3. Create Structure for Your Child

If your child is not studying and his grades are dropping, you have a right to get involved, whether he wants you there or not. Again, you’re not there to do the work for him. Instead, you are there to help set up the structure that he cannot create for himself.

The structure might include scheduled study times, having the computer out in a public place in your home, and saying, “No video games or electronics until after your homework is done.”

You might decide that he must devote a certain amount of hours to study time. During this time, no electronics or other distractions are allowed. You might make the rule that even if he finishes all his homework, he must complete study time by reviewing, reading, or editing.

Some kids do better listening to music while they study, and that’s okay. But keep in mind that this can be tricky because their music is usually integrated with their phones. This means YouTube, Twitter, Reddit, and instant messaging will all be at their fingertips.

If you can’t effectively keep them off those apps, then no phone and no music until their work is done. Just say:

“You can listen to music when you finish your homework.”

Think of it this way: schools don’t allow phones in class, and neither should you.

Understand that this structure is not a punishment. Rather, it is a way to help him to develop a good work ethic and to focus on his school subjects.

4. Meet With the Teacher

If your child’s grades and work habits are not up to par, you can set up a plan by sitting down with him and his teachers.

Have your child check with his teacher each day before coming home to ensure that he has all his homework assignments.

Also, you can ask him each morning to ensure that he brings his homework back to school. For me, nothing was more frustrating than my son doing his homework but then forgetting to bring it to school.

Once your child gets better at managing his time, completing his work, and getting organized, then it’s time for you to back off. Let him do it on his own. Only step in if he is consistently having a problem.

5. Identify a Study Spot

Your child may need a quiet location away from brothers and sisters to study. Or she may do better in a room near others. You can help her experiment, but once you find what works best, keep her in that location.

To keep your child focused, you may need to sit with her while she does her homework. You can read a book or newspaper while she works. At a minimum, be nearby to help ensure that she stays on track.

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It’s okay to help her with her homework if she is stuck, but don’t do her work for her. For example, it’s okay to review her work and ask her if a certain paragraph makes sense to her. But it’s not okay to write every sentence or work on every math problem with her. Give just enough help to get her over the hump. Remember, learning how to struggle through difficult material is one of the skills your child needs to learn.

6. Break Assignments Into Manageable Pieces

Decide together whether you need to help him break down his assignments into smaller pieces and organize on a calendar what he should get done each day.

You can get him a big wall calendar or a whiteboard. It could be electronic if that is preferable, but I prefer written tools because electronics can be distracting.

7. Be Firm and Consistent with Homework Rules

You want to be positive and helpful to your child. At the same time, though, you have to be firm. You have to consistently enforce the rules you establish.

Being firm and consistent sends the message to your child that you know he can succeed.

Being firm also means that you enforce the rules with effective consequences. If he doesn’t follow the rules you set up, apply the consequences. And don’t try to shield him from the natural consequences of not doing his work, even if that means bad or failing grades.

In being firm, stay positive. For every negative interaction with your child, try to create ten positive ones. Try to put the focus on supporting and encouraging him instead of worrying and nagging.

And don’t take his performance personally. When you start to believe his grades are a reflection of you or your parenting, then you will be on his case, and it will make things worse.

8. Be Aware of His Anxiety Level

Recognize that much of your child’s lack of motivation (or what looks like irresponsibility) might be his anxiety or shame about academics and schoolwork. Kids may not be able to explain all of this to you because it’s not always on a conscious level for them.

Anxiety can be misinterpreted as a lousy attitude, lack of motivation, and irresponsibility. Often, the cover-up for these vulnerable emotions can take the form of acting out, shutting down, avoidance, or defiance.

While a little anxiety can motivate, too much blocks your child’s ability to think and to have access to the part of the brain that helps him with motivation.

Keep your emotions in check by recognizing that it may be your child’s anxiety at play rather than his laziness. Calmly help to give him a better structure to get his work done, and it will help reduce his anxiety.

And remember that what is happening now may look very different as your child matures and develops.

9. Don’t Over-Function For Your Child

It’s nerve-wracking and frustrating to see your child struggle and not meet his potential. You may feel that your child’s lack of motivation is a poor reflection on your parenting. In response, you react and shift into overdrive to get your child to succeed so that your feelings of shame, embarrassment, failure, or fear go away.

In the process, you may be tempted to over-function by helping to complete his work for him. But don’t do it. Resist the temptation. The more you over-function for your child, the more he will react to your anxiety, which causes things to go further and further downhill. Just set up the structure to help him succeed, but let him do the work and bear the consequences, good or bad.

Be your child’s coach. Set the strategy and give direction, but stay on the sidelines and let your child play the game—Root for him to win and praise him when he does. But don’t be afraid to let him fail. It’s all part of growing up and learning to take responsibility.

10. Don’t Obsess About the Future

When your child seems to have no interest in his life, it’s easy to start fast-forwarding into the future. When he acts like he doesn’t care about anything except video games and his friends, you worry that he won’t be successful or even function on his own. This heightens your anxiety and fear.

But none of us have a crystal ball or can see into the future. Focusing on the negative things your child is doing will only bring the spotlight on them and may set you both up for a power struggle. Instead, focus on your child’s positive traits and help him work on those in the present.

Is he outgoing? Helpful? A good cook? Good with cars or electronics? Focus on all the things that go into a developed, successful person, not just academics and grades. Help your child develop in social, creative, and emotional ways. Remember to always keep the big picture in mind.

For all of these tips, start from where your child is. What I mean is that, in many cases, your child may have a long way to go, and you don’t want to overwhelm him by trying to work on too many issues at once.

Expect that your child won’t like the structure at first, but he will get used to it. Be patient. Don’t expect improvement overnight, but don’t underestimate your child either. Be confident that he will come around and will improve with the structures you have put in place.

Related content: Sinking Fast at School: How to Help Your Child Stay Afloat “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over School Work

About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM™ program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

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Mom of Senior Although these comments are great, currently all homework is online for my highschool senior. during the pandemic, all of his school was online, and now, he's in a brick and mortor school for the first time since 9th grade. i think encouraging kids to seek friends at this point is More helpful, but it has to be on his terms. i haven't heard of many other parents with kids in this situation, but i do believe we aren't the only ones at a new school for senior year. the other situation is how much my senior dislikes school. he hates the entire structure of the school day, and feels there's no opportunity to truly learn when forced to cram everything into a 45 minute class period. we struggle often, with all of this.

BW RC I agree with you.

Parents most definitely need to stay involved in making sure their kids are on track academically. Here are some tips, parent to parent, from someone who has raised kids who have had success in school:

(1) Understand each of your child's capabilities and set expectations at home. Keep in mind that every child is different and outcomes will vary. The one commonality is that every child needs to achieve to the best of his/her own ability. Establishing work ethic is key in the early academic years.

(2) Help your child with organizational tools. Many kids struggle early on because they miss due dates or don't know how to manage their time because of poor organization. Buy them agendas to write down assignments and talk to them at the beginning of each week about upcoming tests and projects.

(3) Create a quiet, stress-free environment at home where kids can focus without distraction.

(4) Self esteem and confidence are extremely important. Always try to focus on positive reinforcement rather than taking a punitive approach. Verbally acknowledge improvements, even if the grade isn't where you would like it to be. If a child scores a low C on a test one week, and brings it up to a mid C the next, focus on the improvement, not on the disappointment that the grade isn't an A.

(5) Teach your child to communicate directly with his/her teachers and take advantage of study halls and other opportunities to seek instruction. Only get involved directly if all other avenues have been exhausted.

RC These suggestions are great for those with children, who have little defiance and will react to consequences, by changing their behavior. But, for our kid, nothing seems to work, either positive or negative. Unfortunately, I find this information much too basic and general. We’ve tried all of this and nothing More has stuck. The only suggestion I can see as potentially beneficial is number nine. Focus on what the kid is good at and hope for the best. But, until kids can stop lying to everyone, especially themselves, it’s all for nothing...

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

  • 1. The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework
  • 2. "My Child Refuses to Do Homework" — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork
  • 3. What to Do When Your Child or Teen is Suspended or Expelled From School
  • 4. Acting Out in School: When Your Child is the Class Troublemaker
  • 5. Young Kids in School: Help for the Top 4 Behavior Problems
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How to help your child get motivated in school.

Strategies you can use to help kids work up to their potential

Writer: Danielle Cohen

Clinical Experts: Laura Phillips, PsyD, ABPdN , Ken Schuster, PsyD , Kristin Carothers, PhD

What You'll Learn

  • Why do some kids have trouble getting motivated in school?
  • How can parents help their children try harder in school?

It’s common for kids to lack motivation in school. Sometimes, this happens because the child has ADHD, anxiety, social challenges, or a learning disability. But other times, kids without a diagnosable problem still have trouble living up to their potential in school. Here are a few ways that parents can encourage kids to put in more effort at school.

Start by showing kids that you care about their schoolwork. Check in with them about how classes are going. Let them know that you’re there if they need homework help. Ask what they’re learning and what they like (and don’t like) about the assignments. With older kids, be sure to give them space, too. If they sense that you’re pressuring them, they might end up feeling resentful and less motivated.

Using positive reinforcement helps. You don’t need to give kids big rewards, but even small ones like a high five or a few extra minutes of screen time can make a difference. It’s also important to praise effort, not results. For example, praise your child for finishing a tough assignment or taking a class that might be hard. Nobody gets top grades all the time, so make sure your child knows you don’t expect perfection.

You can also bring in reinforcements if schoolwork is becoming a source of conflict for you and your child. You could hire an older student at your child’s school or a nearby college to help monitor homework and ease stress on the family. Talking to your child’s teacher can also give you insight into their behavior and help you work as a team to encourage them.

Finally, be sure to keep tabs on your own feelings. If you’re getting very frustrated or angry about your child’s school performance, a therapist or support group can help.

If you have a child who is struggling in school and doesn’t seem to be motivated to make an effort, the first thing you want to do is explore whether there is some obstacle getting in his way. Learning issues , social challenges, attention or emotional problems can all cause kids to disengage academically.

But not all kids who are underperforming in school—clearly not living up to their potential—have a diagnosable problem . And there are a number of things parents can do to help motivate kids to try harder.

Get involved

As a parent, your presence in the academic life of your child is crucial to their commitment to work. Do homework with them, and let them know that you’re available to answer questions. Get in the habit of asking them about what they learned in school, and generally engage them academically. By demonstrating your interest in your child’s school life, you’re showing them school can be exciting and interesting. This is especially effective with young kids who tend to be excited about whatever you’re excited about. Teenagers can bristle if they feel you are asking too many questions, so make sure you are sharing the details of your day, too. A conversation is always better than an interrogation.

Likewise, it’s important to stay involved but give older kids a little more space. If you’re on top of your kid all the time about homework, they may develop resistance and be less motivated to work—not to mention the strain it will put on your relationship.

Use reinforcement

Many parents are nervous about rewarding kids for good work , and it’s true that tangible rewards can turn into a slippery slope. But there are ways to use extrinsic motivation that will eventually be internalized by your kid. “Kids respond really well to social reinforcers like praises, hugs, high fives, and those kinds of things,” says Laura Phillips , PsyD, a neuropsychologist at the Child Mind Institute. “Then they start to achieve because it feels good for them.”

Ken Schuster , PsyD, a neuropsychologist at the Child Mind Institute, encourages parents to use rewarding activities that would have probably occurred either way but placing them after a set amount of time doing homework. He suggests treats that are easy to provide but that your child will enjoy, such as going for ice cream or sharing a candy bar. He also recommends breaking work up into chunks and using small breaks as rewards for getting through each chunk.

Reward effort rather than outcome

The message you want to send is that your respect hard work. Praising kids for following through when things get difficult, for making a sustained effort, and for trying things they’re not sure they can do successfully can all help teach them the pleasure of pushing themselves. Praise for good grades that come easily can make kids feel they shouldn’t have to exert themselves.

Help them see the big picture

For older kids who have developed an understanding of delayed gratification, sometimes simple reminders of their long-term goals can help push them. It can help many high school seniors who slack off after getting into college to remind them that they could lose their acceptance if their grades drop too much, or they might not be prepared for college courses. “Linking school up with their long-term goals can make the work feel more personally fulfilling,” explains Dr. Phillips.

Let them make mistakes

No one can get A’s on every test or perfect score on every assignment. While kids need encouragement, and it’s healthy to push them to try their best, know that setbacks are natural . Sometimes the only way kids learn how to properly prepare for school is by finding out what happens when they’re unprepared.

Get outside help

One way to take a little tension away from your relationship with your child is to find an older student (either at their school or a nearby college) to help them out with work. Most will charge pretty low rates, and the fact that they’re closer to your kid’s age may make it more likely they’ll listen to what they say.

“Homework was a source of conflict for us,” says Elizabeth, whose son Alex has ADHD . Elizabeth hired a few Barnard students to help Alex do his homework on certain nights, she recalls. “He behaved a lot better with them, and it was money well spent for me because I wasn’t fighting, and I wasn’t stressed out.”

Make the teacher your ally

Another one of the most important things you can do for your child is to work with their teacher. The teacher might have additional insight about how to motivate your child or what they might be struggling with. Likewise, you can share any strategies or information that you have.

When her son was in lower school and only had one teacher, Elizabeth would call his teacher before the first day, introducing herself and alerting the teacher that her son had ADHD and that he found it hard to focus. She would give the teacher little tips that she had found were useful with Alex: Writing multi-step directions on the board, tapping him on the shoulder while walking past to make sure he was paying attention and other small tweaks that would be useful to any young child but are especially essential to one with ADHD.

“Make sure that both school and home are of one accord,” stresses Kristin Carothers, PhD, a clinical psychologist. Dr. Carothers often sets up a system she calls the daily report card. With this system, the child gets points from their teacher for things like completing work and following directions the first time they get them. Then they bring those points home, where their parents give them small rewards, such as extra time on the iPad or playing a game together.

Get support for yourself

It can be just as frustrating to watch your child withdraw from school as it can be difficult for the kid themself to focus. Elizabeth says that she often feels judged as a parent for having a son who struggles so much in school.

Some schools have support groups for parents of kids who are less motivated, and if your child’s school doesn’t, Elizabeth encourages setting one up. “It’s very comforting to hear that you’re not alone,” she says. “It’s also helpful to hear people who have gone ahead of you talk about how to navigate the school’s system, find a therapist, and talk to teachers.”

“If you’re feeling yourself getting really angry or frustrated with your kids, take a step back,” Dr. Carothers recommends. “Put things into context.”

It’s also important to keep your goals in perspective: Your child may not become a star student. Make sure to focus on the effort they put in and the commitment they show instead of the outcome. If you expect perfect achievement from a child who struggles in school, you’ll drive yourself crazy.

“I’m not trying to get my child to be someone he’s not,” Elizabeth says about her efforts to help her son. “I just want him to reach his potential.”

Frequently Asked Questions

You can motivate your child to do homework by letting them know you’re available to answer any questions they might have and that you see how hard they’re working. You can also reward them with small treats, like going out for ice cream, after they finish a certain amount of homework.

To motivate a child to do well in school, use positive reinforcement such as hugs and high fives, reward their effort rather than specific outcomes, and help them make the connection between current effort and achieving long-term goals such as getting into college.

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  • Children with autism & homework – 11 tips for success

my son needs help with his homework

If you’re a parent of a child with autism, you know that it can be a challenge to motivate them to complete homework assignments. Often during this process, children with ASD will express an array of problem behaviors including tantrums, noncompliance, and aggression. This can be stressful for parents and caregivers who can sometimes feel defeated. There are, however, evidence-based techniques that will encourage the successful completion of assignments.

Ultimately, you do not want to force your child to do homework; you want to incentivize them. With that in mind, here are eleven tips from our Board Certified Behavior Analysts that will start you and your child on the road to success.

11 tips to incentivize your child with autism to successfully complete homework

  • Understand the assignment. Often, there are distractions in the classroom when your child writes down their homework. This can cause them to not fully understand what needs to get accomplished. A simple solution would be regular communication with the teacher. Perhaps a quick text message with a picture of the assignment written on the blackboard. Also, having the phone number of another student may be helpful.
  • Set a time. For some children, it is best to start homework as soon as they arrive home from school. For other children, however, it is better to allow them a set amount of time to relax and unwind from their day. Remember, school for a child on with ASD can be stressful as they may be struggling to keep up with neuro-typically developing peers both socially and academically.
  • Create a regular schedule. Keeping a routine will help to communicate expectations. Individuals on the spectrum generally prefer routines and problem behavior may arise as a result of breaking that routine. Set a time to start homework, a time for breaks, and a regular, distraction-free place in the home where assignments can be completed.
  • Remove distractions. A distraction could be a sibling, pets, television, noises, tangibles like toys or lights. Make sure that the table your child sits at is clear of all clutter. The fewer distractions, the more likely your child will maintain focus.
  • Be available. Your child may need help with her or his homework. Be in the proximity of their workspace so as to prevent them from getting up and causing further distraction. You don’t have to sit with them the entire time but being within an earshot can be helpful.
  • Set the ground rules. The important thing about making rules is that you stick to them. Do not give into a problem behavior just to temporarily make the issue go away. In the long run, it will be more difficult to replace that behavior with one that is acceptable. Some rules may be, “You can play your video games only if you finish your homework,” or “you must stay seated until one page of homework is done.” Also, when prompting your child to start her or his homework, it is important not to do so in the form of a question. Why? Because if you ask your child, “Can you do your homework now?” An appropriate response would be, “No.” So make sure to state this direction in the form of a demand. For example, “Do your homework now please.”
  • Reward your child. No one knows what activities and tangibles your child likes more than you. Perhaps your daughter or son likes to play Angry Birds on your iPhone. These sorts of activities can be used to reward good behavior or, in this case, the completion of an assignment. Never provide a reward unless your child has successfully completed what was asked of her or him. Lastly, do not use the reward as bribery. Use, if________ then ________ statements.
  • Segment assignments. Sitting down and studying or doing work for an extended period of time can be challenging. For this reason, you can segment homework assignments by specific task or by a length of time. Then, match the successful completion with the reward. For example, “Complete 2 pages of homework then you get to play Angry Birds for 5-minutes.” Or, “Work on your homework for 20-minutes then you get to play Angry Birds for 5-minutes.
  • Use a timer . A visual timer is a great way to engage your child and keep her or him on track. If your rule is that your child does homework for 20-minutes, the timer will help enforce this. Before you start the timer make sure that all of your child’s questions are answered so as to avoid distractions.
  • Create a visual schedule. A visual schedule will help you stick to the routine. You can take pictures of different activities, print and laminate them, and use Velcro to attach them to a board.
  • You’re not alone. Once you have your plan, ask family members or service providers to help. Taking turns can alleviate stress.

These are a few basic tips that would help you and your child successfully complete homework assignments. Every child is unique. Problem behaviors have specific functions . For that reason, as part of your ABA services , a BCBA will observe and assess undesirable behaviors and tailor a behavior intervention plan that is as unique as your child and her or his specific challenges. To compliment this plan, your ABA provider should provide parent training.

What are your biggest challenges in getting your child to do her or his homework? Leave your thoughts in the comment section below or connect with 

[email protected]

What's Hot

Why i stopped helping my son with his homework.

Changing diapers, minds and habits, sometimes all in one day

my son needs help with his homework

By Ana Connery

Recently, I went to my son Javier's class picnic. Parents showed up with blankets and lunches so we could enjoy the first taste of spring together with our kids. After the first five minutes, the kids had gobbled their lunches and were running around the park playing tag, leaving the parents to talk among ourselves.

In other words, my kid barely noticed I was there.

A new book, The Broken Compass: Parental Involvement with Children's Education , says getting uber-involved with kids' school activities, whether that's rearranging your day so you can show up for the class picnic or simply helping them with their homework, is not doing your offspring any good. Researchers combed through almost 30 years' worth of data to study how parental involvement affects academic achievement and found that too much of it could actually harm kids' chances of achieving success.

My son, Javier, is 8 and in second grade. Besides killing myself to show up for every class party, I help him with his homework every night. It's mostly math, with the focus on basic addition and subtraction. There's really no reason Javier shouldn't be able to do his homework on his own every night. It's material he has already been taught in school, and it's appropriate for his grade level. In fact, there are probably countries where kids are mastering this stuff in kindergarten. So why do I walk him through it every night? What exactly am I worried about? That he might -- gasp -- turn in a wrong answer? Would that really be such a bad thing?

There are certainly reasons to help kids with their schoolwork beyond getting good grades. I help my son in part because I see it as an opportunity to bond. To be perfectly honest, it makes me feel like a better parent. There is nothing wrong with that, but somewhere along the line I got the message that if I don't involve myself in as much of my son's schoolwork as possible, he will grow up to be an irresponsible misfit, and research shows this is not the case at all.

I grew up in a home with two full-time working parents who saw my brother and me at dinnertime and on weekends. They did not go to daytime school plays, nor did they chaperone field trips, and they certainly didn't help us with our homework. I don't even remember them asking us much about school, at least not the way I ask my son every day on our drive home. Somehow, I managed to grow up to be an educated, productive member of society, and to be honest, I don't think any less of my mother because she didn't walk me through my multiplication tables.

So, why is every mother I know today -- myself included -- killing herself to be at every class party, to volunteer at every school function and to help with homework and school projects? We are sitting in traffic, rearranging our schedules and dodging our bosses in order to make it to everything we possibly can, and it turns out that may not be the best thing for our kids after all.

Recently, I went into homework hour with my son with a new approach. Instead of rolling up my sleeves and diving in alongside him, I asked if he needed my help. To my surprise, he declined my offer, with the caveat that he would call me if he got stuck. Just like that, I was free! Free to make dinner, or check email or do a little work of my own if I wanted, and he was free to make mistakes, hopefully ones he could learn from. All this time I thought I was doing the right thing by sticking my nose into his homework and every other piece of his school life, and he would have probably preferred that I did not.

It turns out my son had more confidence in himself than I did, and that's not just eye-opening, it's a little embarrassing. From now on, I'm vowing to step back and let Javier figure things out for himself. It's not like I'm going to college with him. He needs to know what it feels like to earn a bad grade if he's ever going to prize the feeling of earning good ones. After all, the only success that truly matters is the one he earns himself.

As far as class parties and picnics go, I will happily attend whatever I can. I love seeing his face light up when he first catches my eye as I walk in the room, and while these visits may not amount to advanced academic achievement, they certainly make lots of beautiful memories. But I'm no longer going to move heaven and earth to attend every event.

Javier is growing up, and so am I. He knows where to find me -- if he needs me.

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From our partner, huffpost shopping’s best finds, more in life.

my son needs help with his homework

CafeMom

Mom-Tested Tips for Ending Homework Battles

Posted: August 27, 2023 | Last updated: August 27, 2023

<p>Back-to-school season means a return to making lunches, signing field trip permission slips, planning for 127 different spirit day outfits, and having to face the prospect of taming the <a href="https://cafemom.com/parenting/207494-inappropriate_kid_homework_fails">homework beast</a> once again. Although some experts think <a href="https://cafemom.com/parenting/parents-teachers-taking-stand-against-homework">homework shouldn't exist</a> at all, the truth is that most kids will face reading logs, worksheets, and book reports at some point in the near future. For some kids (and their VERY lucky parents), getting homework done is a "no drama for their mama" situation. </p> <p>For other kids, on the other hand, the struggle is all too real.</p> <p>There are lots of reasons homework can become a battle, so we are super grateful for the advice of other moms who've figured out how to end those fights before they start. Read on for some genius tips, including knowing when to call it quits and when to get some help. </p> <p><strong>More from CafeMom:</strong> <a href="https://cafemom.com/parenting/utah-middle-school-faces-backlash-over-forcing-kids-to-eat-bugs">Utah Middle School Faces Backlash Over Forcing Kids To Eat Bugs for Assignment</a></p>

Back-to-school season means a return to making lunches, signing field trip permission slips, planning for 127 different spirit day outfits, and having to face the prospect of taming the homework beast once again. Although some experts think homework shouldn't exist at all, the truth is that most kids will face reading logs, worksheets, and book reports at some point in the near future. For some kids (and their VERY lucky parents), getting homework done is a "no drama for their mama" situation.

For other kids, on the other hand, the struggle is all too real.

There are lots of reasons homework can become a battle, so we are super grateful for the advice of other moms who've figured out how to end those fights before they start. Read on for some genius tips, including knowing when to call it quits and when to get some help.

More from CafeMom: Utah Middle School Faces Backlash Over Forcing Kids To Eat Bugs for Assignment

<p>"My best advice is to remember what works for one kid might not work for the other. My son has always wanted to come home and do homework right away so he can get it over with and have the rest of the day to play. I learned the hard way that it is MELTDOWN CITY if my daughter doesn’t get a snack and some play time before she has to do homework. Set them up for success by figuring out what time of the afternoon/evening is best for them." – Martha D., Iowa</p>

Different Kids, Different Needs

"My best advice is to remember what works for one kid might not work for the other. My son has always wanted to come home and do homework right away so he can get it over with and have the rest of the day to play. I learned the hard way that it is MELTDOWN CITY if my daughter doesn’t get a snack and some play time before she has to do homework. Set them up for success by figuring out what time of the afternoon/evening is best for them." – Martha D., Iowa

<p>"Homework was so awful with my son. Like, it was taking him almost two hours to do basically two 3rd grade workbook pages and 20 minutes of reading and I was yelling, he was crying. It felt like ‘wait, this shouldn’t be so hard’ and that was accurate.</p> <p>"The homework challenge was the thing that kind of clued us in that there was something more going on. He eventually got diagnosed with a learning difference and ADHD, so I think my advice is to ask for help if the level of homework battle is just beyond normal." – Lara R., Colorado</p>

"Homework was so awful with my son. Like, it was taking him almost two hours to do basically two 3rd grade workbook pages and 20 minutes of reading and I was yelling, he was crying. It felt like ‘wait, this shouldn’t be so hard’ and that was accurate.

"The homework challenge was the thing that kind of clued us in that there was something more going on. He eventually got diagnosed with a learning difference and ADHD, so I think my advice is to ask for help if the level of homework battle is just beyond normal." – Lara R., Colorado

<p>"I made a little homework nook in our kitchen with all the supplies they might need, comfortable chairs, and some snacks that they can help themselves to. I feel like it helps to have a welcoming space, and I usually make dinner when they are doing homework, so I can get that done but still be close by if they need help." – Jenny N., California</p>

Make a Cozy Space

"I made a little homework nook in our kitchen with all the supplies they might need, comfortable chairs, and some snacks that they can help themselves to. I feel like it helps to have a welcoming space, and I usually make dinner when they are doing homework, so I can get that done but still be close by if they need help." – Jenny N., California

child on tablet

Watch the Screens

"Ugh. My kid’s school has them do homework on their school iPads, which I HATE. Last year it was taking my 2nd grade son forever to get his homework done and staying up too late, not getting chores done because ‘I still have homework, Mom!’.

"I eventually clued in to the fact that he was only spending like 40 minutes on homework and the rest of the time was screwing around on the iPad. Now he has to do his homework in the dining room, so I can see that he’s actually doing it. He gets done in less than an hour now." – KayCee C., Minnesota

<p>"My suggestion is sort of basic, but it works for us: do the least fun/hardest thing first. Have a snack, do something relaxing, and then tackle the hard thing first when the brain is fresher. A lot less of battle when the worst is out of the way first." – Annie P., Arizona</p>

Do the Hardest Thing First

"My suggestion is sort of basic, but it works for us: do the least fun/hardest thing first. Have a snack, do something relaxing, and then tackle the hard thing first when the brain is fresher. A lot less of battle when the worst is out of the way first." – Annie P., Arizona

<p>"Can we just, as parents, band together and put an end to freaking reading logs? For whatever reason, all of our homework battles were around reading logs. As someone who loves reading, I hated seeing how much having to log it sucked the joy out of reading for my kids. So I just told my kids we’ll skip them.</p> <p>They still read every day but not having to log it took the pressure off. It’s second grade! Who cares if they don’t turn in a reading log! Let that stuff go!" – Sasha W., Washington</p> <p><strong>More from CafeMom:</strong> <a href="https://cafemom.com/parenting/222509-mom-shares-success-kids-screen-detox">Mom Puts Entire Family on 'Screen Detox' & Daughter Has Already Jumped 5 Reading Levels</a></p>

Ditch the Log

"Can we just, as parents, band together and put an end to freaking reading logs? For whatever reason, all of our homework battles were around reading logs. As someone who loves reading, I hated seeing how much having to log it sucked the joy out of reading for my kids. So I just told my kids we’ll skip them.

They still read every day but not having to log it took the pressure off. It’s second grade! Who cares if they don’t turn in a reading log! Let that stuff go!" – Sasha W., Washington

More from CafeMom: Mom Puts Entire Family on 'Screen Detox' & Daughter Has Already Jumped 5 Reading Levels

<p>"I’m strict about screen time (even for my high school kids) and our rule is simple: no screens until homework is done. We’ve done this since day one of having homework and the kids just know that we don’t budge on it. Consistency of expectations is the key!” – Laura W., Michigan</p>

"I’m strict about screen time (even for my high school kids) and our rule is simple: no screens until homework is done. We’ve done this since day one of having homework and the kids just know that we don’t budge on it. Consistency of expectations is the key!” – Laura W., Michigan

<p>"One of the things that helps our family is having a clear sense of how important homework is to us. The truth is that, with kids who are still in elementary school, it isn’t that important to us. Outside playtime, doing Legos, having fun with friends is more important to their development than homework is. So, I make it optional: they can do it when they want, if they want." – Blake E., Colorado</p>

Homework Isn't Everything

"One of the things that helps our family is having a clear sense of how important homework is to us. The truth is that, with kids who are still in elementary school, it isn’t that important to us. Outside playtime, doing Legos, having fun with friends is more important to their development than homework is. So, I make it optional: they can do it when they want, if they want." – Blake E., Colorado

<p>"My parenting lightbulb moment was realizing that fully 90% of my kid's post-school meltdowns (including homework ones) were because she was STARVING after school. I've started packing car snacks for her to eat on the way home and it makes everything easier once we get there." – Jamie J., Arizona</p>

Always Start With a Snack

"My parenting lightbulb moment was realizing that fully 90% of my kid's post-school meltdowns (including homework ones) were because she was STARVING after school. I've started packing car snacks for her to eat on the way home and it makes everything easier once we get there." – Jamie J., Arizona

<p>"Sometimes you have to give your kids permission to skip homework. Like, for us we are crazy busy on Wednesdays. We have soccer and church and there's just not time to do it. If I try to rush my 8 and 10 year olds to get homework done, everyone just gets stressed and cranky. I told their teachers that we just don't do homework on Wednesdays and they were fine with it. Saved so many tears!" - Melody D., Minnesota</p>

Be Realistic About Time

"Sometimes you have to give your kids permission to skip homework. Like, for us we are crazy busy on Wednesdays. We have soccer and church and there's just not time to do it. If I try to rush my 8 and 10 year olds to get homework done, everyone just gets stressed and cranky. I told their teachers that we just don't do homework on Wednesdays and they were fine with it. Saved so many tears!" - Melody D., Minnesota

<p>"Every Sunday, my son (he's 16) and I sit down and do his planner. He needs that extra support to help figure out how to break down doing bigger projects and how far in advance to start studying. Remember that teenage brains aren't fully developed! They don't just automatically know how to do tasks like this! Help them build the habit now so they are ready to do on their own in college." – Amy S., California</p> <p><strong>More from CafeMom:</strong> <a href="https://cafemom.com/parenting/essential-conversations-moms-need-to-have-with-their-teens">5 Essential Conversations Moms Need To Have With Their Teens</a></p>

Practice With a Planner

"Every Sunday, my son (he's 16) and I sit down and do his planner. He needs that extra support to help figure out how to break down doing bigger projects and how far in advance to start studying. Remember that teenage brains aren't fully developed! They don't just automatically know how to do tasks like this! Help them build the habit now so they are ready to do on their own in college." – Amy S., California

More from CafeMom: 5 Essential Conversations Moms Need To Have With Their Teens

<p>"When my first kid started getting homework, we were struggling. It was taking him at least two hours to get through all of it. In 1st grade! Of course there were awful meltdowns. I just assumed that was normal until I mentioned it to another mom and she was like 'uh, it should be taking like 15 minutes ..' </p> <p>"I finally talked to his teacher and she confirmed that she'd never want him to be spending two hours a day on homework. We figured out some strategies around it and it got better. My advice: talk to the teacher if every home sesh is a struggle or if it is taking hours a day." – Kelly C., Indiana</p>

Ask the Teacher

"When my first kid started getting homework, we were struggling. It was taking him at least two hours to get through all of it. In 1st grade! Of course there were awful meltdowns. I just assumed that was normal until I mentioned it to another mom and she was like 'uh, it should be taking like 15 minutes ..'

"I finally talked to his teacher and she confirmed that she'd never want him to be spending two hours a day on homework. We figured out some strategies around it and it got better. My advice: talk to the teacher if every home sesh is a struggle or if it is taking hours a day." – Kelly C., Indiana

<p>"First, unless you are a single mom, don't act like a single mom! Dads need to help with the homework BS too! When we are gearing up for a homework fight, sometimes it's best if I tag out and he takes over. Some fresh parenting energy can help." – Olivia T., Rhode Island</p>

"First, unless you are a single mom, don't act like a single mom! Dads need to help with the homework BS too! When we are gearing up for a homework fight, sometimes it's best if I tag out and he takes over. Some fresh parenting energy can help." – Olivia T., Rhode Island

<p>"For early grades, the bulk of their homework time is probably going to be reading, so finding ways to make that fun is clutch. We take reading outside or in the hammock, or even at a park just to mix it up." – Melissa H., Texas</p>

Make Reading Fun

"For early grades, the bulk of their homework time is probably going to be reading, so finding ways to make that fun is clutch. We take reading outside or in the hammock, or even at a park just to mix it up." – Melissa H., Texas

<p>"With my ADHD kid, we do the 20-10-20 method and it helps reduce the tension a lot. He has to do 20 minutes of homework, gets a 10 minute break, and then another 20 minutes. We use a timer and he knows he can do whatever he needs to do in those 10 minutes. We say 'Anyone can do anything for 20 minutes' and I think that's true!" – Alice S., Minnesota</p>

Set a Timer

"With my ADHD kid, we do the 20-10-20 method and it helps reduce the tension a lot. He has to do 20 minutes of homework, gets a 10 minute break, and then another 20 minutes. We use a timer and he knows he can do whatever he needs to do in those 10 minutes. We say 'Anyone can do anything for 20 minutes' and I think that's true!" – Alice S., Minnesota

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IMAGES

  1. Mother Helping Son With Homework Sitting At Desk In Bedroom

    my son needs help with his homework

  2. Dad Helping His Son with Homework in Room Stock Image

    my son needs help with his homework

  3. Mother helping son with homework

    my son needs help with his homework

  4. Happy Man Helping His Son To Do Homework Stock Image

    my son needs help with his homework

  5. Dad Helping His Son with Homework Stock Image

    my son needs help with his homework

  6. 😎 Parents help with homework. Helping Your Gradeschooler With Homework

    my son needs help with his homework

COMMENTS

  1. How Parents Can Help Children Who Struggle with Homework

    When parents turn the homework ritual into a series of conversations about what needs to be done, how, and for how long, children feel less "alone" with their nightly work, they relish the company and support of their parent, and they work better and more efficiently.

  2. How to Get Children to Do Homework

    Stop the Nightly Fights The way you can stop fighting with your kids over homework every night is to stop fighting with them tonight. Disengage from the dance. Choose some different steps or decide not to dance at all. Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student.

  3. How Much Should I Help My Child With Their Homework?

    In elementary school, homework focuses on concepts children are studying in class, and its purpose is to practice and reinforce what's already been learned, says Brianna Leonhard, certified teacher, board certified behavior analyst (BCBA), and founder of Third Row Adventures.

  4. How to Help Kids With Homework

    Don't do the homework for them. Helping your child with homework isn't the same as doing your child's homework. You can make suggestions, but your child must do the work for meaningful ...

  5. Homework Battles and Power Struggles with Your Child

    Your child will resist by pushing back. That's when the power struggle ensues. Your child, in essence, is saying, "I own my own life—stay out!" Now the battle for autonomy is getting played out around homework and chores, and exactly what you feared and hoped to avoid gets created. This is very aggravating for parents to say the least.

  6. My Child Refuses To Do Homework

    876 For many parents, getting their kids to do their homework is a nightly struggle. Some kids refuse to do their homework. Others claim that they don't have homework, but then the report card comes out, and you realize that their work was not being done. So why is homework time so difficult?

  7. Should I Stop Supervising My Teen's Homework?

    This can help get his juices flowing and make it easier for him to concentrate when he sits down again. A homework station can help him encounter fewer distractions. His work area should be separated as much as possible from siblings, pets, TV and text messages. Use Parenting Coach for tips on things like setting limits on the use of social media.

  8. Should I help my child with their homework? Teacher advice from Care

    It's good practice in general but especially for reluctant readers. Avoid slogging. Give a book 40-50 pages, and then if he's not on board, ask him if he wants to ditch it and try something ...

  9. My Child Is Struggling in School. How Can I Help?

    All kids — whether they have problems at school or not — do better when they: Have a regular schedule with a set bedtime, homework time, and time to relax. Get enough sleep. Eat nutritious meals and snacks. You also might offer to help your child with homework and studying. In some situations, a tutor may help.

  10. How to help your child with homework

    Here are ways to best help your child when she's doing homework: Have your child settle into a good study space. You might hear differently, but children don't need one special place to do homework every day. In fact, some kids do well studying in different spots: the kitchen or dining room table, a desk in their room, or even a cozy couch.

  11. Help for Kids Struggling With Learning

    Quick Read. Kids may struggle with learning for several reasons. Some might have difficulty with reading or math. Some have trouble processing instructions. Others have trouble organizing their thoughts and the steps it takes to get homework done. And the parents of these kids struggle with how to get them the best kind of help.

  12. Help Your Child Get Organized (for Parents)

    To get started, introduce the 1-2-3 method and help your child practice it in daily life. Even something as simple as brushing teeth requires this approach, so you might use this example when introducing the concept: Getting organized: Go to the bathroom and get out your toothbrush and toothpaste. Turn on the water.

  13. How To Motivate Child To Do Homework (7 Practical Tips)

    Doing that is setting up a child to feel bad even when it's not. 2. Don't tell your child, "you cannot play until you finish your homework". Again, by putting homework in a category separate from play, you are saying that it cannot be enjoyable. The importance of play cannot be overstated. So make it count 2 .

  14. Homework Emotions in Children and Parents

    Most often, what motivates a child to do his or her homework (or a parent to oversee it) are negative emotions. Negative emotions, like distress, fear, anger, disgust, and shame, will motivate a ...

  15. Refuses to do Homework

    Self-Talk. Say to yourself, "I wish my child wanted to do his homework. But I can be calm when he fights doing it. It's his job to do it and mine to encourage his learning how." Empathy. Tell yourself, "I need to know what my child is thinking and feeling to help him be motivated to do his homework. When I put myself in his shoes, I'll be able ...

  16. 7 Warning Signs Your Child Is Struggling in School

    Shafir says that many issues, both in school and out, can result in difficulty at school. These might include learning or developmental disorders or mental health conditions like anxiety, social anxiety, or depression. Kids who are ill, who have difficulty sleeping, or who are experiencing stress or trauma at home may all struggle academically.

  17. Helping your child with homework

    Most parents of children with learning disabilities would agree that, although the will to help is strong, the emotional involvement with one's own child can make helping with homework difficult. As one parent said, "Homework is an activity that involves reading, math, and parent testing.". If a child is a competent student, it is ...

  18. Still, I struggle with how to help my son during homework time

    December 6, 2023 · 5 min read 21 My son doesn't like to do homework after a long day of school. I also get worried about helping him because I learned to do the work a different way years...

  19. Frustrations over Homework? Practice this Coping Strategy…

    Include deep breathing in your practice. For young children, try out hot chocolate breathing or teddy bear breathing to practice this important part of the break. For older children, you can merely count to ten while breathing or exaggerate the sound of your deep breathing together. Call " brain break.

  20. Helping Your Child Succeed

    Once your child gets better at managing his time, completing his work, and getting organized, then it's time for you to back off. Let him do it on his own. Only step in if he is consistently having a problem. 5. Identify a Study Spot. Your child may need a quiet location away from brothers and sisters to study.

  21. My 13-year-old son has a hard time doing his math homework. How can I

    He takes an incredibly large amount of time to complete his math homework. Even if he starts as soon as he gets home, he often takes up until 10 or 11 completing homework, and another 30 minutes going to bed. His health is suffering considerably, and he is starting to develop insomnia. I have tried to help him with his homework as much as I can.

  22. How to Help Your Child Get Motivated in School

    Using positive reinforcement helps. You don't need to give kids big rewards, but even small ones like a high five or a few extra minutes of screen time can make a difference. It's also important to praise effort, not results. For example, praise your child for finishing a tough assignment or taking a class that might be hard.

  23. Children with autism & homework

    Your child may need help with her or his homework. Be in the proximity of their workspace so as to prevent them from getting up and causing further distraction. You don't have to sit with them the entire time but being within an earshot can be helpful. Set the ground rules. The important thing about making rules is that you stick to them.

  24. Why I Stopped Helping My Son With His Homework

    My son, Javier, is 8 and in second grade. Besides killing myself to show up for every class party, I help him with his homework every night. It's mostly math, with the focus on basic addition and subtraction. There's really no reason Javier shouldn't be able to do his homework on his own every night.

  25. Mom-Tested Tips for Ending Homework Battles

    "Ugh. My kid's school has them do homework on their school iPads, which I HATE. Last year it was taking my 2nd grade son forever to get his homework done and staying up too late, not getting ...

  26. My son needs help with his homework

    My son needs help with his homework Ask an Expert Answers to Homework Math Homework Stretch = Image Grows Larger Shrink = Image Grows Smaller CynickaB 21 Satisfied Customers Expert CynickaB is online now Continue Related Math Homework Questions My son needs help with triangle congruence and similarity.